If I Knew Then
by Absent Heart
Summary: MerDer AU
1. Chapter 1

_**So I haven't wrote anything for Grey's for years, and maybe I have lost the knack to writing fanfiction...But after slowly falling out of love with so much of what they were giving us currently, I went back to rewatch, and just like the first time fell head over heels for the characters and the show and i am currently happy in Season Six . Then this idea struck, and I resisted until it became to hard to ignore.**_

 _ **This is just an introductory chapter that gives little away, it just lays the first piece of groundwork for this story, and i am posting this to find if there is any interest for it as I am currently on Chapter Five ... So if you would like more, hit me with a review...**_

 ** _So here goes, I own nothing, never have and never will etc..._**

 _ **This Time**_

 _ **Part One**_

The act of closing the Shepherd's heavy front door silently was an art form Meredith Grey had mastered as a necessity by the age of sixteen. It took a sharp flick of the left wrist on the handle to stop the latch catching, as the right hand kept it steady. All muscle memory now fourteen years later, as her body leaned back to guide the door into the frame smoothly rather than the scrape, and slam it was notorious for. Meredith only allowed herself to breath when she was away from the front porch, and had reached the fence that separated what had once been her childhood home, from the Shepherds. The well lit drive, the more obvious route to the street was off limits. Numerous near misses over the years had taught her that she would be left wide open to any of the house full of people happening to pass either of the large bay windows, and that was the last thing she needed.

The particular panel she wanted, looked like all the others to unknowing eyes, and she doubted the current owners of her mothers old house even knew it was there. However to her it stood out as if a huge flashing neon light was attached. It was still what it had always been, physical proof she was wanted. A reminder that there were people who loved, and wanted her in their home. Michael Shepherd had fitted the hinges, and turned it into a makeshift gate for her twenty five years ago, within weeks of Lizzie first bringing her home. In use without fail nearly every day for nearly a decade, it had been her own escape from the cold, sterile atmosphere she had thought was normal, into what had seemed a magical world of love and laughter. The gate had become obsolete when Ellis had died, and Meredith who had just turned fifteen had her whole world turned upside down. The birthday had been like many before that Ellis had forgotten, which had lead to them not exchanging more than two words in the days up to her death from a massive heart attack.

Still to this day she could remember the seeping cold that had settled into her body the day before her mothers funeral when Carolyn had called her downstairs to find Thatcher had arrived with his new wife Susan. It was like being awoken abruptly from a dream, and cold hard reality shoved down your throat before you were ready. There had been no thought prior of what would happen to her once the dust was settled, and Ellis was laid to rest. Her whole mind had been set on the fact, her mother was dead. The Ellis Grey who had always seemed so strong, formidable, almost indestructible was actually gone. That that was how their story ended. There would never be a chance to show her mother who she was, to prove to her that she was the force of nature Ellis had wanted her to be. They would never fix the relationship, and she would never get the chance to make Ellis proud.

Sat with a Shepherd on each side, both of Carolyn's hand clasping hers, with Michael resting a hand on her shoulder, Meredith had known they were both not only showing support, but trying to stop her from bolting. So Meredith had sat rigidly straight, expressionless, and listened to Susan talk about the whole new life waiting for her in Seattle with her two half sisters. The words meant kindly had barely made an impact, compared to the reality of having her father in front of her for the first time in a decade. To this day she had only ever trusted Derek with how up until that very moment she had still clung onto the childish daydream that Thatcher hadn't left her willingly. How it had been her mother who tore them apart, and for all of those years he had been trying to find a way to come back to her. She had whole heartedly believed somewhere there was a drawer full of unopened cards, that he had never gotten over losing his daughter.

That fantasy had crumbled away with the dawning realisation that Thatcher had instead never looked back, and rather than pining for what he had lost he had gone out, and found a women the polar opposite of his first wife to start a whole new family with. It was all done knowing exactly who Ellis was, what life he was leaving his daughter too, and to a shell shocked Meredith it was as clear as day that until he had been contacted about Ellis's death, he hadn't spared her a second thought. He had barely been able to look at her, always picking the spot just over her left shoulder to focus on, whilst Meredith had obsessively searched his face for any sign of the father she remembered. Then suddenly she had understood why it was that Thatcher was having so much trouble, and a burst of bitter laughter had slipped from her mouth. She wasn't his daughter, she was just a living breathing reminder of a life he wanted nothing more than to forget. He would take her into his home because it was obvious that was what Susan wanted, or what she thought they should do, but just like she had been to her mother she would end up an inconvenience, an ugly scar on their bright and shiny happy family.

She had wanted to scream at him to look at her, to demand an explanation of why he had done it, but instead she had swallowed the rage and with a polite smile thanked Susan for the offer and stood up. Michael had asked her to wait, that they still had more they wanted to discuss, but Meredith had shook her head, begging him with her eyes for him to let her go, and as if he had understood exactly what had just happened he had. Only stopping to pause at the doorway to press a kiss to her hair and apologise for not giving her prior warning, explaining how they had never expected the couple to just turn up at the house. She had slipped past the Shepherd children gathered round the door, barely seeing the horrified faces of Lizzie, and Amelia as she had shook off any offer of comfort, and ran from the house.

Blindly she had walked the streets until without realising she had taken the well trodden route to the docks. Sat for hours staring dry eyed out over the water trying to find some way to make sense to what had happened. How the life she had known could change so dramatically with so little warning, and then when you thought that was it, still shake the very foundations of your beliefs further. Derek had been the one to find her there, without a word he had removed his jacket, and wrapped it around her shoulders before joining her. There was no surprise to him turning up, and she had known this would have been the last place she would have gone if some part of her hadn't wanted to be found by him. He was the only one who knew where she went when she wanted to think, in fact it had been him who first brought her there.

At the age of seven when she had announced after Ellis hadn't come home for three nights straight that she had had enough, and was running away he had sent Lizzie home and taken her by the hand and lead her to the docks. Shown her how to sneak under the gap in the fence, and how to move around without drawing attention to yourself. He had explained this was where he came when he wanted to escape, and that if she wanted she could share it too, along as she didn't tell his sisters and swore to never go near the water. And there he had been again eight years later, no longer a twelve year old boy, but a man of twenty explaining how his parents were out of their minds with worry. Lizzie and Amelia were crying convinced she had run away, and the rest of them were out looking for her. How his parents had already explained to her father and Susan before she had seen them that they would be more than willing to have Meredith stay with them. That the only reason they didn't ask first was because they wanted Meredith to decide for herself what she wanted, to not be swayed by their desire to keep her under their roof. To have the choice Ellis had never allowed her.

With only a shaky nod to show she understood Meredith had sunk into his arms, and for the first time since her Principle had collected her from class, and brought her to his office where a social worker and a police officer was sat waiting she allowed herself to cry. Derek had stayed there with her for hours. He had listened as she tried to make sense of everything, tried his best to reassure her, and then distracted her with stories about his and Mark's life away at college. When close to two am he had told her he had better take her home, he had stopped her by the car and tipped her chin up so she had no choice but to look at him.

" _I know you think your pretty unlovable Meredith Grey, but it isn't true. We all love you. None of us are going anywhere, your not alone any more, you can let us in, we're not going to be scared off... I mean come on, we all put up with Mark and Nancy don't we? "_

Sometimes when she looked back over the years she was sure that moment then when he had looked at her with the soft warmth of affection in his blue eyes as he chuckled, his lips still vibrating with mirth pressed a kiss against her forehead was when he stopped being Lizzie's older brother, and became something so much more important to her.

Similar words had been repeated over the next few years by his parents as she had pushed them all away. To make them see if her own mother couldn't love her, that her father had set up a whole new life without her then she didn't deserve them. Not once, no matter what stunt she pulled had they faltered in their reassurances that they wanted her. They took every outburst in their stride, countered every rejection with more love, and for the first time in her life Meredith had experienced what it was like to actually have people who cared where you were, and expected you to be at home for dinner. Carolyn and Michael had been the first people to ever ground her, to give her a curfew, to discipline in a way that wasn't a shouting match about how much of a failure and disappointment she was.

The creak of protest from the rusty hinges, as she gave the gate a sharp shove with her knee shook her from the past as did the voice cutting through the night air.

"Meredith Grey running out on her own meet the boyfriend slash welcome home dinner. Why am I not more shocked? I mean I should be, I did have you down to lasting at least till he brought out a ring...You disappoint me Kiddo, and are on your way to losing me fifty bucks."

Meredith froze, all she had needed to do was cut across the lawn and she would have been at the rental car. So focused on the past, her escape, and the houseful behind her she hadn't paid attention to the thought of anyone being actually outside to see her.

"I am not running out... I wouldn't..." She hissed back, moving quickly to pull Mark Sloan out of full view of the house and into the shadows.

It wasn't that she wanted to leave, she didn't, she was done with running away. She just needed to be alone for a moment. It had taken two years to get her back here. Two years of self-enforced exile from her family, the only home she had ever known, all whilst she did her best to move on. Move on, and forgive, and find some way for her and Derek to return to what they had been, or at least be in the same room as him without letting the whole world know she loved him, and she was the reason his marriage to Rebecca had ended.

The fact she had accepted the position in Seattle over starting her residency here in New York had been a shock to everyone except maybe Derek. Though per the agreement drawn up after Ellis's death she had spent three weeks of the summer there each year, and Thanksgiving until she was eighteen, she had returned each time seeming to dread the next visit. It was meant to have been a chance for her to get to know Thatcher, to build a relationship, but it had never worked that way. Meredith had known all she wanted to that day when he had been unable to look at her. However as much as she liked Susan and Molly, only Lexie had somehow burrowed her way past Meredith's barriers. Lexie however didn't work as an excuse as it was common knowledge she was at Harvard, a lot closer to New York than Seattle.

Instead Meredith had gone for something closer to the truth, that she simply wanted to try it out on her own, and there was no denying that Seattle Grace was one of the best surgical programs. The hurt in Michael and Carolyn's eyes at the thought of her being so far away had nearly broken her resolve. The fact her and Derek had had some kind of fall out was obvious to them, and she knew they had worried she was again pushing them away in retaliation of being hurt. What she could never have explained to them was that it was done it to stop them feeling any of the disappointment in her that Ellis always had. Never had she wanted them to feel as if she was throwing back in their face everything they had done for her, and what her and Derek were doing would have been doing just that. The Shepherd's believed in the sanctuary of marriage, and especially in the forsaking all others part of the vows.

"I'm simply getting some air. Its hot and the house is full and I think... I'm hot..." She faltered as Mark shook his head, amusement lighting his face as he reached out for her.

"I believe you, but thousands wouldn't...Come and greet me properly... I've missed you."

Gathered into a firm embrace that lifted her feet from the ground, Meredith tightened her own arms around his neck.

"I missed you too."

It was nothing but the truth. Mark was the big brother of her childhood, and unlike most of the women inside the house she had never blurred that line with him. He was her drinking buddy, the only one who understood the true heartfelt gratitude she felt towards the Shepherds. Like her he had grown up with absent parents, who spared little thought for the child they had brought into the world, and was therefore brought home as a stray by a Shepherd child.

"Of course you did. So have I missed the photo album bring out yet? Oh please tell me I haven't missed the Meredith pissed at the whole world phase? that's always been my favourite, or Is that what drove you out?"

Mark stepped back, his wide grin stretching across his face as his arm draped around her shoulders as he guided her back towards the porch.

"Mark I was just going to the car."

"Really? You know this is what happens when you break the love and leave rule Kid … You have to be the grown up and swallow all this without running off looking for Jose... Well... at least till you win me the bet. I cannot handle loosing any more money to the Shepherd women. They're always so smug, its sickening..."

"Mark I can't go back in there yet. I just need a moment."

"You and Derek been arguing again? You know I don't get you two, maybe you just need to bang and get it out your system... Sexual frustration isn't healthy Kiddo, and now the divorce is finally done and dusted, Shep is a free man..."

Meredith was pretty sure for a moment she was going to vomit all over his feet. Never before in his persistent enquiries to what had drove the wedge between them, had he ever hit so close to the truth. With a gulp of the cold evening air, grateful for the darkness hiding her blush she shook his arm off her.

"What? No it isn't Derek. Why would it be? I have told you a million times me and Derek are fine."

"Yeah Mer, you really need to look up the definition of fine because what you mean by fine isn't what everyone else does, and I can say for a fact that Derek isn't fine, and he is a better liar than you are."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You know maybe if you did, you both would be as ' _fine_ _'_ as you claim."

"Mark..."

"Fine, fine I'm shutting up, but just so you know this stubborn streak of yours was a lot cuter when you were a little brat running around after us with scuffed knees... Now you stay where I can see you. You owe me this Grey. Two years I have spent picking up your slack with barely a word of thanks."

"We speak every Wednesday night."

"Doesn't count... You were my ally, and you left me to go live in a godforsaken place that does nothing but rain. Now how much am I allowed to fuck with Josh this time? Cos when I was in Seattle last you barely let me exchange two words with him?"

Josh, at the mention of his name Meredith's stomach twisted with guilt. She had just left him in a house with a family he had met for the first time a few hours ago with barely a thought. He had been hinting for the past few weeks that he wouldn't mind taking a detour via New York on the way back to his own parents in Boston for the holidays. and she hadn't been able to find the words to say no. For over a year she had kept him at arms length, refusing to be more than the casual, no expectation based relationship she was a master at. Yet slowly worn down with much more persistence than she had ever given him credit for, and desperate to heal herself she had allowed him a little further in to her life. The very honest part of her was well aware in allowing him to accompany her home for a few days before he went on to Boston had been about using him as a shield from Derek. Yet she hadn't even got through the introductions, leaving Josh with Michael as soon as she realised Derek's car had pulled into the drive.

"Be nice Mark. No big brother threats, just be nice, he's nice..."

"I'm always nice. It was Derek that always did the whole hurt her, and I hurt you. Not that I didn't agree with him, I'm just a lot more subtle and creative!"

He tossed her a smirk as he started up the steps, stopping when he reached the door,

"You have ten minutes then I am giving you up!"

Her whole plan forgotten Meredith sunk down onto the steps of the porch, only alone for a few moments before she heard the familiar scraping of the door that she had worked so hard on to avoid on the way out.

"I'm still here and..."

Meredith spoke without turning around, but the words died in her throat when she realised it wasn't one of the children sent out to check on her, but the very person she had come outside to avoid once she had thought him safely in the kitchen greeting his mother.

"Please don't run. I just want to talk..."

For an instant she considered doing just that, but he was already on the step beside her, close enough to stop her, and the last thing she wanted was to cause any type of scene.

"This isn't a good idea. Not now..."

The scent that had haunted her surrounded her now. The mixture of his aftershave, and something that was purely him that only served to throw her back to the nights she had spent in his arms. The urge to let her head fall, and rest against him was so instinctual she had to fight her own body to keep herself straight. Her eyes locked on the spot in front of her, refusing to turn her head, unwilling to fall into the blue gaze she could feel boring a hole into the side of her head. Fingers that had traced every inch of her body brushed the loose curls back to make her face visible, their tips burning a path across her cheek as they lingered before they dropped away with a sigh.

"You know you can't avoid me forever..."

Derek had watched her creep out of the house and had been about to go out to join her when he realised Mark had beaten him to it. He had watched their affectionate greeting with irrational jealously, and when she had wrapped her arms around his neck he had found that in the whole of his thirty seven years he had never wanted to be Mark Sloan as he had then.

"I get it, I do, and I deserved it, I was a selfish ass, but god isn't this punishment enough yet...? because I'm not sure how much longer I can do this for Mer..."

 _ **If you want more, and trust me the next chapters fill in all the gaps, please review and let me know...**_


	2. Chapter 2

**_First off Thank You so much for the lovely reviews for the first chapter, they really do help and I'm so grateful for them. Here's chapter 2, and it is another introductory chapter , however I hope it answers some questions at least._** _ **All I ask is you read, hopefully enjoy and hit the button and review.**_

 **This Time**

 **Part Two**

Derek was unsure Meredith would answer, part of him expected her to get up, and walk back inside. To his surprise she stayed where she was, and with a heavy sigh slowly as if she was still trying to decide whether it was the right thing to do turned her head, and looked at him. Really looked at him. For the first time in so long she met his gaze head on, and instead of the blank stare he had feared, he found sadness clouding the green eyes. His hand raised tentatively to cup her cheek, and for a far to brief moment he felt her lean in to his touch before she pulled away. The shutters came back down, the moment lost as Meredith turned away to stare down the drive.

"I wasn't trying to punish you Derek. Hurting you was never my intention... I just wanted to stop feeling the way I did."

"Not one call, text, or email. Nothing. God Mer if hurting me wasn't your intention, then I don't want to ever know what it would feel like if you put your mind to it."

Derek's voice was purposefully little more than a whisper, but the pain that laced every word came through loud, and clear. When he reached out to cover her hand that was resting on the step between them with his own, Meredith knew she should pull away, but found she couldn't find the strength to do so. It was one of the driving factors of why she had to leave in the first place, because whatever she had told herself about the last time, being the last time it never worked that way. She had thought by now it would be easier, that distance and time would have worked in her favour, to lessen the pull between them. However all tonight had proved so far was that she had not been as over them, or him as she had hoped.

"I tried so hard to be angry with you. I really did, and I just couldn't. I felt a lot of things, but never anger. Not at you anyway. The only person I was angry at, was me. All I could think was how did I not see it coming, how was I so blind? I mean I know you, I know you better than I have ever known anyone, and when things hurt, you walk out, it's not personal, it's just what you do... But I didn't see it, and you know why? It's because you have never walked out on me before, you never hid from me, or closed me out, till now that is..."

"Derek..."

"If I had known this is what I would be left with, I would never have let you go. You told me you needed space Mer, and I felt I owed you that at the very least, but space to think isn't cutting me out of your life. I don't get how can you do that, and be okay?"

"Do you want to know what I've learnt since being in Seattle?"

Meredith changed the topic completely, and waited for the slight nod of his head before she continued. This would be the first time she said out loud what Susan had accidentally let slip when she had come round on her weekly visit to the old house of her mothers that Meredith had moved into. However somehow despite their time apart, and all the problems that lay between them, sharing something so personal with Derek still came so naturally.

"Ellis had an affair. That's what ended the marriage, and what denied me any chance of a normal family, or any real relationship with Thatcher. My mother had no self control, and look at that... Like mother like daughter."

"You are not your mother Meredith."

"Well apparently we are more alike than I ever thought. He was married too according to Susan, and where as Ellis left Thatcher, he obviously couldn't do the same...Who can blame him right? Us Grey women are hardly notorious for healthy relationships after all."

"If you are in anyway trying to draw some twisted comparison, then stop now Meredith because..."

A sound from the house caused Derek to fall silent, leaving his sentence unfinished, and Derek didn't resist when she pulled her hand free from underneath his.

"We shouldn't be having this conversation, especially not when there is a house full of people behind us."

"Including the new boyfriend. Josh, right? He's nice by the way. Thanks for that!"

Derek knew how jealous he sounded, and the flash of anger in the green eyes now watching him with an incredulous expression told him Meredith had also, and that he had no right to be.

"Really? That is the card your choosing to play? The ' _Meredith has a boyfriend_ ' card? You want to go down that path?"

For years Derek had battled with himself over the idea of Meredith dating, telling himself that it was normal, simply the big brother instinct kicking in, and he was only trying to look out for her just as he would any of his sisters. It was a lie he had had to tell himself so often he had almost come to believe it, until their first drunken kiss when finally everything that had confused him about Meredith, and his feelings towards her over the years, had finally begun to make sense.

"No Mer I don't. I don't want to argue with you, that is the last thing I want. I just … God I hate this. We have to talk, properly without having to watch every word. There are things I want to explain, and I want you to listen. Meet me later?"

"I can't."

"Please...?"

Derek took hold of her hand again, softly running his thumb over her knuckles, and felt her answering shiver.

"Mer come on, just to talk."

Meredith knew what she should do, what her brain told her was the only sensible option, and that anything else would be just throwing away the life she had tried to build for herself. That rehashing the past would only continue to make this hard for them both, and any wish she had for them just to be how they were once, was becoming more unreachable. However it was drowned out by the much more persistent whisper that maybe in fact she owed Derek this, because though she hadn't set out to punish him, unconsciously maybe she had been punishing them both.

"Okay."

"I'll be at our spot after eleven, I'll wait for you."

She left him with little more than a nod, her expression unreadable and Derek watched her walk back inside unable to tear his eyes away until the door was closed behind her. Only then did he allow his head to drop into his hands, rubbing his face he tried his best to keep his breathing even. His mind rerunning their first conversation in two years, and each time becoming stuck on the same point. He still knew Meredith too well to dismiss it, there had been too much emphasis on what had happened with her mother for it to be accidental. This was all his fault. If he had only the courage to end the marriage sooner, to face up to his feelings, but instead he had let Meredith go, and lost the one person that had ever really mattered to him.

"Your mother sent me out to make sure you came back in. I did hope to find you and Meredith might have found some common ground out here, but I suppose it isn't that easy."

At the sound of his fathers voice Derek's head came up with a jerk, he made a move to stand, but Michael shook his head before joining him on the step. Derek couldn't help the flush that stained his cheeks at having been caught out as the older blue eyes raked over his face with a knowing gleam. It had been his plan to blame some incoming emergency at the hospital for his sudden departure rather than have to go back inside, and torture himself watching Meredith.

"I didn't think anyone knew I was out here,"

"Meredith can get in, and out of this place like a cat burglar. So if we were going to have any chance we had to learn to look for the signs of an escape beforehand. Don't tell her this, but she becomes fidgety when she's planning a break out, and wont quite make eye contact. You, on the other hand never sneaked out to learn how to accomplish it with the same mastery, especially with how to close the front door quietly."

A genuine smile lit up Derek's face, a chuckle escaping as he nodded in agreement. He had none of the skills of observation his father did, he had only realised what Meredith was doing because he had been tracking her movements as she did her best to avoid coming face to face with him.

"She is very proud of the trick with the door, even Mark can't manage it half as well."

"Meredith was a learning curve, a very steep one. I'm just grateful she never passed her vast skill set onto your younger sisters."

"You don't regret it though Dad? You could have let Thatcher and Susan take her back to Seattle, no one would have questioned it."

It was something Derek had never asked before because there had never really been a need. You only had to see the way his father looked at Meredith, or the light that shone in his eyes when he spoke of her, like now to see the obvious adoration. He only brought it up now to distract from what it was his father did want to talk about and Derek didn't have much doubt as to what it was. He had been fielding questions about just what had happened between him and Meredith from his whole family since Meredith announced her decision to move to the other side of the country. All except his father, that was it seemed up until now.

"Never. Meredith belonged here with us, her family. Not with virtual strangers. Every grey hair she has given me I wear with pride, each one means that I had some hand in who she has turned out to be. You look at where Meredith has come from, what was thrown at her when she was still so young, and yet here she is on the other side. A beautiful, kind, caring and compassionate young women... I am very proud of her, as I am you all."

Michael said in all seriousness, but with some inner amusement at Derek's obvious attempt to distract him from what he thought Michael was going to ask. The women in his life had all at one point asked him to step in and talk to Derek or Meredith, but each time Michael had resisted. He loved them both, and the relationships he shared with them individually he treasured beyond measure.

To pry with either of them, when they obviously weren't ready to talk was a sure fire way to get Derek's back up, and push Meredith away further. Neither being what he had wanted, he had allowed them both space, and he had been rewarded by Derek seeming to actively seek his company, and Meredith relaxing her guard enough for him to form at least some idea from them both of what had gone on. If he was right he couldn't say he wasn't disappointed in their behaviour, at the way it had obviously happened, however neither could he claim to be completely surprised.

"She loves you too Dad. You, and Mom are more important to her than I think either of you even realise."

"We do know son."

Michael said softly bringing his hand up to squeeze Derek's shoulder.

"And whatever has gone on between you, I can safely say Meredith loves you too. I'm not going to ask awkward questions, you are both adults now so unless either of you decide to tell me, I will respect your privacy."

Derek turned to look at his father, and saw a world of understanding in the blue eyes.

"Thank you."

"You do need to fix this though Derek,"

Michael told him, and Derek rubbed his hands over his face up into his hair in a helpless gesture that Michael recognised as one he had often done himself. To look at Derek, was like looking back nearly thirty years in time, it was what made him so easy to read.

"I don't know how. I try to find the right words, but I'm not sure it's enough any more. I can't seem to reach her, I don't even know if she even wants me too..."

"Meredith has a habit of running away, we all know that, but maybe what you are forgetting is that if she cares about you, then she comes back. If she lets herself _love_ you, then it tends to be the forever type, she is one of the most loyal people I have ever met that way. From someone with years of experience behind them I can tell you, words aren't always what Mer needs. She has been let down far too often to trust in empty promises, or platitudes. You have to show her, and give her something to believe in again."

"Dad..." Derek wasn't sure what to say, but he felt he owed his father something, and yet Michael just shook his head, nodding back at the house.

"I may not approve of how you have handled things, or how you went about it. However I love you, and ultimately all that matters to me is your happiness. Now we should get back in before your mother hunts us both down for loitering."

Meredith emerged from the cloakroom having splashed some water over her face, to follow the sounds of laughter to the den. She paused in the doorway to take in the scene in front of her, Josh was sat on the couch with a large familiar photo album spread out over his knees, Mark with Amelia was leaning over the back of the couch, Rob Lizzie's partner had his head buried in the cabinet where the albums were kept, whilst Lizzie herself sat next to Josh guiding his attention. With a deep breath, trying her best to push everything Derek away, she willed a more natural smile to her face as she stepped into the room.

"Traitors,"

She threw out at the other four, and Josh catching sight of her flashed her the large grin that had first attracted her to him. Brown eyes shone with delight as he pointed down at a photo that seemed to hold his attention.

"You can fish?"

"I can."

Meredith nodded crossing the room to sit beside him, the weight of his arm going around her shoulders as she leaned over to look to where he was pointing. A small laugh fell from her lips, a very real smile breaking through this time at the fond memories it pulled to the surface. She was stood beside a kneeling Michael who was helping her to hold a trout that seemed to dwarf her. She must have been about eight, on her first camping trip with the Shepherds, which she had had to beg Ellis to allow her to attend.

"I got the biggest catch that weekend. It was my first real time too, I'm all natural talent."

"You had Derek give you lessons for two weeks before we went." Mark protested, and leaning back Meredith smirked up at him.

"Those lessons didn't involve any water, and I had a point to prove. You said girls couldn't fish."

"None of the others ever wanted too. I lost thirty bucks that weekend. Played by my best friend... Look man, listen to experience and never make a wager with Kiddo cos she doesn't play fair."

"You are such a sore loser."

"You were a brat."

"I wasn't the one who put Derek's frog in the microwave..."

"For the last time I never pressed start!"

"But you did put it in Nancy's bed."

"Hang on. If it was Mark, why has Nancy always blamed Derek?" Amelia butted in to the shots being fired back and forth.

"Have you been listening Amy? Derek helped her rob me. And how do you know it was me?"

"I didn't..."

Meredith laughed for the first time that night as with a look of disgust Mark grabbed the cushion from behind Lizzie and threw it at her. Dodging the cushion Meredith found Josh watching her with a look she couldn't discern before he nodded back down at the photo.

"Whether you were a brat or not, you were very cute."

"Thank you."

Meredith smiled pressing a kiss to his cheek, and found herself not for the first time wishing that she could love him the way he deserved.

"Where did Mom get to?"

"She's roping the kids into laying the tables... Hey Mer where's the album with all the photos of us as teenagers?" Rob asked from the floor, and Meredith shrugged.

"I haven't seen it,"

"I wanted to show Josh the hair. God do you remember Grandma Malony having a fit because Mer turned up at that wedding with blue hair?"

Amelia asked before joining Rob, double checking the pile he had set aside.

"I don't think she ever forgave you for that, you ruined poor Sophia's photos."

"Sophia managed that all on her own...Maybe I should offer a family freebie. I think that's where Nancy gets the bitter shrew personality from, dear old Grandma Maloney. Amy look in the cabinet behind you, I bet Mer has hid it."

Mark stared at her for a moment as if trying to read clues from her face before going over to cabinet himself.

"You can't escape this Kiddo, its a family tradition. Even Lizzie suffered through it."

"Liz suffered through nothing, we went to high school with Rob, there was nothing he hadn't seen, and anyway we are not going there. Josh is limited to young sweet, and innocent me. Lets not ruin that image..."

"He cant handle some Dark and Twisty?"

"Dark and Twisty?" Josh asked looking between Mark and Meredith as if they were speaking another language only for Amelia to smirk.

"You haven't seen Mer when she's got the dark and twisties yet? You must have. She goes to the dark side, hits the tequila, sleeps with inappropriate men… Oh my god you weren't one of those inappropriate men were you?"

"Amy..." Meredith tried to protest but Josh took the teasing in his stride with a shrug of his shoulders.

"I'm a fellow, Mer was only an intern when we met so does that count?"

"Nope. You'd have had to be an attending... A married one at that! Damn Mer Seattle is making you soft!"

"I'm not soft I am hardcore.."

"Are we talking about porn now?"

"Why are you talking about porn?"

Derek asked coming into the room averting his eyes away from the way Josh's fingers were ideally playing with Meredith's hair. He took the arm of the couch Meredith was sat on, hating the way she moved away when his thigh touched her arm as if she had been burnt.

"I'm not, Mer and Amy are."

Mark protested, giving up his search to stand beside Derek.

"Your talking porn with my baby sister?"

"No your best friend is simply a perv! We were talking about the dark and twisties, I cant find Mom's photo album with the teenage years in."

"Well that's because Dad hid it." Derek lied easily, and was rewarded with the fluttering of Meredith's fingers against his leg in a silent thank you as he felt Lizzie's attention centre on him as Amelia sighed in disappointment.

"Anyway Mom wants you all washed up, dinners ready."

Derek watched Meredith leave the room leading Josh by the hand , his stomach twisting into a tight knot. So caught up in the sight he didn't realise Lizzie had hung back until she nudged him with her hip as she passed him.

"You hid it... Don't even try to deny it. I know you did, and so does Mer."

"It makes her uncomfortable. If it was just us, she would be okay, but haven't you noticed she'll make an excuse and leave the room if anyone else is here...? So when I heard Amy ask Mom where it was when I got here, I thought I'd save her that on her first night home."

"I'm not criticising Der. You sticking up for Mer again, its nice to see..."

Lizzie's smile was wistful as she looked around the room, at the albums still spread out over the floor.

"I've missed Mer, but until her and Mark were sat bickering l hadn't realised how much, and then seeing you cover for her like that... I don't know. it just felt right. I hope you two make up whilst she's here Der, cos otherwise she'll go off back to Seattle again, and then it'll be too late, you'll get too used to not being in each others lives."

"I am trying, I promise. You go on, Nancy and Kate are helping Mom dish up which means one of us is getting stuck with the kids, so not only will I come to Mer's rescue tonight I'll also come to yours..."

"Volunteering to play referee to the rabble, you my brother are either a saint or seriously sucking up."

Derek forced a laugh as grinning she reached up to kiss his cheek, unwilling to admit that the real reason was he wasn't sure he could eat a mouthful with Meredith and Josh at the same table, and he needed to think about what his father had said, to find some way to prove to Meredith what he wanted was her.

Derek only believed she was truly coming when he saw her emerge from the bushes at the top of the slope and begin to head down towards him. As she came closer he could see the silent argument she was having with herself all over her face. Pushing himself up from the small wall he'd been sitting on Derek crossed the short distance to her, he took her hand and guided her over the uneven ground just as he had so many times before.

"Thank you for coming Mer. Was it hard to get away?"

"I told them where I was coming, well not exactly where, or that I was meeting you. I left Dad trying to explain to a confused Josh about this place. You know the last time I came here was my last night in New York... I was so homesick those first few months, you'd have thought I'd never left before."

Meredith murmured staring out over the water, her eyes tracking the lights of the last ferry of the evening. The gentle pressure of a hand covering hers brought her eyes down, and without looking at him she turned hers over so their fingers could lock together as she turned her attention back to the water. She was allowing herself this moment, allowing them both one moment of peace, before they tore to pieces every wall of defence she had built around herself for the past two years.

"I missed you...You asked earlier how could I be okay and I wasn't... I missed you every single day, I still do. I know you think being left behind was hard, but being the one to leave wasn't easy either Derek... Nothing about this has been easy, but maybe that's what we deserved..."

It was the simple truth. She had missed him more than she could ever explain. He had been such an integral part of her life for so long that she could barely remember her life pre Derek. All her memories growing up he was present in, he had had a starring role in so much of her life that it had sometimes felt like she was missing a part of her, over the last two years.

After her first time scrubbing in, her first thought after had been to call Derek, wanting to share that high with him, and she had pulled her phone from her scrubs trouser pocket before she had remembered she couldn't do that any more. There had been so many moments like that, or things she thought he would have found funny, and that's when real loneliness had struck.

Loneliness so strong it had been like a physical ache, and that was just the friend Derek. She wasn't counting the nights she had spent imagining he was with her or pretended whoever she was with was him. It was something she had decided needed to be kept separate, friend Derek from Derek the man she had fallen so hard for.

"I missed you too." Derek squeezed her hand a little tighter. "We did a bad thing Mer, that doesn't make us bad people, and I repeat it doesn't make you your mother either."

"You were married Derek. I was a bridesmaid at that wedding, and I still slept with you. Not once which you can almost excuse as a drunken mistake, no we had an affair. For two months I threw away every moral, every belief I had because..."

"Because you loved me?"

"Yeah, because I loved you and you were using me to get out of a bad marriage. See what I mean about Grey women and healthy relationships?"

"Is that what you really think?"

When Meredith didn't answer Derek swore loudly as he released her hand to take her by her shoulders, and force her to look at him.

"Look at me Meredith. Do you really believe I used you because I was unhappy? That you were my excuse to end it?"

"Didn't you?"

It was a thought that had haunted her long before she had left New York, not when he was with her, but afterwards following her around until the next time they were together.

"No!"

His voice raised as he flinched away from her as if she had slapped him. He paced the ground before swinging back round.

"I know I was selfish, and I took and I took without offering you anything in return, so yeah you can hate me for that, but I never...For fucks sake Meredith you were never the mistake, what happened between us wasn't a mistake! My marriage was the mistake..."

Meredith felt the breath leave her body, and sank down onto the wall never taking her eyes off him.

"I never hated you... I just thought we could go back, that with time I could move on..."

It wasn't what she meant to say, she knew it wasn't what he had expected after such a confession, but it was the first thing that came out of her mouth.

"And have you? I should have left Rebecca sooner I know that now. Is that what you wanted? Did you want me to follow you?"

"I wasn't trying to make you chose Derek, it wasn't a ploy to force your hand, I just wanted to stop living a lie. I wanted to be able to look people in the eye again, and not feel like a home wrecking whore."

"Don't call yourself that."

"But that's how I felt..." Meredith stared down at the ground beneath her feet, her foot kicking at the small stones that gathered there.

"I loved you."

His words had her head shooting up, her neck creaked at the movement and again she was left staring opened mouth at him. His shy bashful smile convinced her of the truth of those three words that she had never expected to hear.

"I loved you. That was what was ultimately wrong with my marriage, I was in love with you... Maybe I always have been. I don't know... I thought I loved Rebecca, at the start I thought I did, but then... It's you, its always been you and I was just... Blind? Stupid? Terrified? Take your pick..."

With a sigh he sank down next to her.

"And I don't know how to stop... I meant what I said earlier Mer, I cant keep doing this. You talk about us living a lie before, but that's what I do now, everyday...Do you still love me?"

"Derek I'm with Josh..."

Meredith wanted to run. The need to escape was pulsing through her body as his words pounded around her head. She needed to go, to think, to try and make sense of this. She wasn't sure what she had expected from tonight, but this certainly wasn't it.

"That's not an answer.."

With a hand on her cheek he turned her so she was looking at him.

"You talk about wanting us to go back to before but we cant go back. There is no rewind button. I cant be your surrogate brother, and I cant be just your friend, It wouldn't work just like it didn't before..."

"Derek, I cant, I need to go..."

"Mer just listen, I love you and I refuse to waste another two years here without you."


	3. Chapter 3

_**I am so sorry for the wait for this chapter, I had Internet, I just had no laptop, or even access to what I had banked of this story… I still don't, however the bloody lowlife who decided they needed my car more than I did, does … So apart from notes I had jotted of the outline of each chapter this is all as new as the laptop its been wrote on, hence the wait…**_

 _ **I would have loved longer to work on this Chapter, it feels so rushed and unfinished but I wanted desperately to get it out, and not have anyone think I had abandoned the story.**_

 _ **Anyway thank you so much to those that reviewed the last chapter, it means so much, I really do appreciate them, and sincerely hope I still have readers left to leave them…This is the last of the kind of introductory chapters ... So please Read, Enjoy and Review!**_

 _ **Need The Sun To Break**_

For the second morning running Carolyn Shepherd came downstairs a little before five am to find Meredith huddled in her dressing gown at the kitchen table. Unlike yesterday though Meredith wasn't aware of her presence, meaning there was no sudden change of expression, or ready excuses about time difference, and internal clocks to greet her. This morning instead she was given full access to the turmoil written over the beautiful face she knew so well.

For a split second she considered whether it would be best to go back upstairs, rather than intrude on the solitude Meredith had obviously been seeking, to give the space Michael had said both Meredith and Derek needed. Nevertheless Carolyn found as much as she thought she should, she couldn't bring herself to turn away from the girl who she had always thought of as one of her own when she was in such obvious distress.

When her husband last night had finally told her what he had suspected for a long time, and had had partially confirmed by their son at the family dinner Carolyn had felt the past two years or so shift into place with a resounding click. It made such perfect sense that she still couldn't believe it had never crossed her mind before. Laid awake long after Michael had fallen asleep, she had found herself going over the past, searching for any clues she might have missed, and to her dismay they had all been there.

Her only condolence was nearly every single one could be explained innocently away by the bond Derek and Meredith had always shared. A closeness they had all become so used too, had long ago assumed though far deeper than sibling like, was far from romantic that they had missed the changes at it's very core. Even the final fall out between them wasn't really anything out of the ordinary. Two very different personalities, spending so much time together over the years had lead to similar conflicts. Derek's temper was notorious, and Meredith herself had never been one to back down from a fight.

Now blessed with hindsight Carolyn was able to see the vital differences this time around, all the little missed tell-tale signs of a lovers quarrel stood out in vivid colour. Everyone had known neither Derek or Rebecca were happy, the whole family had been aware of the problems between the couple before the ink was dry on the marriage license.

It was no excuse for adultery, but Carolyn could see how naturally he would have turned to Meredith. How easily it would be for any repressed feelings to come to the surface, because life wasn't just black or white, right or wrong, there was always the area in between, and good people made mistakes especially in the name of love. What she couldn't understand was how Derek of all people had let it get so out of hand that it had caused Meredith to flee to the over side of the country to escape.

Michael had made her promise to not interfere or to breathe a word that she had some inkling of what had gone on, but that vow was seeming impossible to keep with Meredith in front of her like this. Not only did the overall upheaval of the last two years now make sense, but so did the behaviour of the women in front of her. Meredith hadn't been holding them at arms length in retaliation of being hurt as they had suspected, she was now certain it was done because Meredith had expected them to reject her if the affair came to light.

It reminded her so much of the young Meredith who had believed she was unworthy of their love that all Carolyn wanted was to go in, gather Meredith to her as she had done so many times before, and promise her everything was going to be okay. To stroke the blonde hair back, and remind her that there was nothing she could do that would ever make them turn their backs on her. There was no list of criteria Meredith had to meet to have their love, because she was their daughter just as much as the four girls she had given birth too.

"Good morning sweetheart."

Resisting the instinct Carolyn stepped in to the room, and watched the moment Meredith realised she wasn't alone any more as an exhausted smile of welcome blossomed from the misery, which though sincere failed to reach the expressive green eyes.

"Morning Mom."

Patting her shoulder to keep her seated Carolyn filled two cups with the obviously forgotten coffee waiting in the pot, and brought them back to the table.

"These early starts are reminding me of when you used to come over once Ellis had left for the hospital. I'd make you a cup of warm milk to go with my coffee, and we would sit right here putting the world to rights."

"You used to say it was the only time of day the house was quiet enough to think, without someone bellowing your name or demanding your attention every five minutes."

Meredith murmured wondering whether it was those early morning memories that had guided her into the kitchen rather than either of the more cosy living rooms on the ground floor. It was one very big difference between this house, and the one in Seattle. Where as the silence of Ellis's old home within a month of living there had drove her to seek out room-mates to fill the empty rooms, here though quiet it was impossible to feel lonely. As fanciful as it seemed it was as if all the years of love and laughter this house had known, had somehow penetrated the actual walls. To leave behind an everlasting warmth that wrapped around you the moment you stepped over the threshold.

"It was why you always set your alarm an hour before you had to be up,"

"I still do, especially on Christmas Eve when I know I wont have a moment to myself for the next two days. But you, young lady were always the exception to the rule. I treasured those times having you all to myself, it was my favourite part of the day."

"Mine too."

Meredith found she was suddenly having to blink back tears, Carolyn's brown eyes were bathing her with a motherly love Meredith had only ever found here. A large part of her wished she could go back to being that six year old, and hash out her troubles over this table. To ask Carolyn what she was meant to do now.

"So trouble sleeping again?"

"Yeah… Josh is a light sleeper, I didn't want to wake him by tossing and turning."

Meredith explained before she took a long drink of the hot liquid, skipping over the reason why she was so reluctant to wake Josh. An awake Josh would be a Josh who wanted to talk, an awake Josh meant she would be unable to avoid the hurt confusion that had seemed to take up home in the brown eyes ever since she had returned from the docks Tuesday night. Josh may not have understood what Amelia had meant when she talked about the "dark and twisties", but he was well versed in the signs of her pulling away from him and of being shut out.

"What time does he leave for Boston?"

"His flights at three, so sometime around noon I think."

"He seems a nice boy, and it has been even nicer to meet him finally, especially after you managed to keep him firmly out of the way when your father and I came to Seattle for your birthday."

It was obvious to anyone Carolyn thought that had seen them over the last thirty six hours that though Josh was in love with her, Meredith was still very much a mystery to him. She liked Josh, as did Michael. It was hard not to like someone who looked at your child as if they alone hung the moon and stars every night. Yet even before Michael's revelation she had started to see how in very different places they each were within the relationship.

"Mom, if you had wanted to meet him in Seattle you only had to ask! I would have arranged a dinner or something…?"

For the first time since Carolyn had sat down, a sparkle of the old Meredith appeared in the green eyes, humour lighting her features.

"What part of 'Meredith I'd like to meet the young man Mark told me about' wasn't me asking?"

"You should have been more specific. I have no idea what tales Mark tells you? For all I knew, you meant George or Alex, and you did meet them."

Carolyn let out a laugh and shook her head.

"I know I keep saying it, but it's so lovely to have you home Mer,"

"Its Christmas, there's no where else I would rather be. Last year I worked right through the holidays, and all I wanted was to be here, to be home…"

It was the simple truth, there was no where else she wanted to be at this time of year, yet at the same time she wished she was a million miles away. She had come home because she was done running away, she had wanted her family back and she had hoped her and Derek could finally have back the relationship they had once shared. To rewind to when everything was simpler between them, or at least pretend enough to make everyone else believe until they could find some way to coexist as members of the same family.

Now by his own admittance that wasn't an option, and Meredith had no idea where they went from here, or even what she wanted. She loved him, she always had, but that didn't mean they could be together, love alone didn't make for a happy ending. What's more walking away once had been hard enough, she wasn't sure she could survive another heartbreak like the last. So she was left here unable to sleep, unable to quieten the thoughts running round her head with a boyfriend upstairs who she was struggling to even make eye contact with.

"It's just a pity you can't stay longer."

Before Meredith could open her mouth Caroline raised a hand to stop her.

"I know, I know it's the job. Your a surgical resident, you work till you drop, the hospital owns you. I may understand, but that doesn't mean I don't worry about you, or wish I could have you closer to make sure you are taking proper care of yourself."

"Mom you don't have to worry about me I'm..."

"Now if you are about to end that sentence with " _fine_ " then my girl let me tell you I really will start to worry."

"Okay not fine, totally not fine… What about okay? I Meredith Grey am okay! And you do not need to worry about me..."

"Its my job to worry. I worry about you all, its a mothers right."

"It's your right?".

"Yes it is. To me, you will always be the stubborn, independent, headstrong, beautiful little girl who we hadn't known we had been missing until Lizzie dragged you home that day, and completed our family."

"Mom..."

"I have raised seven children. I know you are all adults now, but I am still your Mother and I want to help. You especially stopped needing me long before I was ready to loosen the apron strings, so I just want to make sure you still know you can come to me with anything, particularly when it is keeping you up at night!"

It was the closest Carolyn could come without breaking the promise she had made to her husband, and when she saw Meredith's eyes widen with distress, her head duck to stare down at the table top, any shadow of doubt she still had disappeared.

"I do need you. I don't know where I would be without you, its just I'm not ready to talk. I don't know how to explain it. I just want life to be simple you know ….? I thought I could go back, and I cant, so I don't know what to do..."

Meredith sighed with a helpless shrug, looking everywhere but actually at the women sat across the table from her.

"Then you have to move forward, you just have to keep going that's all you can do… As trite as it sounds if its meant to be, it will work out… Now, that isn't my best piece of motherly advice, however when you are ready to talk, with a little more information I could probably manage a little better or at least another cliché or two."

"Thank you for not pushing… I know I'm not the best at saying it, but I love you and Dad, you do know that don't you?"

"Of course we do. Now how about I make a breakfast fit to line your stomachs for whatever concoctions Mark sees fit to pour down your throats tonight?"

"You could always come, keep an eye on him?"

"Unlike you delinquents I have no desire to nurse a hangover come tomorrow with fourteen over excited children running rampant through the house. I'm not sure what madness has gotten into Liz and Rob this year for them to want to go…?"

"That would be Mark. He managed to convince Rob he was turning into an old man before his time since the twins were born. He said they needed the excitement, and as the kids would be here there was no need to arrange baby sitters what with Nancy and Kate here too later. Then when Liz still wouldn't agree he warned her she was at risk of turning into a kill joy like Nancy…"

"What did he say to make you agree?"

"Just a standard guilt trip."

The Christmas Eve party Mark had been throwing since high school was a right of passage for any member of the extended Shepherd family, and usually an annual tradition that Meredith would look forward too almost as much as Christmas Day itself. This year however she had done her best to find some way out of attending, but to no avail. There was no escaping the party, or the inevitable meeting with Derek, and there would be no Josh to use as an excuse to avoid the talk she knew he would want to finish. He had allowed her to leave the docks with little protest, but Meredith couldn't see tonight being so easy.

"Your too soft Meredith Grey."

"My liver is already protesting."

"So will your head be tomorrow. So what's it to be French toast? Pancakes? Bacon? Eggs?"

By the time Michael appeared, followed soon after by Amelia and Josh, Carolyn's undemanding companionship had managed to soothe Meredith to where she could greet Josh with at least some resemblance of a normal smile. The feeling lasted all through breakfast, to when later she emerged from the shower to find Josh waiting in the bedroom. His suitcase out open on the bed as he unsuccessfully tried to pack away the extra gifts he had brought for his own family yesterday.

"I like your family."

He greeted, pressing a kiss into her damp hair when she sat down beside the suitcase still wrapped in her towel, and took over the repacking of his case.

"Luckily so do I."

Meredith quipped, and for a moment as he basked in the glow of one of her more teasing smiles Josh allowed himself to pretend everything was normal between them, as if the past two days had simply never happened. It was almost possible to ignore the twisted knot in the pit of his stomach every time he realised that though she was there physically with him, her mind was somewhere else. When she looked at him like that there was no feeling that she was becoming further and further out of his reach, or that maybe pestering her to allow him to visit her family had set off the ending he had always dreaded would one day come.

"And they like me?"

"They do. Mom said so before breakfast."

"Your surprisingly good at this." Josh gestured to where with ease Meredith had managed to accomplish what he had been struggling with for the last twenty minutes.

"Before finally deciding to go back to Dartmouth for Med School I spent six months in Europe blowing a small dent in my inheritance. With a family this size you can imagine how many presents I brought back… I am an expert packer."

"I don't know what to ask first. About Europe? Or your hesitancy in going back to Dartmouth?"

"There's not much to tell about either really. I'm here now so it all worked out."

"Was it about your Mom? I mean your real mother not Carolyn."

"Carolyn is my Mom. Ellis was a surgeon not a Mother." Meredith said her voice full of conviction as she silently wished she had never brought up Europe. This trip was turning out fraught enough, she didn't need to mix in the memories of a dead disapproving Ellis in with it.

"I didn't mean to cause offence Mer. You just never talk about her..."

"She's dead. I was fifteen… What's more is there to say? So can we just leave it please?"

"Yeah of course."

Josh sighed moving the suitcase to the floor so he could sit down beside her, and though she lent into his embrace willingly when he wrapped his arms around her, he could feel the tension running through her whole body.

"We're okay aren't we Mer?"

He hadn't known he was going to ask the question until it was too late to take it back, and what was worse was there was no other response than the stiffening of her body. Silence reigned for the longest few seconds of his life before he pulled back to find her staring at some point behind him.

"Mer…?" Josh prompted softly and when she finally looked at him he was met with a pair of stormy green eyes.

"I just… I haven't been home in a long time. Its a lot. I feel guilty for staying away, and I want to make it up to everyone… I've missed a lot, and you have been great. Really great, and I … We are okay, we are. I just need to do this you know, the family thing..."

Meredith managed to squeeze out her suddenly dry throat, because what did you tell your boyfriend when the man you had run across the country to escape told you he loved you. How could she explain that every time she closed her eyes a vision of Derek swam there, and all she could hear was his words from the night at the docks.

She had believed Derek was using her to escape his marital problems, and never had she even dared contemplate that he might love her too. The man she had been in love with for over half her life loved her. Had been in love with her all along, whilst she had spent every day since she had left trying to forget him. There was no way to explain how ever since it had felt like she had lost the ground beneath her feet, and she had no idea what any of it meant for her, or either of them.

"Okay. So this isn't me leaving Seattle with a girlfriend, and coming back single..."

"I… No … Josh this isn't you. What's going on, it isn't about you."

"Is it about Derek?"

"What?"

"When we were out shopping yesterday Rob mentioned you and Derek had fallen out. How you were best friends, then you had a huge fight and now you barely talk…? Rob said everyone was hoping you two will make up, it was why Mark is so set on you going to the party tonight."

Josh could see the mistake he had stumbled into as he watched her completely shut down in front of his eyes.

"Rob talks too much."

"Mer maybe I could help? Give a fresh perspective…?"

"Me and Derek it's complicated… History, you know there's a lot with everyone and Derek is… Well he's Derek and I'm me so… I am going to get dressed"

Meredith trailed off and Josh watched helplessly as she grabbed up her clothing from the chair by the window and disappeared back into the bathroom. The door closing behind her with a firm click that left no doubt their conversation was over, and he wasn't getting any more from her.

It was a feeling Josh knew all too well, sometimes it felt as if the whole relationship had been spent this way, and yet for some reason he always thought one day it would get better. From the first time he had met her when she had been the Intern assigned to keep an eye on a post-op patient of his, he had been completely enthralled by Meredith Grey.

It had taken a month to convince her to go out with him, and for the first time in his life Josh had found he was the one doing all the chasing with in a relationship. Yet he had stuck it out, hoping if he could just show her how he felt she would one day trust him enough to let him in. It wasn't as if she was incapable of letting people close to her, the four other residents who she had started her internship with were famous throughout the hospital for their unusual friendship. Still no matter how hard he tried he felt like an outsider, now more than ever sat here in her family home.

He couldn't even pretend Meredith hadn't warned him of her limitations, or tried to dissuade him from wanting to take the relationship further than what they had shared originally, but he had been convinced one day she would feel the same way about him as he did her. When Meredith reappeared he knew he wasn't going to get any more from her and so he did what he always did and let it go. The past months with her had taught him the harder he pushed, the further aloof she would become.

"So I'll see you when I get home to Seattle."

"Yeah. You know if you wanted I could give you a lift to the airport?"

Meredith offered and approaching her almost as if she was a wild animal, ready to bolt at any moment Josh kissed her.

"I'll be okay. Enjoy this time with your family, tomorrow is your last full day here remember, I still have another week, and we will see each other when I'm back."

Despite how late it was Derek still found there was no need to use his key to enter Mark's apartment. The door was being opened as he approached, and stepping aside to allow a few people he recognised from the hospital to pass he greeted them with a tired smile and a

"Merry Christmas".

His original plan had been to be out of the hospital by seven, to show his face at the party before the drink really started flowing, and have the chance to see Meredith. However when an emergency had rolled into the ER just as he was finishing he had known his night would not be turning out as planned.

For the past two days he had purposefully kept away from his parents after he had allowed Meredith to leave him stood alone at the docks. Not only to give her space, but because he had no desire to watch her with another man, or have to think about the fact that if she decided he wasn't what she wanted then that would be his life from now onward's.

Instead he had spent the past two days instigating the changes to his life that he wished he had had the courage to do along time ago. There was no lying to himself or pretending otherwise because Derek knew full well if he had only followed Meredith straight away then they would be living a completely different life than this one. His only excuse was he had thought that they had time, that Meredith would take the space she wanted , and then they would work out where they went from there. He had never expected for them to end up this way.

As he made his way through the now seemingly deserted apartment Derek heard a drunken giggle he would have known anywhere. He followed the sound into the spare bedroom Mark had converted in to an office, seemingly the only room that didn't bear any visible scars from the party. Except that was for the two women sat on the floor, their backs resting against Mark's desk, a half empty bottle of tequila being passed between them.

Surprisingly enough Meredith looked the more sober of the two, and it was her who realised their party of two had been interrupted first. Unlike Amelia who called out a greeting at the sight of him stood in the doorway, Meredith stayed silent though he could feel her eyes follow his every movement as he crossed the room to them.

"So by the looks of this place I missed a good party...Where's Mark?"

"Disappeared with some skanky blonde earlier. How's your patient?"

"Hanging on. If he survives the night there's a good chance he'll make it."

"That's good."

"It is. When did Liz and Rob escape?"

"Early. Mark made a punch,"

It was the first time Meredith had spoken and Derek took the small sign of acknowledgement to join them on the floor beside her, shaking his head at the bottle she then offered to him.

"And let me guess he goaded Rob into drinking it? I'm betting Liz wasn't too impressed..."

"She was not. Mark should probably avoid her tomorrow."

"That bad?"

"He was passed out by eleven… Mark went above and beyond this year, but me and Mer were clever enough to stick to the man that never steers us wrong..."

Meredith nodded in agreement with his sisters words, and after another of the quick glances she kept throwing in Derek's direction took a long swig from the bottle, before passing it on to Amelia.

"Well as the only sober person here I would like to point out that it looks like you two have had about enough too, and this party is officially over for another year. Does either of you need a ride?"

"I'm crashing here, but big brother you can take Mer back to Mom's."

"Its fine I can get a taxi..."

Amelia opened her mouth to contradict her, and seeing the long drawn out drunken discussion that was about to take place from past experience Derek reached out and turned Meredith's head so she was looking him squarely in the eye.

"Let me take you home Mer."

Blue clashed with green. Derek could feel Amelia watching them with curious interest and as if finally noticing the scrutiny they were under Meredith nodded.

"Okay."

The drive to his parents was completed in near silence except for the radio playing Christmas carols quietly, and as he pulled into his parents street he dimmed his lights, pulling the car to a stop a few houses down the street from what had been his childhood home. He killed the engine whilst resisting the urge to activate the central locking and dropped his head back against the head rest. Intense relief washing over him when she made no move to get out of the car and disappear into the night. The stillness that followed was only interrupted by Meredith shuffling around so she was facing him, her knees drawn up on to the seat, and Derek half smiled as she stared across at him looking so young and innocent.

"We should talk…"

"We should."Derek agreed in surprise, and if he hadn't of known just how much Tequila was flowing through her blood stream he would have known then.

"You told me you loved me..."

"I do,"

"You can't."

"No, what I can't do is carry on like this. I told you the other night and I meant it, I refuse to waste any more time without you."

"We can't do that again… I cant." Meredith turned away to stare back out the window, her cheeks flushing and Derek understood immediately the conclusion she had jumped too.

"I don't want us too."

Her head swung back around to look at him so quickly he winced for her.

"But you said..."

"I know what I said… What I meant was I want us to do it properly this time. I want to date you, I want it all out in the open, I want to be with you Mer… I want to build a life with you."

"My life is in Seattle."

"I know. It's why I spoke to Richard Webber yesterday."

"What?" Utter shock was written across her face and if he didn't think it would earn him a slap he would have warned her about catching flies as her mouth continued to hang open.

"I'm an old student of his remember, and he's been chasing me since I was looking around for fellowships…I never took it too seriously before, there was never a reason to leave Manhattan until you left me here alone."

"Derek…?"

"Do you love me?"

"I'm drunk..."

"Meredith," His voice was filled with amusement, a smile playing around his lips"Do you love Josh then?"

"I should. I wish I could. I have spent everyday for the past year wishing I could, because he's perfect for me, and if you didn't exist I probably would, and all I am going to do is hurt him, and that is the last thing I want to do…"

Her ramble slowly faded out, and Derek nodded a sudden serious expression replacing the amusement from moments ago.

"If I was a better guy I would walk away, I would tell you in time we can be friends, that one day I will be able to be your pseudo brother again… But I'm not that guy Mer, and I don't want to be the guy who has to learn how to live without you any more, I cant do it. I'm miserable without you."

"This is so ridiculous… Derek you cannot pick up your whole life and move across the country to a hospital you have never even seen before and especially not for me."

"I can. Mer, don't you see this is it for me, you are it. "

"And what if we don't work? Walking away from you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do… I don't know if I can do that again."

"Then don't. I love you, we can make it work Mer I know we can. Just think about it okay, I told Richard I would fly out next week to have a look around, consult on a case he has … I'm not asking for you to make a decision now, I'm just asking for a chance…."

"I don't… I mean how does that even work? If you follow me everyone will know Derek… Josh is there too..."

"I don't care who knows Mer. I love you…"

"Stop saying that. I cant think when you say that, and when you look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like that." Meredith accused, her hand gesturing wildly, narrowly missing his face and Derek found he couldn't hold in his laughter.

"I've missed drunk Meredith. She's a lot easier to talk too."

"None of this makes sense Derek…"

"It will, most probably when your sober... Look Mer we'll figure it out. One step at a time. But first there is something I have been waiting so long to do.."

Meredith stared helplessly at him and leaning over Derek cupped her cheek, his thumb stroking her face, a smile still playing on his lips as he closed the distance between them to brush a feather light kiss over her lips only to pull away again almost immediately.

"Merry Christmas Meredith."

 _ **Please Review...**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Thank You so much for the Reviews, Favourites and Follows. I'm glad this story is being enjoyed, because I am having so much fun writing it!**_

 _ **In the original draft of the first twelve chapters, and the plan for this story this Chapter didn't exist. I had no intention of writing a Christmas chapter, there are far too many amazing ones out there for me to compete. And this one in no way tries to compete, but**_ _ **I made a compromise with myself, I knew this had to be a filler Chapter, so I turned it into a semi Christmas filler to sweeten the deal.**_

 _ **It's not my favourite, I hate fillers so I'm just going to leave it here and I hope you Read, Enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW...**_

 _ **Fairytale Of New York**_

Derek slipped into the room Meredith had once shared with his two younger sisters, and to give them some semblance of privacy closed the door behind him. The ear-splitting snores coming from the tiny female sprawled in the centre of the bed, made it crystal clear the boisterous activates of the morning so far had completely passed her by.

Unlike both of his sisters who insisted sharing a room with Meredith was the singular reason they were now able to sleep through absolutely anything, Derek a notoriously light sleeper had resorted to wax ear plugs during their time together. Meredith had produced them the first time with a laugh, and a quip about how snoring like a trucker was the one trait she, and Thatcher had in common. Not once, had she believed him when he had swore her snores were almost reassuring in their ferocity. Out of embarrassment Derek had never explained how their very first night together in her tiny apartment, he had spent the whole night wide awake listening to her snore. Even though she had been curled naked in his arms, it was the fact that she was there snoring that had made it feel real, rather than just another dream he would wake from.

Now, listening with amused affection to a noise he had thought he would never hear again Derek found he was smiling. Not just because Meredith had come home, but because if they could work this out then one day it wouldn't be just snatched moments, instead it would be a lifetime. He would have a lifetime, and all the misery of the past few years would be left behind, never again would he have to endure the loneliness that had been his life without her. Work was what he had used to try, and fill the giant hole in his life left by her absence. The only moments of peace he had found had been in the O.R. However, those intoxicating peaks were near impossible to sustain when the one person you wanted to share them with had gone. It had meant he was constantly searching for the next high risk, or lost cause case. Professionally he had flourished, moving ahead of any of his competitors, where as his personal life outside the hospital had become non existent. He was well aware everyone had presumed his unpredictable moods, and workaholic tendencies were down to a combination of both the divorce, and his fallout with Meredith, and Derek hadn't corrected them. He couldn't, not when he had made a promise to Meredith never to reveal the affair to anyone, even Mark. The truth was very simple, any hurt, or disappointment he might have felt once about the failure of his marriage, was eclipsed easily by the devastation of his relationship with Meredith ending.

Unlike the numerous regrets he had where Meredith was concerned, his single regret with Rebecca was having dragged it out for so long. It wasn't even as if they had kept their marital problem's private. That was near impossible to do when you couldn't be in the same room together without a row kicking off. By the time he had first drunkly kissed Meredith, he couldn't remember the last time they were happy, or living as anything more than strangers. Meredith may think she was a home-wrecker, but what Derek wished she could truly understand was there was no home to wreck.

When she had left him, and he was forced to finally face up to the mess he had made, he had ended his marriage over the first dinner he had shared with his wife in months. There had been no dramatics, or pleas to try again, just acceptance from them both, that they were done pretending. The relief Rebecca had obviously felt had been clear to see, but for him any feeling of freedom, or weight lifted from his shoulders had been clouded by the realisation it was too little, too late. Whilst Meredith had left his life in a storm of emotions, Rebecca did so with barely a whimper. They had both known they wouldn't be the type of divorcees who stayed friends. There was no residual feelings, or jealousy to prevent them, it was just as Rebecca had so simply, and bluntly put, neither of them cared enough to try.

As another snore rumbled from the bed, Derek threw off the heaviness of the past knowing if he didn't do the job he had been sent up to now, a more noisy and abrupt wake up would be in Meredith's very near future. Regretfully he placed the glass of water, and two pills down on to the bedside table then moved across to the window, and dragged back the heavy curtains.

"Good morning sunshine!"

With a groan Meredith buried her face in the pillow, burrowing away from both the light now streaming into the room, and in her opinion Derek's overly cheerful voice.

"Sadly still no snow, so no white Christmas for you! Even so, it is a beautiful winters day! Clear and crisp!"

As he spoke Derek crossed over to the bed, and began to tug on the blankets, she was clinging so tightly too. He had to force himself to concentrate on the fact he was here to wake Meredith, rather than to ogle the half dressed body he was revealing.

"I slept great on the couch by the way, being woken up at four am after two hours sleep was just fantastic! So as the women who slept in a comfortable bed for over five hours, I hope you are filled to the brim with Christmas spirit!"

Though, he had had no protection from being awoken by a mass of small bodies piling on top of him, both his parents had insisted the usual Shepherd tradition of one up meant all up was in Meredith's case, suspended this year. In the face of protests from children, and adults alike Carolyn had let slip how Meredith had barely slept since she had been back, and was obviously exhausted. Derek still fighting the pull of sleep himself had listened with guilt settling low in his stomach, well aware he was the most likely cause for her insomnia. It was why when the mounds of presents had been demolished, and the clock had shown a more reasonable hour of seven-thirty,Derek had held the younger of his nieces and nephews off in the hallway, and had come to do it himself.

"Why are you torturing me?" Meredith's grumble was muffled by the pillow, and smiling in amusement Derek sat down on the edge of the bed.

"How is wishing the women I love a good morning torturous?"

"Your talking, and your doing it all cheerfully, with that stupid grin on your face. I don't even have to look at you to know its there, and it's annoying."

What had started out as a chuckle turned into a full blown laugh by the time she had finished, and reaching over Derek stroked a hand over her hair.

"Ah ha, hungover Meredith Grey… And, I had thought it was drunken Meredith I had missed the most, clearly I had forgotten the morning after. Now, if you raise your head, and look to your left there is a glass of water, and some painkillers that might help."

"I cant... If I move, I may die." Meredith moaned leaning into his touch as his cool hand grazed her cheek.

"A little dramatic for Christmas morning don't you think? Especially, when you are in a house full to the brim with doctors."

"And children. Fourteen loud, over excited, genetically chatty-chatty Shepherd offspring."

"So me stopping them from coming upstairs to wake you, was the right thing to do then?"

"You did that?"

Meredith asked peeking an eye open to find blue eyes watching her with warm affection.

"I did."

"Thank you,"

"Your welcome. Now any other time, I might say the best way to say thank you would be sex... However, I will behave in the spirit of Christmas, and all..."

With a giggle, and an uncoordinated shove in his general direction Meredith pushed herself up into a sitting position. Smiling in gratitude when with a wink Derek presented her with the glass of water, and two pills. Meredith was too preoccupied with making sure her stomach didn't revolt when she chased the tablets down with the water to protest when Derek shifted them both so they were now sharing her bed. She was now sat with her back against his chest, his jean clad legs framing her as he loosely wrapped an arm around her waist. With a sigh of half relief, half pleasure at the closeness Meredith allowed her head to drop back, and rest against him.

It seemed so much longer ago than three days when she had had to fight her own body to not give in to the temptation of resting her head against his shoulder on the font porch. Three days, in which she had gone from being certain she would be leaving New York, and returning to the same life with Josh in Seattle, to knowing for both their sakes she had to end the relationship. Her whole life had changed in three days, and all because no matter how hard she tried, or how far she ran there was no getting over the man who had his chin resting on her shoulder. The man she had loved for over half of her life, and just like that their early morning talk in his car came rushing back with blinding clarity.

Meredith opened, then closed her mouth countless times before she managed to get any words out, or make sense of the thoughts crashing around her already aching head. Derek who had felt her sudden tension hid his smile in the material

of her oversized Dartmouth t shirt, as he guessed what was happening.

"Your memory is surfacing through the haze of Tequila then?"

"You… you said stuff. Big stuff… Life changing kind of things..."

"I did."

"Did you mean it?"

"Yes."

His voice was little more than a whisper, his hands finding hers to twine their fingers together resting at her waist.

"I meant every word."

"Oh..."

Meredith breathed, and tried to sort through the muddle in her head just enough to give some sort of answer. Derek in Seattle. Derek in Seattle for her, was something she hadn't allowed herself to even fantasise about once during her whole time away. Yet, now he was here giving her that wish as if it was the easiest thing in the world, and it was scary. It was terrifying when she even considered just for a moment all he was willing to give up for her, and there was a sudden desire to bolt. Bolt from the bed, the room and the actual house, and not stop until she could escape this ball of panic in her chest. As if he had sensed her thoughts she felt his arms tighten around her waist, and Meredith forced herself to relax, to think rationally. If she rejected him now, if she told him not to come it would be the end, and she knew she would regret it every day for the rest of her life.

"Okay then."

"Okay? Really, because last night you had a lot more to say. Is this just the hangover talking?"

"No… I think it's okay. I mean you asked for a chance right?"

"I did."

"Then okay… Okay, is all I have right now Derek. I'm saying okay, to a chance..."

Meredith shrugged helplessly as she let her body fall back against him again. She turned her head so she could press her face into his neck, inhale the scent she knew so well, and remember this was Derek.

"I just want to take it slow, I need time…"

"Well, you know I can take it slow, very slow in fact…" Derek teased wanting to lighten the atmosphere, his hands moving to her sides to tickle her just beneath her ribs.

"So not what I meant!" Meredith managed to choke out through the laughter before she caught hold of his wrists. "Stop or I'll be sick."

"Well we don't want that. Vomit is not a good way to start a day… This, now this is how I don't mind starting my day. So lets have this, for a bit longer." Derek empathised his words with a gentle squeeze, pulling her back against his chest.

Meredith allowed the following comfortable silence to last for a few minutes before she reluctantly broke it.

"Have you told anyone yet?"

"Apart from Webber, and my own Chief of Surgery no… I was going to wait till you left tomorrow. I can't leave it any longer, or I risk Mark hearing about it from one of his nurses during pillow talk, and he'll love nothing more than dropping me in it with everyone. I want to tell Mom and Dad myself,"

"Don't tell them about this Derek..." Meredith waved her hand between them "Tell them about the job, but not this, not yet. We need time without any pressure, and our family as much as I love them would be on us like a pack of wolves!"

"Wolves? That's certainly fitting for a few of my sisters,"

"I'm serious,"

"Okay… I'll just tell them that I'm trying to put things right between us, and that Richard is throwing everything my way to tempt me out there... I want us to be open Mer, but only when your ready…"

"Thank you."

"And Josh?"

"I just hate that I am going to hurt him… He asked me if this was us ending before he left, and I said no… I lied to him, I have treated him awfully this whole trip… See it's the Grey thing again,"

"Mer stop. You haven't done anything wrong, we haven't crossed that line, you have nothing to be ashamed off."

"Emotionally we crossed it the moment I joined you at the dock…I have been crossing it ever since I started seeing him. I just wanted to be over you, I didn't want to hurt any more, and I used him..."

"I'm sorry I did that… If I could go back, I would..."

"I know."

"I'll make it up to you Mer."

Derek promised, and it was only then as he concentrated on the sound of her breathing that the noise outside her door penetrated the bubble they had found themselves in.

"I think we are about to be invaded by some of the chatty chatty Shepherd offspring you were moaning about earlier… It looks like I took too long."

"Hold them off, I have to shower."

Ungracefully Meredith rolled from the bed, and managed to stumble into the bathroom, the door closing behind her, just as the bedroom door flew open. Derek wasn't surprised to see Lizzie's eldest daughter Morgan at the head of the pack, followed by three more of his nieces.

"Where's Auntie Mer? Daddy says if he has to be up then so does she. Daddy has a hang over Uncle Derek, and Mummy says it serves him right because he's an idiot!"

Said so matter of factly she sounded much older than her six years, and trying his best not to laugh Derek ruffled her dark curls.

"Daddy might be an idiot, but it's not very nice call him it."

"I didn't. Mummy did."

"Oh well maybe we need to get Grandma to talk to Mummy about her manners then. Auntie Meredith is in the shower, so how about I tell you what really works wonders for a hungover, and will make him feel so much better?"

"What?" Though it was Morgan that spoke, there were three other pairs of wide eyes watching him with curiosity.

"Some Christmas carols. But, it only works if you sing them really loudly."

"Daddy told me he needed a quiet day today because his head hurts… I don't want a cross Daddy, otherwise Santa will come back, and take his presents."

"I'm a brain surgeon, and your Uncle, would I lie? Plus me and Santa, we're like this."

Derek held up his crossed fingers, and watched with satisfaction as at a run they were off, their voices already rising in volume as Morgan led the way into an out of tune rendition of Little Donkey. Derek began to follow, his satisfaction growing with the sound of a grateful "Thank you" coming from the en suite.

When Meredith stepped down into the hallway thirty minutes later, she felt her breath catch in her throat. She didn't know if it was because she hadn't been home in so long, or because there had been so much going on that the actual reality of it being Christmas Day had been pushed right to the back of her mind. Whatever it was, all she knew was suddenly she felt like that six year old, experiencing it all for the first time again. It didn't seem to matter that all the decorations had been up before she had arrived, that she had knelt with Carolyn yesterday to stack the gifts under the tree, or that the one gift she was most nervous about was in her hand. In this moment the whole picture seemed as magical as it had to her then, and there was no stopping the sudden warmth the bloomed in her chest, or the smile spreading across her face.

Christmas Day in the Shepherd house was always a more laid back affair than the traditional Thanksgiving Meredith had missed a month ago. Today was based solely around the enjoyment of the children, it had been the same when they were younger, and now it centred around the next generation. Other relations and close friends were often invited to pop in for some food, and drink throughout the day, but ultimately it was all about quality time together as a family.

"You okay?"

Derek who had been just about to turn to go back into the dining room from the kitchen spotted Meredith at a complete standstill in the archway to the living room, a small package clasped in her hand.

"It's Christmas Day Derek, and I'm home... So yeah I am good."

"Yes you are."

Derek changed directions, his own smile matching hers by the time he was stood beside her.

"Merry Christmas Derek,"

Meredith reached up to press a kiss to his cheek, and then pushed the present she had been holding into his hands. Confused by the gesture Derek held it away from him as if ready to give it back.

"What's this?"

"Your present."

Meredith pushed the present back towards him as she spoke, wishing she had remembered last night to slip it under the tree. All the other presents had been shipped ahead the week previously, but she had never been able to find exactly what she had wanted for Derek until a day before she had flown out.

"Mer…? I didn't..."

Derek stared down at the gift, and felt like a complete ass for not breaking tradition, and getting her something. Long ago when the family had been expanding faster and faster every year, the siblings had decided rather than buy for each other they would concentrate on their parents, and their nieces and nephews.

"No no its okay. It's little, and I saw it in the hospital gift shop in Seattle. This year well I didn't expect it to turn out like it has, but maybe this is more fitting now … You don't have to say anything, and I never expected anything in return, I brought for everyone, and I wanted you to have this..."

Her ramble came to a stop and Derek nodded half smiling.

"Thank you."

"You have to open it, and then say thank you,"

"Right sorry..."

Derek pulled the paper apart, and stared down as he turned the scrub cap around in his hand. He wasn't sure his grin could stretch any wider as he tore his eyes from the cap to stare in wonder at Meredith.

"A ferry boat scrub cap? You got me a ferry boat scrub cap?"

"Well Seattle has Ferry Boat's too you know..."

"I didn't… Now I know I'm going to love it there. Meredith, I love it. Thank you."

"I'm glad."

The way he was staring at here was the exact look she remembered slapping at him for doing the night before. It was a darkening of his eyes, a softness to his smile that suddenly made it impossible for her to think rationally.

"Come here."

"We can't..." Meredith took a quick step back, knowing she wouldn't be able to stop herself from reciprocating in whatever he was planning to start.

Derek ignored her protest to wrap to pull into a tight hug, his breath tickled her ear as he spoke.

"I am very capable of PG rated shows of affection you know!"

When he stepped away Meredith missed the closeness, the only thing that stopped her from pulling him back was the very thin line she knew they were walking.

"I need coffee."

"And I have to put this away, then get back in there, I am on spill duty!."

Meredith was barely through the kitchen door when a large mug of coffee was pushed into her hands.

"You look like you need this sweetheart. I had told them to let you sleep,"

"I'm okay Mom, and Merry Christmas." Meredith kissed the cheek offered to her, but Carolyn stopped her before she could move away.

"Merry Christmas my love." Carolyn said with a smile noticing the change in her daughter from the previous morning. It was as if someone had relit the spark in her, and despite all the obvious signs of a hangover, it was more like the old Meredith than they had seen this whole trip.

"Go sit at the table with that, unless I can convince you to go have something to eat in the dining room, with your Father and the other men."

"This is good Mom," Meredith reassured before moving on to exchange Christmas greetings with the three sisters, and an extremely hungover Rob

"Where did you leave Amelia last night?" Kate asked sliding in beside her at the table.

"She stayed at Mark's,"

"Clever girl." Rob muttered "I don't know why I let him talk me into any of it,"

"Because your a fool. I mean you know Mark, you must have known what he had planned?" Nancy asked leaning against the counter.

"I'm not even sure how you managed to drink it. Me, and Amy were put off by the smell, I think you were the only one that actually drank any."

"Because like Nancy said he's a fool. What time did you get in Mer?" Liz asked from across the table.

"Twoish I think."

"So Der brought you home? The kids found him on the couch this morning..."

"Yeah, he turned up once the party was done."

"So you two are better?" Nancy asked and trying to show any sign that Nancy could possible catch onto Meredith shrugged.

"We're fine."

At the raised eyebrows Meredith realised her mistake immediately, and sighed before addressing the whole room.

"No I mean actually fine! Not Meredith fine, but fine fine…." Remembering Derek's words from earlier Meredith latched on to them "We're working on it, okay?"

"I'm glad. Der missed you." Lizzie said simply but Meredith knew by the set of Nancy's mouth she wasn't finished.

"So does that mean we get to finally hear what really happened?"

"It doesn't matter now," Liz answered for her "It's obviously blown over."

"If it doesn't matter then why can't we hear about it… Honestly Mer I'm curious?"

"Nancy leave it alone," Carolyn intervened "Mer I really think you should eat something?"

"I'm fine honest Mom,"

"Ah ha, there is my favourite girl. Merry Christmas."

Meredith smiled as she felt a kiss pressed into the top of her head.

"Merry Christmas Dad."

"Michael will you get her to eat please. I know she's hungover, but she never remembers that she always feels better after some toast."

Meredith knew Carolyn had a point, however she knew it wouldn't just be toast set out on the dining room table. There would be every type of breakfast food imaginable, and lots of children eating said foods.

"Better do as she says … Come on, I'll look after you."

Michael wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and led her through into the dining room. Meredith immediately found herself the centre of attention from fourteen children, ranging from Kathleen's oldest son Jeremy at fifteen, down to Liz's nearly three year old twins Jamie and Ryan. However, Michael stuck to his word, and she was soon seated between Derek and Kate's husband Jack. It was Derek who pushed a plate of thinly buttered toast in front of her.

"Looking a little green Mer… How's the head?"

Jack laughed as she glanced around at the food, wincing as the twins ran screaming through to the den chased by their sister.

"Bet you are wishing you were wherever Amelia and Mark are right now,"

"No… I'm good. Just keep your eggs out of my line of vision."

"What time did you get in last night?"

"Twoish … I found her and Amy the only survivors of the party sharing a bottle of Tequila in Mark's office. The place was a mess..."

"How much of a mess? The voice came from the doorway, and Derek turned to see Mark still dressed in last nights clothes.

"You haven't been home yet?"

"I haven't been to bed yet. Well, not to sleep anyway."

Mark laughed as Derek covered the ears of Jenny Nancy's five year old daughter who was sat next to him.

"Coincidently I was prepared for that outcome, and stocked the car with a change of clothes and the presents. So how's Robert?"

"If I was you I would stay out of sight of Liz."

"How bad are we talking? Are we at the 'I told Carter about the crush' end of the scale or..."

"Bridesmaid in the Church end..." Meredith answered, alluding to when Lizzie missing a bridesmaid for the wedding party photos had found her old college room-mate with Mark semi naked in the Churches ladies toilets.

"Well in that case Uncle Mark is going up for a shower, and if you brats go grab your cousins, out in the hall there is some seriously good gifts waiting for you. So good, I will reign as favourite Uncle for another year..."

"Delusional as well as sleep deprived, everyone knows I'm the favourite Uncle and the favourite brother."

"I'm not the delusional one…"

"Hey Liz there you are..." Meredith teased cutting in to the familiar build up between Derek and Mark. She nearly choked on her toast when a visibly paler Mark swung around with his hands held up in defence.

"Well that wins the favourite in-law contest right there." Paul, Nancy's husband announced from the other side of the table.

"Kid, how can you betray me like that…Where's the love? You're meant to be on my side."

"You guilt tripped me into coming last night, and then left me and Amy to play hostess to your guests, there is no love this morning..."

"Hey come on I have been chasing Hannah for three years,"

"Helen, her name was Helen."

"You sure?"

Meredith simply stared her eyebrow raising, and Mark smirked.

"When you do that, I have flashbacks to Ellis every-time I left my bike in your drive…"

The piece of toast hit him square in the face, and jumping from his seat Derek steered him out in to the hall.

"Thin ice. She's hungover…You have one woman pissed at you, do you really want another? If she gangs up with Liz, then your life will be over."

"If she's pissed at me, you get to fly under her radar."

"Mer and me, we've talked. We're working on it."

"That's great Shep."

"Yeah it is."

"I'm glad. Now persuade her to come home… "

"That won't happen,"

"Oh shit cover me for me." Mark hissed shoving Derek towards the kitchen as the door began to open, and Derek heard him disappearing up the stairs as he came face to face with his sister.

"Where is he?"

"I have no idea what your talking about." Derek said loudly as his hand moved to point to the direction Mark had headed. It was only moments later before there was a shout from Mark and laughing Derek headed back into the dining room only to find Meredith had disappeared.

That was how it continued for the rest of the day. It seemed to Derek that the powers that be, or rather his family had decided he had had his allowance of alone time with Meredith for the day. From her breakfast she had been dragged off to admire all the new toys, and the kids had held her attention till dinner when she had been seated at the opposite end of the table to him. Though he wanted her to have this time, that she needed it, he also knew once she flew out tomorrow evening it would be days before he saw her again, and selfishly he wanted as much time with her as possible.

Once she was in Seattle, her life where he had no part yet, she could change her mind, or decide Josh was the safer bet after all. He knew he was being paranoid, it just felt as if the past few days were a dream and he was due a sharp awakening. So he leaned in the doorway to the den and watched with a smile as Jenny, and Morgan practised their braiding skills on her hair. Amelia who had appeared at lunchtime fresher than any of them who had been at the party, was sat on the floor in front of the couch having the same treatment by Chloe and Libby.

"Your going to Seattle aren't you?" Liz's voice was a whisper, and stunned Derek turned to look at the sister closest in age to him. He hadn't even heard her approach let alone stood right next to him.

"How do you even know that? I thought Nancy was the witch in this family?"

"Rob may well be an idiot but I am not. I've been watching you today, and the way you look at Mer… It's like Dad looking at Mom. I have never seen you look at someone like that before, or if you have I wasn't paying attention, or rather you didn't want us to see it."

There was heavy significance placed on Lizzie's words that Derek chose to ignore.

"Hmm… You know Rob isn't an idiot, he chose my favourite sister after all."

"And Mer has been in love with my favourite brother since we were fifteen years old."

"Come on..."

"Der I have been one of her best friends since we were six, and like I said not an idiot! She was crazy about you, in a very Meredith way, which meant hiding it under a banner of complete avoidance, but it was always there. Whatever is going on I'm glad you finally caught up. Just make sure you tell Mom and Dad first!"

"I was planning too. You don't seem too cut up at the thought of me leaving,"

"I'm glad your going. It means I get a shot at being the favourite for once."

"No chance..."

"I'm guessing that knowing Mer, no one is meant to know anything?"

"No."

"I can keep a secret. Just Der, whatever happened before don't hurt her like that again…"

"I won't,"

"You wont what?" Kate asked coming up behind them, the cordless house phone held out in her hand.

"What are you doing with that?" Liz countered, and Kate nodded to where Meredith was.

"It's Josh. Mer must have left her cell somewhere,"

Derek watched as his sister took the phone to Meredith, and then Meredith promptly excuse herself much to the disappointment of his nieces. Wanting more than anything to follow, Derek held back, and took the spot Meredith had left on the couch. Meredith still hadn't appeared over an hour later when the rest of the adults had gathered in front of the TV, and worried now Derek started to check her preferred hiding places. He finally found her out in the back yard swinging back and forth on the old garden swing set.

"Hey?"

"Hey..."

"It's cold out here..."

"I think crisp is what you called it this morning…"

Meredith leaned back on the swing to stare up at the night sky.

"I couldn't tell him… I thought I would, but then he was talking, and I couldn't."

"It's okay. I'm not going to push you into anything. If your not ready, your not ready…"

"Do you know you are the only person I've ever broken up with before…"

"Are you asking me for feedback?"

Her unexpected giggle was like music to his ears, and sitting down on the other swing Derek pushed off with his legs to keep pace with her.

"No!"

"Good. That would be an awkward conversation, even for us…"

"It would be… I know it's my ego talking, but I don't want him to hate me, I'd like to be his friend,"

"Yeah, don't say that,"

"So no offering to be friends, right. Anything else?"

"Meredith no… Just be honest. Trust me you are not easy to hate."

"Nor are you. Mark will hate me when you tell him."

"No he wont… He'll probably end up following us. Second thoughts?"

"About Mark? Well I really like the nurses at Seattle Grace, and they like me too… That won't last long if I'm responsible for bringing Mark into their lives."

"Meredith,"

Laughing now Derek came off his swing to stand in front of her, cupping her face in his hands.

"Answer me."

Meredith let go of one of one of the chains to hold his waist, widening her legs for him to move closer so she could lay her head against his stomach.

"I may not want to hurt Josh, but no second thoughts. I came home because I was done running from you, and they do say; if you can't beat them, then join them..."

Wrapping his arms around her Derek bent to kiss the top of her head.

"Not the most complimentary comparison, but as I love you I'll let that go. It'll be okay Mer, you'll see. Everything will work out, I can feel it."

 _ **PLEASE REVIEW...**_


	5. Chapter 5

**_Once again Thank You for all the lovely Reviews, they have really helped me push this chapter out, when time has not been on my side this week whatsoever._**

 ** _Due to that, this chapter could probably do with some more editing, however if I don't post tonight, I wont have time for a few more days, so extra apologies for any mistakes hidden away.._**

 ** _So here you go, this is the first chapter where the story really gets going..._**

 _ **Home Is Where The Heart Is**_

 _ **Part One**_

The silence that met Derek when he let himself into his parent's home felt strange after the past few days of noisy festivities. There were no children of any size coming at a run to meet him, and none of his sisters, or brother in laws voices were raised in greeting as he walked through the house towards the kitchen. Kate, Nancy, and Liz had all decamped with their families back to their own homes yesterday, leaving only Amelia which Derek wasn't too proud to admit was a relief.

Lizzie had surprisingly guessed his intention to follow Meredith, however he had no desire to try, and explain his move across the country to either Kate or Nancy. Although Lizzie had accepted it with barely a blink, and he was sure Amelia would follow suit, he knew their reactions would be the exception to the rule. From his older sisters there would be question after question, demands for explanations that he would never be successfully able to meet.

Neither Kate, or Nancy would be able to leave the subject alone until they got the truth out of him, however unwilling he may be to give it. The only way he would be able to keep to what he had agreed with Meredith would be to fall back on what he had used countless times over the past two years when they had pried, and that would be to just simply leave. However, the fact his sisters were such known quantities made it easier to plan ahead, whether it was with what to say, or how to escape from their interrogation.

The reaction he was most uncertain of, would come from the two people whose opinions mattered the most to him. There was not a doubt in his mind that his father had talked with his mother about him, and Meredith, and he wasn't sure what their reaction would be now Meredith had left. If he was confident of one thing it was that his father was the one to thank for his mother's silence so far on the subject, but with Meredith's departure yesterday he could only assume that particular ceasefire was over.

Yesterday, he had been in surgeries pretty much back to back till the early hours of this morning which meant he had missed Meredith's leaving all together. He had planned to follow her to the airport, and see her off away from the prying eyes of his family. Instead, he had emerged from his final surgery to see a simple text explaining she would call tomorrow. Now tomorrow was today, and he had been scared to let his phone out of his sight in case he missed her call.

He hated the waiting, it reminded him far too much of the previous time she had left him with no goodbye, and had gotten on a plane to Seattle. The same feeling of having no control, knowing everything that mattered, your very future was in someone else's hands. He had to constantly remind himself that this time was different, Meredith was letting him in, she was talking, where as before he had been shut out of her life long before her feet had touched ground in Seattle.

"Hello son, this is a pleasant surprise."

Derek had only just stepped across the threshold of the kitchen when his father came through the back door.

"Hey Dad, is Mom not around?"

"She's just taking some leftovers to Mr Webb over the road, she'll be back presently. Are you in a rush?"

"No rush, I'm not due in till one. Is Amy about?"

"She's gone to Liz, and Rob's. I think they both got a bit too used to having Meredith home again. Amelia actually moaned the house was _too_ _quie_ _t_ last night!"

Derek took a seat at the table, and watched as his father poured coffee in to three cups before bringing two over, and taking the chair opposite him.

"Something on your mind son?"

"The night of Meredith's welcome home dinner you told me I needed to give her something to believe in, to show her I was serious, that this wasn't just more empty words…."

"I remember,"

"Well I came over today because I wanted to tell you that I…"

Derek trailed off as he realised just how hard this was going to be. The furtherest he had ever been away from his parents was his time at Bowdoin, a car ride away where as this was the other side of the country. There would be no more just popping by like this, no Saturday night family dinners, or with little planning going off for a weekend away fishing with his father. All of a sudden he understood much more clearly what exactly Meredith had been driven to give up because of him, and he felt a sharp lump form in the back of his throat.

"Derek..." Michael prompted with a dawning realisation of what it was his son was finding so hard to tell him.

"I've decided I'm going to go to Seattle."

Derek forced the words out in a rush, before taking a deep breath.

"I spoke with Richard Webber the Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace a few days ago, and he is only too happy to offer me a position there. His head of department is set to retire, and the jobs mine if I want it… It gives me time to get to know the lay of the land first, rather than coming in, and stepping on toes..."

"But this isn't about the job is it?"

Michael refused to allow the grief that was currently setting like lead in his stomach to come through into his voice. The thought of now not only having one child thousands of miles away, but two was more painful than he could ever want Derek, or Meredith to know. He had always wanted his children to feel free to live their own lives, yet Meredith's leaving had proven the reality of that was very different to the theory. It didn't matter how many times him, and Carolyn flew out to visit, or Meredith called, he still felt her absence from their lives everyday.

"No…"

Derek half smiled as he stared down at the table top, his thumb tracing the worn wood before he looked up to meet the eyes of his father.

"I love her."

"I know you do, and I know she loves you too. How does she feel about this?"Michael asked unable to believe that knowing his son as well as he did that he had never expected this to be the outcome.

"Well she thought it was ridiculous when I first told her, but she was drunk. Now she's sober I'm sure she still thinks it is, but she's willing to give me, well to give us a chance. She wants to take it slow, and I'll give her all the time she needs."

"I'm happy for you, I'm happy for the both of you."

If there was upside to having his son so far away, it was that he would be with Meredith. They would be together, and Michael would know there was someone there who really knew her, loved her, and would protect her just as he would. He had liked her friends the instant he met them, and Lexie he had known for years, but he often worried how much his daughter let them know her.

He had sensed the loneliness, and hurt Meredith had been so determined to hide on his first visit out to Seattle, it was what had driven him to suspect there had been the more than the usual falling out between his two children. It was that particular memory that sent Michael on another path of worry, and as he looked at his son sat across the table from him, he wondered how much his son was prepared for what would lay ahead of them.

"But..?" Derek prompted, unable to ignore the concern clouding the older man's face.

"I don't want to pry, or for you to feel as if you need my permission because you don't. However, for my own peace of mind I have to make sure your not doing this without thinking of what comes after, not just for you, but for Meredith too."

Michael said, feeling torn between wanting them to be happy, and worrying Meredith was about to open herself up again, only to find herself broken hearted. The girls had teased him for years that Meredith was his favourite. Michael had always denied it because he did love them all the same, but Meredith held a special place in his heart that was hard to explain.

From the moment Michael had first met her clinging onto the hand of Lizzie, seemingly bewildered by the chaos of the family, she had brought forward in him an undeniable urge to protect her, and save her from the obvious neglect she seemed to think was normal. Up until Ellis's death they had had no rights, or say over how Ellis parented, they could only try their best to counteract the harm being done on a daily basis.

It had seemed to be working, until the combination of Ellis's death, and the reappearance of Thatcher opened old wounds, at the same time as causing new ones, doing damage to all the work they had done to convince Meredith she was both worthy and deserving of love. It had taken years for Meredith to trust them, and to accept their love once more, and when she had left for Seattle Michael had felt as if they were losing her all over again. Thankfully that hadn't been so, but he couldn't shake the idea that if this didn't work, they would lose her forever this time.

"I've thought about it all Dad,"

"Are you sure? As much as you are about to change your life, Meredith will have to do the same, if not more. She has a whole new life there, a life she felt she had to build because of what happened between you before."

"Dad I know…"

"Do you? Her friends, and Lexie have become a second family, and you are going to have to accept those people, and their place in her life. It won't be just you, and Meredith like it has been here, like it has been pretty much your whole lives up until she left."

Michael hated doing this, but he felt he owed it to them both, he had to make sure his son was ready for what was ahead.

"Two years has passed, you have both changed, and she has been in a relationship with another man, who loves her, and works in the same hospital as you will. This wont be a case of you going there, and everything being okay, it will be hard."

"Are you trying to put me off?"

"No, son no. I just need to make sure this is truly what you want, and your prepared to let Meredith set the pace. I would hate to see you break my little girls heart again, or for you to get yours broken in the process, because it seems too much."

"I won't hurt her..."

Derek stared in to his father's face until Michael nodded.

"I have thought about it all. This isn't a grand gesture done on a whim because I thought she might have moved on. I'm well aware of what I'm asking from her, and I know it's going to take time.. I have a lot to make up for, but this is just what I should have done two years ago..."

"I'm trusting you with her Derek, don't make the same mistake twice, and let her down."

Derek didn't have chance to answer as his mother came in, her whole face lighting up to see him sat there before slowly a knowing look came into the large brown eyes.

"Hello dear I wasn't expecting to see you today,"

"Well I don't have anything scheduled till later so I thought I'd stop by,"

As he spoke Derek got up from the table, crossing the room to kiss her cheek.

"And you wanted to tell us without your sisters here that you're following Meredith out to Seattle."

"God what is it with the women of this family… Do you have some superpower I don't know about?"

"No super power, but I know you. I know you have been a different person for the past few years."

Carolyn raised a hand up and pressed it to his cheek, her thumb stroking softly the face that was the perfect copy of the only man she had ever loved.

"I realise now it's because this stopped being home the moment Meredith left."

"Ma… "

"Tell me I'm wrong?"

Derek sighed with a sad smile.

"I can't…"

"That's what I thought. Now go sit down, finish your coffee."

Derek returned to his seat, and watched his mother join his father, her hand immediately seeking his on top of the table.

"I know Dad must have told you. I'm sorry if your disappointed in me, but don't blame Mer. I pursued her, I pushed for more… I caused all of this." Derek said his voice heavy with sincerity, but Carolyn only shook her head.

"I don't blame either of you. We all knew how unhappy you were, I just wish you had chosen a different way or handled it better so it didn't end the way it did."

"I'm sorry Ma."

"You don't have to apologise to me, or anyone. I think both of you have punished yourselves, and each other enough now."

For a moment Carolyn simply stared at him before sitting up straighter, and unlike the more surprising behaviour of his father, Derek had some idea of what was coming next.

"That girl of mine certainly has. Now, if I'm going to be mad about anything it's that you let this go on for so long. What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't…"

"Well that's clear. If you hurt that girl again Derek Christopher Shepherd I will forget you are my son, and I will hunt you down. Do you understand me?"

"Yes Ma…"

"What's funny? If you imagine I am joking then my boy let me tell you..."

"No. No. It's not that. I'm just not even meant to be talking about this. Mer doesn't want anyone to know… Lizzie guessed without me saying a word, and she has no idea you two know."

Carolyn glanced at her husband, and though he was fighting to keep a smile from his face she could see the far deeper emotions in his eyes. She understood what path Derek's announcement had lead him down, and could easily imagine the talk that had taken place before she had arrived. She squeezed the hand holding hers, and turned back to their son.

"We won't tell her."

"You can't Ma, she compared it to a pack of wolves, and its not hard to see why..."

At Derek's words Michael's face finally split into a grin, a deep chuckle following, amusement easing the lines around his face.

"Well that isn't too far off from the truth."

Ignoring them Carolyn centred her whole attention on Derek again.

When do you leave…?"

"As soon as possible… I have no more surgeries scheduled after this one today. I have holidays banked so I've t… …"

Derek suddenly realised he had no reason to stay, there was always cover to be found, and he could deal with everything else easily enough over email, and phone. There wasn't much he needed from his apartment, and he could always arrange for it to be packed, and shipped to him. He grabbed his cell phone from his pocket, and within moments was searching through flight details, until he stopped at the first flight for tomorrow morning.

"Derek?"

"I leave in the morning."

"Well, can you stay for some early lunch?" Carolyn asked trying to act casual despite the despair she could feel building.

"Of course I can."

Derek was suddenly enveloped in his mothers arms from behind, he reached up to hold her there as she pressed her cheek to his.

"I love you, and I will miss you every day… but go, make each other ridiculously happy, I would like some more grand babies to fuss over."

"Ma!" His outrage was countered by his fathers much louder laugh, and when his mothers voice dropped to a whisper, Derek had to strain to hear her.

"Whatever your father said, it's because of how much he loves you both."

"I know." Derek breathed as he turned his head to kiss her cheek.

* * *

The shift had barely started, and already Meredith could feel her body protesting, letting her know it needed more than a constant influx of coffee to keep it running. What she needed was to sleep. It had evaded her once again last night, now back in her own bed, and instead of sitting at Carolyn's kitchen table at four am this morning Meredith had given up, and came in early to work. She had hoped there would be something interesting to distract her, however there were few elective surgeries scheduled, and the most exciting thing she had seen in the Pit was an inflamed gall bladder. The only benefit she had found so far to coming in early was that she had avoided her friends, and all the questions that would come about New York.

Meredith didn't know how to explain about New York, about Josh, or how in a few day's Derek would be here in Seattle, for her. The draw of Seattle had always been that there were no memories lurking round every corner, and now all that was about to change, and the same fear she had felt Christmas morning seemed to have taken up permanent residence in her chest. The only person she thought would understand was Cristina, but Cristina had succeeded where Meredith had failed, and was in surgery. With a deep breath she forced herself to focus on her patients chart, and trying to decipher her interns handwriting.

"Hey your back,"

Meredith looked up to see her half-sister, and for the first time that morning felt a natural smile appear. Though they had never discussed it, Meredith was aware her sudden move from the East Coast was why a year later Lexie had opted to join the surgical program here, rather than the one at Mass Gen as had been planned.

"I am. How was Christmas?"

"Molly and Laura came over so that was good. Mom cooked enough to feed an army... Which is why you have a fridge full of leftovers, Alex lent me his key yesterday, Mom insisted."

"Well tell her I said thanks, though if Alex has been home since I'm not sure how much will be left for me to eat."

"You haven't been home?"

"I have, but no further than the stairs, and my bedroom. Why is it some kind of disaster zone?"

There had been no sign of either of her room-mates last night, and not since Izzie, and George had first moved in had she been so glad to have the house to herself. When George had moved out late last year, Alex had took over the spare room, yet more often than not she felt as if she had four room-mates instead of two with both George, and Cristina crashing there.

"Everything was fine. Was it good to go back? I bet everyone was glad to see you."

It was all said in complete innocence, but Meredith blanched a little at the subject change. Lexie had known Derek, during her time at Harvard, she had visited the Shepherd's home often, fitting in well with the whole family. Meredith also knew it wouldn't be long after Derek arrived that Lexie would be able to put the pieces together. With that in mind she tried to keep her answer from straying into being about anyone in particular,

"I didn't realise how much I had missed it all till I was there. They've flown out, and we all Skype so you think its the same till you walk through the door, and realise how much you have missed, and how much you have missed everyone, of just being with them in the same room."

"They're your family Mer that's all normal..." Lexie said with a wistful expression Meredith had come to recognise.

"Your my family too Lexie. Just like Cristina, Izzie, George, and Alex."

"I know, it's just Mom was hoping you'd pop in or something..."

"Did you tell her I was on the other side of the country?"

Meredith knew she should have seen this coming, it had been the same last Christmas. It was as if Susan had seen her moving here as a sign that Meredith wanted to improve relations with Thatcher, despite how many times Meredith had tried to tell her otherwise. Thankfully due to her intern schedule last year that had consisted of little more than Susan restocking her fridge, and inviting her over for dinners that Meredith had managed on more than one occasion to escape with a well timed page from Cristina. However, ever since Lexie had started here Susan had decided to up the ante, and use Lexie to try, and bridge the gap between them.

"I did, and that I wasn't sure exactly when you flew back...She still just thinks if you, and Dad can talk then maybe…"

"He'll stop being the man who used to pour my cereal? Michael's my Dad Lexie, that won't change no matter how many dinners I am forced to sit through."

"I know, I know, just don't shoot the messenger okay?"

"I'll try not too…"

"So you haven't mentioned Josh, did it go badly…?"

"No... Everyone liked Josh, everyone always likes Josh, he's a good guy..."

"Everyone except Cristina."

"Well yeah, but its not that she doesn't like him, she just..."

"Finds him annoying?" Lexie helpfully added, and Meredith grimaced.

The first warning signs of what was to come between Josh, and Cristina had first appeared weeks after Meredith had started sleeping with him, when he had inadvertently had her kicked her off one of his Cardio cases. Ever since it had only grown, but whilst Cristina was openly hostile, Josh went out of his way to try, and appease her which only made it worse. It didn't matter how many times Meredith told him not to, he was genuinely just a decent guy who wanted her friends to like him, and apart from Cristina they did.

"Yeah..."

"I think it's because he's so eager, and perky."

"Perky?"

"Well yeah, I mean compared to you most people look perky."

"I could be perky…" At Lexie's doubtful look Meredith shrugged "Well I would be if this caffeine would kick in."

"So how was Mark's annual Christmas Eve party? Did you see a lot of him, and Derek?"

Meredith narrowed her eyes at her sisters all too innocent tone. She knew Lexie wasn't aiming for anything about Derek, she had never told her sister anything that had happened, then suddenly it clicked.

"No... Alexandria Grey no!"

"What?"

"I know what your doing. You want to know about Mark, if he's seeing anyone? If he asked about you? No!"

"I wasn't. I'm just asking because he was always really nice when I visited, and when he was here a few months ago he was really sweet to me, he said if I could get the time off I should come with you, and he emails sometimes… Mainly to check up on you, he's just seems like a good guy that's all, and you are practically related so I was being kind in asking."

"No you were not! You are an awful liar. I'd like to remind you every time you visited Rob was sweet to you. Jack, and Paul who are genuinely lovely went out of their way to make you feel welcome…"

Meredith dropped the chart onto the desk, and turned so she was facing her sister.

"Derek, Derek who is a good guy, a great guy used to pick you up from the airport, and get tickets for anything he thought would interest you… But you're not asking about them! You are asking about Mark. Mark who I love, despite the fact he is a man-whore, and who will be until he decides he wants to grow up. You, your heart lives in your vagina, Mark is not what you need."

Meredith ranted, finally running out of steam, and watched the utter horror dawn on Lexie's face.

"God Mer that's gross, and so untrue…"

When Meredith raised a sceptical eyebrow in response Lexie sighed

"I only asked how he was?"

"Yeah you did, and you did it with a happily ever after, starry eyed glaze to your eyes, and no I refuse to allow Mark Sloan, and his penis to break my sister!"

"We're talking about penises, and it's not even ten am, looks like someone had fun in New York." Cristina had appeared without either of them noticing, and Meredith instantly corrected her.

"Its not me who wants to have the fun, its Lexie… Lexie likes Mark."

"Mark Sloan? The one who hit on Izzie, and me? No, you can't like McSteamy your heart lives in your vagina..."

"I said that." Meredith proclaimed with a look of triumph, that only caused Lexie to scowl.

"I hate you both,"

"Three whilst your hating us can you go keep an eye on Mr Peters, I want hourly updates."

"Three, again Cristina?"

Meredith protested, drawing back to a dispute they had been having ever since Lexie's first day, when Meredith had realised her sister was addressed as a number by her best friend, and Lexie's resident.

"I can't be seen to show favouritism Mer." Cristina shrugged in indifference, and Lexie smiled as Meredith shrugged apologetically.

"It's fine, we're at work that's the deal. I'll see you later."

"So you didn't have _fun_ in New York? You were very quiet, I expected at least one panicked phone call, or a plea for me to call and save you."

Before Meredith could form a sentence to begin to explain to her best friend they were interrupted.

"Hey Mer your back. How was New York? How was Josh, did everyone love him?"

Izzie gave her a one armed hug, and Meredith nodded opening the chart again looking for an escape.

"It was good…"

"So Josh and the Shepherds hit it off?"

"They did. Everyone loved everyone,"

"That's great! God I loved Carolyn, and Michael. Michael is like the hot dad in High School everyone has a crush on..."

"Iz that's..." Meredith tried to interrupt, but Izzie paid her no attention as she took a seat at the desk.

"You know who I wouldn't mind meeting, the son. Not Mark, the one Carolyn showed me the photos off. Hot!"

"Is he as _hot_ in real life Mer?" There was an amused gleam in Cristina's eyes, and not for the first time Meredith regretted spilling her whole history with Derek in a drunken game of whose life sucks the most.

"He is, and has great hair. I have an attending to find so I will see you guys at lunch..." Meredith made it to the elevator, she could feel Cristina following her and wasn't surprised when a hand grabbed her arm, and pulled her into the stairwell.

"Okay what have you done?"

"I haven't done anything."

"Then why do you look like that?"

"Like what?"

"That."

"Derek..."

"You did Derek...Seriously? So you did have fun in New York, just not with the boyfriend."

"No I didn't do Derek! Derek told me he loves me,"

"McMarried loves you..."

"He's divorced."

"Okay, well that still doesn't explain why you look like that."

"I look like this because he's moving to Seattle, and I might have agreed to give us another chance, actually I did agree."

Cristina's response was a peal of laughter

"Stop it."

"Does Josh know? Did you even mention the history between you two? Oh… He knows nothing, and now Derek is what coming here, and you and Josh are what…?"

"Derek only told me about Seattle Christmas Eve, and I never said I would tell Josh anything. I didn't think he needed to know…I'm a terrible person aren't I?."

"A terrible girlfriend maybe…"

"Ex… I was going to break up with him Friday, but I couldn't."

"Because it was Christmas Day?"

"No, because I'm a chicken."

"So you left Seattle with one boyfriend, and came back with two? Just when I start to think your boring, you rise!"

"I am a terrible person."

"Your not, but you are definitely a terrible girlfriend."

"Thank you for being so supportive,"

"Your welcome."

Meredith scowled at her best friend just as she caught sight of Dr Nelson who's service she was on through the small window in the door.

"I have to go. If you go down in the Pit can you keep an eye on my interns?"

"It depends, will you moan at me when I number them?"

"Do as you please, just don't let them kill anyone." Meredith called back as she hurried after her attending.

She had hoped for him to have some surgery, or interesting case instead he had said apart from keeping an eye on his post op patients she wasn't needed. It was as she watched the older man wander off that Meredith realised in a few days it would be Derek here as an attending. Rather than allowing her mind to wonder, and worry over the complications his position would bring to them Meredith reached for her cell phone. There was no need to search through her contacts, his number came to her as easily as the last time she had called his phone when she had still lived in New York. It rang only twice before his familiar voice was there in her ear.

"I miss you."

Derek sighed as he lent back against the scrub room sink, glad she had rang now rather than a matter of minutes later when his cell phone would be in the possession of a scrub nurse.

"You saw me two days ago." Meredith felt the tiredness and boredom from minutes before disappear with the simple sound of his voice.

"It feels longer. How is your morning going?"

"You really want to know?"

"Yes,"

It was one of the things he had missed during their time apart. All the news of her had been passed on by his father, and Mark, but neither of them had thought to include the little details they took for granted, tiny things which made you feel an actual part of someone's life.

"Well my interns are idiots, and it's really slow today so there is no escape from them, or their awful charting. Lexie has a weird thing for Mark, Izzie my room mate today told me she thinks Dad is hot, and oh she wants to meet you..."

"You told her about us?"

"No she doesn't want to meet _my_ Derek she wants to meet the Shepherd son, because you look like Dad who she thinks is hot!"

"I'm your Derek..."

"Seriously that's what your choosing to focus on, a slip of the tongue rather than the bit about my hot blonde room mate having a thing for Shepherd men."

"Right sorry. I think Dad is past the age of being interested in hot blondes, and I only have eyes for one hot blonde, so no Shepherd men for her, unless you think she would like one of the cousins, I heard Greg is single..." Derek smiled in satisfaction when he heard the giggle he adored come over the line.

"Greg? Greg is what twelve..."

"Nineteen Mer."

"Well he looks twelve, I'll ask Mom for some more family photos, give Iz more of a choice."

"Talking of Mom, I've just come from there."

For a brief moment Derek was tempted to tell her just how much his parents knew, before he decided the less pressure she felt the better. Plus he didn't want anything further to make her relationship with them more difficult. He knew ultimately that was one of his fathers concerns, that if this went wrong they would lose the girl they both loved so much.

"And…?"

"It's okay. I stayed for a goodbye lunch, and promised I would call home twice a week, and that I would be back for Easter to visit."

"A goodbye lunch?"

"Ah… I have pushed things up by a few days, my flights tomorrow morning, so I'll be with you by noon."

Static was the only reply, and Derek pulled the phone from his ear to check they were still connected.

"Mer are you freaking out? If you need more time I can change it..."

"Yes…."

"Oh okay…"

"No I mean yes to the freak out! Tomorrow is fine right. Its just a step, you'll be here tomorrow…"

"Meredith if your not ready..." Derek could hear Michaels words from earlier repeating in his head, and he wondered if he was maybe asking too much too soon.

"I want you here Derek, I do."

"Okay, one step at a time. Now what was that about Lexie and Mark?"

"He emails her, did you know?"

"No, I had no idea. About what?"

"She said mostly me… Derek if Mark lays one finger on my sister I will cut off his little Sloan."

"Would you like me to pass that message on?"

"Yes! Lexie is, she's not me Derek… You've met her, she's like the me if I had grown up normally, and she is not like your sisters who _know_ Mark..."

"Stop. I don't want to think about how my sisters _know_ Mark… I will pass your message on. Personally I like the you that you are, I wouldn't want you any other way,"

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"Thank you. You know you can't say that stuff around Cristina right?"

"Your best friend? The one Mark is scared of?"

"Yeah. She knows about you, about before, and well now, but if you talk like that she'll mock you, and you'll end up with some awful nickname."

"Does Josh have one?"

"No… They don't really get along, well he tries, but Cristina is Cristina. Mark does."

"Tell me?"

"McSteamy."

Derek let out a huff of laughter.

"I bet he loves that."

A tap at the scrub room window caused Derek to remember where he was, and with a sigh he nodded at his resident.

"I have to go, my patient and a whole O.R is waiting. So tomorrow I'll see you then."

"Tomorrow." Meredith repeated

"I love you Mer."

"I know. I miss you too by the way."

"Good. And I'll talk to Mark as soon as I see him."

The high of talking to Meredith lasted right up until Derek looked up from the aneurysm he was about to clip, to see Mark stood at the back of his O.R. with a scowl on his face.

"Hey this is a surprise, finally come to see how the professionals do it?"

"Tell me that it's some joke Liz has paid you to carry out to get me back for Christmas Eve, tell me Tanya the nurse has it wrong."

"Pillow talk?"

"Does it matter… Everyone is talking about it, why am I the last to know?"

"You weren't meant to be. Bartlett said it would be kept quiet till I had made a decision..."

"So it's not final?"

"It is. No contract's are signed, but on my side it's done… I suppose he had to put the feelers out for a new Head of Department."

"I don't care about your replacement. I care that your leaving me, that your breaking us up..."

"This is why people get the wrong idea about us. You cant go around talking like that." Derek sighed seeing the smirks pass between his two residents, but with one glare from Mark all amusement vanished.

"I don't get this...Your Bartlett's golden boy, he's pretty much promised you his job once he steps down, and people come from all over the East Coast to consult with you..."

"And Seattle Grace is the second ranking teaching program in the country...The head of the department will be retiring in a few month's so I'll have time to find my feet there, and…"

"So your not even going to be Head there?"

"I don't need to be, not while I find my feet at least… Richard has said there will be no interference from the current one, the guy is fine with me coming out, and taking some of the weight off his shoulders."

"I can't believe this… What does Mer think?"

"She's fine with it…We're working things out, and I just thought I could do with a change of scenery… Seattle has Ferry Boats too you know."

"It doesn't have me!"

The whole room was now watching the scene play out in obvious amusement, but Mark didn't seem to notice or care.

"I thought you'd be happy that I've stopped being an _ass,_ and that I'm making an effort with Meredith."

"I am … But I told you to bring her home, not for you to leave me too."

"Talking of Meredith, what's going on between you and Lexie?"

"Lexie?"

"Her half sister. You email her."

"Oh right Little Grey. Nothing why? Mer never tells me enough, this way I hear everything. Lexie is chatty, must get that from the old man."

"Keep it at nothing or wave Little Sloan goodbye… Mer's threat not mine!"

"Big Sloan..."

Mark's voice was high with outrage, as he stared around at the room full of his colleagues.

"And I don't know what your smirking about...When do you leave? Tanya says its soon..."

"Tomorrow, Seven am flight I'll land in Seattle at ten… Look I have to take care of Mr Paige here, when do you finish?"

"I am finished…"

"Fancy a beer at mine while I pack?"

"Your buying, and I want dinner too." Mark swivelled round, heading for the door, and Derek found himself stopping him.

"I'm sorry you found out that way."

"Yeah, you should be. I'm about to call Nancy!" Mark left the room with a wave of his hand, and Derek turned to the nearest nurse, and advised her to turn off his cell phone.

The next morning Derek stopped at his hotel long enough to grab a shower, and to change his clothes before he had a cab called to take him to the hospital. Last night he had remembered to email Richard with the change of plans, before Mark had started to pour more alcohol than Derek had consumed in years down his throat. Now, with the remainder of the hangover mixing with the nerves settling in his stomach as he stared up at the glass fronted building, Derek thought he might end up copying Mark's example from last night, and throw up the small amount of food he had ate on the plane. The bleep of his cell distracted him from the embarrassing need to find something to throw up in, and ignoring his numerous missed calls, and voicemails Derek read the text message with a slow smile.

 _ **Where are you?"**_

Instead of responding Derek pulled up the email Richard's secretary had sent, and followed the directions to the surgical wing of the hospital, taking in every difference that stood out, setting it apart from the hospital he had left last night. A faintly familiar voice stopped him just as he stepped towards the main nurses station to ask for Meredith to be paged.

"Derek? Derek Shepherd…?"

Derek swung around at the use of his name.

"Oh my god, hi!"

"Lexie, hey."

Derek greeted Meredith's sister as he was drew into an enthusiastic hug. The last time he had seen Lexie was at the party his parents had thrown for Meredith when she had graduated from Dartmouth, weeks before she had moved here. He remembered little from that night. After he had argued with Rebecca, and realised Meredith was set on avoiding him, he had spent the night getting drunk with Mark.

It was the familiar feeling of being watched that had Derek drawing back from Lexie, his gaze drifting over her right shoulder to centre on the one person he had come all this way for. He watched the way the green eyes softened, and her lips lifted in a smile, matching the one he knew was plastered across his own face as she began to close the short distance between them.

"Hey, you made it."

"I did."

 _ **PLEASE REVIEW**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**A Huge Thank You as always to all of you who reviewed the last chapter, and apologies for the lateness of this one. I have no excuse except for RL has seriously got in the way of being able to spend time writing this past week.**_

 ** _Now a few different people asked about Flashback's to the affair, so it seems easier to say here, there will be some in future chapters, I just didn't want to weigh down the start of the story with them._**

 _ **So please ignore any glaring mistakes, and Read, Enjoy, and PLEASE REVIEW!**_

 _ **Home Is Where The Heart Is**_

 _ **Part Two**_

There was no need for Meredith to look at her sister, to know Lexie was staring at them both with a look of confusion, and was waiting for some kind of explanation for Derek's unexpected arrival. One of them needed to say something, anything to break the silence that had fallen, however all Meredith felt capable of was to keep staring up at the man stood in front of her.

The smile on Derek's face told her he was content to do the same, it was the smile he seemed to save solely for her, and all she wanted was just for a minute longer to stay here, right now with Derek. To forget Lexie, to forget everything, and just have this, because Meredith knew the instant this moment ended, it would be back to reality. A reality where their past was as complicated as the future that lay ahead of them, now he was here in Seattle.

There was so much to do before they could have the start she wanted for them. Just as much as Derek had said he did, Meredith wanted everything out in the open, no sneaking around, no more lies, or having to hide how she felt. To reach that point though, Meredith knew would mean hurting someone who had done nothing to deserve the way he had been treated. Right from the start Josh had been a support, a source of comfort, whilst unbeknownst to him she had been trying, and failing to get over another man. This would break his heart, she was going to break his heart she knew that, and hated herself for it.

Now more than ever Meredith wished she had stuck to her first instinct when Josh had first asked for more commitment from her, and ended it then, because he deserved better than any of this. He deserved someone who could love him, and Meredith knew she never could, despite how much she had tried too.

That was the crucial difference between the two men, she loved Derek, she always had, it wasn't a choice, or something she had to work at, it was just there, and if the past two years had proved anything it was that she probably always would.

"Mer, I can't believe you never said anything! Does this mean there is a big Neuro case coming in? It must be something, if they have flown you out, will you need an Intern?"

Meredith tore her eyes from Derek, and tried to remember at least one of the explanations for why she hadn't mentioned his arrival that she had spent last night in the on-call room coming up with.

"She couldn't. I swore her to secrecy, Richard wanted it that way."

Derek stepped in seamlessly, and came to her rescue.

"And sorry to disappoint you, but there's no big case. I am wanted for a consult, but that's not why I flew out here, I came to sign my contract."

"You're moving to Seattle?"

"I am,"

Derek nodded, and when Lexie threw another glance at a still silent Meredith, he decided to divert her attention.

"And, if your interested I'm pretty sure Mark will probably end up following me. He never does well..."

"You told him? You told him what we talked about?"

Lexie cut Derek off, and swung around to stare accusingly at Meredith. All talk of Derek's move forgotten, and Meredith could happily kiss him for what he had just done. It was a lot easier to deal with an indignant Lexie, than a curious one. It was a move she had seen him pull with his own sisters countless times over the years, but never had she appreciated the skill till now.

"I never told him that your heart lives..."

"Meredith!"

"I'm just saying, I didn't tell him that! I only told him to make sure Mark knew you were off limits."

"Well, actually you threatened to remove a certain piece of his anatomy, one Mark is very attached too."

"God you're so embarrassing."

"Your my little sister Lexie, this is what big sisters do."

"They humiliate them?"

"No, they protect them."

Everything Meredith knew about how to be a sister she had learnt from Nancy, Kate, Lizzie, and Amelia. From years of watching how they treated each other, and how they treated her, Meredith had learnt that being a sister meant you protected each other, and you were there even if they didn't know they needed you. You cared enough to try even when it wasn't wanted. It had taken her years to fully understand it, but one of the biggest lessons had been, how it didn't matter if you were in the middle of the biggest fight, if they were hurt, or threatened in anyway, then you would walk through fire to help them, and they would ultimately do the same for you.

However, until Lexie had started here they had never really had the chance to share this type of relationship. They didn't have a shared history, years of fights, and laughter to reminisce over, and sometimes Meredith felt that they had only become real sisters since Lexie had returned from Harvard. It wasn't that she hadn't loved her before, Lexie had been the only appealing thing about coming to Seattle during the enforced visits, but there had never been enough time to really get to know each other. Three weeks a summer, and visits at Thanksgiving where Meredith would spend most of the time avoiding Thatcher hadn't left a lot of time for sisterly bonding. It had only begun to change once Lexie had started college, and had started to visit New York on her own, but even then before any progress could be made, it was time for her to leave again.

"I don't need protecting, and telling someone to stay away from me is embarrassing!"

"Mark didn't think it was, he was more offended I called it 'Little Sloan'. He even offered to send me photographic evidence to prove how wrong I was! Like I don't already know the size, shape and angle it bends..."

"You, and Mark?" Lexie asked horrified, and this time Meredith did laugh.

"No, of course not! I heard all about it from..."

Meredith came to a stop as she glanced quickly towards Derek who was looking queasy.

"Please don't go any further!"

"If it makes you feel better Liz never has either, we made a pact!"

"It doesn't!"

"I think it became like a right of passage..."

"Mer, please."

"Right...Anyway, Lexie what I did is in no way embarrassing. I grew up with the masters of how to make your siblings lives hell. Believe me, what I did is nothing compared to what I've witnessed! I could tell you stories that would make you get down on your knees, and beg me to tell any more man-whores who come in your vicinity to stay away from you!"

"For the second time Lexie if you haven't realised, your sister is alluding to my own charming sisters."

"How do you know I wasn't talking about you too?"

"Well firstly I haven't slept with Mark, secondly, and most importantly we both know I am, and have always been your favourite Shepherd!"

There was a wink, and a smug smile full of innuendo that thankfully escaped Lexie's notice completely, but not Meredith's.

"Do you remember Duke?"

"My dog?"

"Yeah, he was always my favourite Shepherd!"

"Liar! He used to hump your leg, and you cried for like a week when he stole that ratty teddy you used to sleep with. When Dad finally found it, half buried you said you would never forgive him."

Derek laughed, dodging the slap Meredith aimed at him as he turned back to a now smiling Lexie.

"Honestly Mark didn't give it a second thought, but Mer was right to do it..."

"For the last time, I don't like him."

"See that look? Right there. Take note as her future boss Derek, because that is what Alexandra Caroline Grey looks like when she lying."

"I hate you."

"You love me!"

Meredith laughed, and Derek couldn't help but note just how much had altered since he had seen them together last. It was a lot more like watching Meredith with his own family, she was open with her affection, where as before it had always seemed no matter how obviously fond of Lexie she was there was always something holding her back.

Perhaps it was the time spent together since Lexie had started her internship, or it was something similar to what his father had said. Away from his family, the only real family she had known it had left Meredith no choice, but to form new ties, ones that weren't so interwoven with him, and their history.

"So, I have to go to Richard's office, fancy playing tour guide?" Derek suggested edging round closer to Meredith.

"Lexie I'll see you later."

Meredith managed as with a hand to her back Derek was already propelling her away towards the elevators.

"You know we don't actually need to use these?"

"I know. Patricia sent me a very detailed map, but out there I can't do this..." Derek murmured pulling her closer to him once the doors had closed behind them.

"What are you doing?" Meredith demanded with a laugh as he reached past her, and pressed the emergency stop button.

"I'm saying hello," Derek said, and bent his head to press his lips to hers. "Hello."

Over before it had began, Derek resisted the temptation to forget all his good intentions, and kiss her how his whole body screamed out to. Instead, he took a deep breath as he reluctantly put space between them, and pressed the red button to get the elevator moving again.

"I … You can't do that here."

"Are there camera's?" Derek asked raising his eyes to the ceiling. "I hope not, otherwise future plans of mine are in serious trouble."

"No, but somehow the nurses know everything anyway. I am not becoming fodder for the gossips in this hospital Derek, not for you, or anyone. So inside this building no hello's, got it?"

"So you're saying I am not allowed to say hello?"

"You can say hello, just as long as it doesn't involve physical contact."

"What kind of physical contact are we talking? For example, is this okay?" Derek asked, bumping her shoulder with his, forcing a smile to her lips.

"Yes,"

"What about this?"

Derek moved behind her, his body flush against hers as his head bent to her neck, his lips hovering millimetres from her skin. The lavender scented conditioner she had been using for years filling his senses. He heard the small sigh she gave almost in defeat when her body began to relax against him, her neck arching to give him more access as his hands came down to rest on her hips, anchoring her to him.

Interruption came in the form of the elevator coming to a stop, the doors sliding open causing Meredith to jump away from him as a petite Asian woman stepped on to the elevator. She looked between them with the beginnings of a frown, that quickly morphed into a wide grin. Her brown eyes looked him over from head to toe with a quick assessing gaze, that would have left Derek feeling decidedly unsettled if Mark hadn't already described Meredith's best friend to perfection.

"Look at you getting McDreamied in elevators, whilst I'm trying to prevent your Interns from killing people...Where's your sister? I swear she's the only one out of the whole bunch with any sense."

"I just saw her, and I am not getting…"

Meredith stopped as she looked between the two.

"Oh Derek this is Cristina Yang, Christina this is Derek."

Derek only had a chance to say a brief hello before Meredith was talking again.

"And McDreamy?"

"No…?"

Derek with absolutely no idea what they were talking about suddenly felt as if he was on exhibition in a zoo, both women were now staring at him, Meredith's expression now matching Cristina's.

"Yes..."

Meredith emitted unable to deny her best friends very accurate appraisal of the man stood on the other side of her. Yet, if she knew Cristina at all, there was definitely a hint of sarcasm in her words, as there was with most things. As the elevator came to a stop again, Meredith gave a push to Derek's back.

"Your stop."

"Your not coming?" Derek asked following her instruction regardless, as he squeezed past the people waiting to get on.

"You have a map, and I have interns to babysit."

"Lunch?"

He suggested, and watched Meredith glance back at the other women who was now leaning against the back wall of the elevator.

"Okay,"

"And, what about the second hello?" Derek teased as the door began to shut.

"Definitely not allowed!"

Meredith called before going to the back, her voice lowering to a hiss to make sure she wasn't overheard by the other occupants.

"Don't look at me like that. Nothing happened."

"So he wasn't sniffing you?"

"He wasn't sniffing…He was…. breathing me in."

Meredith fell back on the description Derek had used when she like Cristina had accused him of sniffing her, what seemed like forever ago.

"Like that's any better… It's creepy."

"It's not creepy."

"Deny it all you want, but it is. So sniffing aside, how good is he? I mean he looks like he'd be good..."

"No."

"Better than Josh?"

"Cristina..."

"I knew it." Cristina's laugh echoed behind her as she walked off the elevator the instant the doors opened again, and Meredith could do nothing, but follow.

The map Richard's assistant had emailed him was just as good as Derek had told Meredith, and he had no trouble in finding his way to his office. However, what delayed him from making his presence known was the view from the walk way looking out over Seattle. There was nothing like this back East to compare it too, and as Derek stared beyond the city limits he felt a certainty settle in his stomach. All nerves from earlier had disappeared the moment Meredith had smiled at him, but this feeling was different. He didn't know how, but he knew this was where he was meant to be, where they were meant to be, both him, and Meredith. There would be no going back to New York no matter what difficulties were thrown in their path, his mother had been right, home was where ever Meredith was.

"There you are, I thought you had stood me up."

Derek turned away from the absorbing view to greet his old mentor who had appeared through the door he had originally been heading for. He matched Richard Webber's wide smile, holding out his hand for the older man to grasp.

"It's good to see you Shep!"

"It's good to see you too Richard. This place is not what I was expecting..."

"Well you would have known that sooner, if you had taken up just one of my many offers to come out here, and take a look… Lets get the contracts out the way then how about a tour, show you what you really have been missing? I can introduce you to a few people too."

Richard hadn't waited for an answer, before he was leading Derek back the way he had just came, and within ten minutes Derek was signing his name to paper without one ounce of regret. The following tour pretty much covered the whole surgical wing, and he met most of the surgeons who would one day make up his department, including the current Head he would be working under. Despite how interested he was, most of it had seemed to pass by in a blur. Instead, of remembering names, faces, or the rooms Richard had shown him, he had been too busy trying to imagine how the different places, and people had fitted in to Meredith's life here.

There was so many questions he had wanted to ask, but he doubted Richard would be any help with the day to day life of one of his residents. Nevertheless, it seemed his old mentor has sensed at least some of his detachment as he brought the tour to a close in a gallery above an empty O.R.

Whilst Derek took a minute to study the room beneath them, Richard took a seat on one of the chairs. Silence fell until Derek leaning back against the glass, waited for what was to come. He had known Richard for far too long, to expect him to just accept him asking for the job he had been offered, and refused countless times before without some kind of explanation from him.

"You realise Bartlett is more than a little pissed that I've stole you from underneath him. Especially, after I explained it was you who had come to me."

Derek was well aware how much of a blow it had been to his old Chief of Surgery when he had announced his resignation, Mark hadn't been exaggerating yesterday when he had called him Bartlett's 'Golden Boy'. Everything thrown at him to keep him there, from a pay rise, to a new office, to increased funding for the department, but there had been nothing that could compete with what Seattle had.

"Did you tell him I had no choice, but to come to you? You haven't offered me anything to lure me out in a few years now Richard, I can't believe you gave up."

"Hearing the same old excuse about being genetically designed to hate anywhere apart from Manhattan, got boring very fast."

"Well I have to tell you my feelings were a little hurt, I had begun to think you had found someone better."

"There is no-one better, it's the only reason I was able to find room in my damn budget for you, and your two million dollars a year hands. So are you going to tell me what did change your mind?"

"Ferryboats, you never told me Seattle has them. I have a thing for Ferryboats." Pushing himself away off the glass Derek crossed the short distance, and sat down.

"Funny Shep... Was it the divorce? I was sorry to hear about that."

"No, it was a long time coming. I just needed a change."

"You just needed a change?"

"Well yeah, and Meredith is here too so I thought why not give my old mentor what he has always wanted."

"Meredith, Meredith Grey?"

Derek nodded as Richard shifted in his seat, twisting around to stare at him with a puzzled expression.

"Surgical Resident here. Blondish, about five foot six, bossy, very bossy in fact, and..."

"I know who Meredith Grey is, Derek. What I didn't know was that you knew who she was."

It wasn't posed as a question, but Derek could see Richard expected some kind of explanation.

"My parent's took over as her legal guardians when her mother died. Although they considered her their daughter long before then. Mer's the apple of my dad's eye, has been ever since my sister Lizzie first brought her home."

"Then it was your Dad I saw a few months ago, I thought he seemed familiar, I just couldn't place him…"

"Most likely, they come out as often as they can. Before Mer none of us have ever lived more than a few hours in a car away, so you can imagine how much they worry."

"I can't believe it..." Richard shook his head "So you must have known Ellis?"

"I did, though not well. We saw less of her than Mer did which you can imagine wasn't a lot. I never realised you knew Ellis Grey, I mean more than knowing of her."

"We did our residency together here… She's the spitting image of her mother, it was like seeing a ghost that first day."

"Be careful the last person who told Meredith that had a piece of toast thrown in his face on Christmas morning."

Richard let out a deep chuckle before his face grew serious

"Do you know why she never went to Thatcher after Ellis passed? I always just assumed..."

Richard trailed off leaving whatever he was planning to say unfinished, and for a moment Derek couldn't help but feel there was something more going on here. It wasn't something he could put a finger on, or readily explain, it was just something about how Richard's expression, and voice seemed to change with each mention of Ellis.

"Not really… All I do know is Meredith wanted to stay as much as my parents wanted her too, so the lawyers hashed it out with Thatcher's to make it happen."

Derek did know why Meredith had chosen to stay with his parents, he would never forget the heartbroken fifteen year old he had found at the docks, but that was between them. It would stay private, as had every moment they had spent together there, it wasn't meant to be shared with Richard, or anyone else.

"So you grew up like brother, and sister that's nice... I'm glad, she deserved a family."

"Meredith isn't my sister."

The rebuttal was out of his mouth before Derek could soften the harshness of it, and he watched the older man's eyes narrow.

"You want to tell me now why your really here Shep?"

"I told you why. I needed a change. Look Richard I could have gone anywhere we both know that, I chose here because of our relationship, and because I have friends here."

Before he had even rang Richard, Derek had looked around at other options available to him in case Richard hadn't been able to find room for him. A part of him had even debated whether it would be better for Meredith if he was at another hospital. Not only because of Josh, but because to add to all their other complications he would be her boss. The last thing he would want would be for people to assume that he might favour her for any other reason than the skill he was sure she possessed.

"I suppose you know this friend of yours is in a relationship with one of my most promising Cardio fellows?"

"I do…"

"That's it, that's all your going to say?"

Derek knew there was a line between talking to your old mentor, and talking to the Chief of Surgery. It was one thing for an old friend of Ellis's to be interested in what happened to her only child, but when that man was also Meredith's boss it changed everything. Meredith had already mentioned the gossip mill here, and though he didn't think Richard was exactly a part of that scene, it would only take one slip up for things to change.

"That's all there is to say."

"You are a bad liar, you always have been."

"There is nothing to tell."

"Don't make me regret this Derek, I do not want my hospital turned upside down."

"It won't be."

"Good. Now, how about we grab lunch? If it looks like I'm in a meeting it might stop anyone approaching,"

"I can't. I said I would have Meredith paged when we had finished here."

"Well come back to my office now, then I'll get Patricia to hunt her down for you."

To Derek's disappointment there was to be no lunch with Meredith, and if it hadn't have been for her text message he would have ended up sitting alone waiting for her to answer Patricia's page. One of her patients had had to go back down to surgery so instead of the cafeteria Derek hunted out another gallery, this time above the O.R she was in.

"See Tinkerbelle wishes do come true."

Was the first thing Derek heard when spotting an empty seat near the front he made his way down to find Cristina, and a blonde woman with their lunches balanced on their laps.

"Cristina..."

The blonde mouthed before she transformed her face into a wide welcoming smile, and aimed it fully at Derek.

"I'm Izzie Stevens, Meredith's room-mate. Derek Shepherd right? Carolyn, and Michael's son."

Derek remembering the phone call from yesterday smiled at the mention of his father.

"Izzie, right yeah Meredith has mentioned you, and so have my parents. It's nice to finally meet you."

"So is it true your going to be working here? I can't believe Mer never said anything,"

"Maybe because you were too busy making inappropriate comments about..."

"You knew? Of course you knew...Typical!"

Izzie butted in with a swift glance in Derek's direction, and for the sake of not wanting Meredith's house mate to feel too embarrassed to ever speak to him again he played along that he knew nothing. It wasn't hard to do, not when he was getting his first real sight of seeing Meredith in an O.R.

Stood on the opposite side of the table to her attending, her whole focus on the body open before her Derek was suddenly struck by how long those two years had been, and just how much had changed. No longer was Meredith the eager med student sitting in a gallery just like this one in New York to watch him operate whenever she got the chance. Nor was she the same woman he had stayed up all night with helping her cram before finals, and using every possible distraction he could to tear her away from the books, and in to bed. This was Meredith, a second year resident, and now more than ever he felt every day of those twenty-four months he hadn't been a part of her life.

For an instant he felt lost, uncharacteristically unsure of himself until she looked up as if sensing his presence, her eyes searching the gallery until they rested on him. The surgical mask hid most of her face from him, but that didn't matter when those eyes that he had seen shine, and darken with every emotion lit up now with happiness at the sight of him. The grin that lifted his lips in response was automatic, and she returned his wink with an arch of an eyebrow before her attention returned to the patient.

"So you must have loads of stories about Mer growing up." Izzie drew him back, and with a short laugh he shook his head.

"None I'd be stupid enough to tell."

"I like a man with a healthy fear of the women in his life."

Cristina piped in, but Izzie ignored her as she waved a hand containing a potato chip out in front of him in Meredith's direction.

"Oh come on! You can't be scared of Meredith, she's tiny..."

"She may be tiny with ineffectual fists, but Meredith grew up with my four sisters, she learnt psychological warfare from the best."

"What about if I tell you one first..? I know she never told your parents about the bomb, she point blanked refused to let us call anyone, how much is that worth?"

"The bomb? What bomb?"

"Shut up."

Cristina seeing the look on Derek's face could see the minefield Izzie was stepping into, and dragging Meredith along with her. With her elbow as the nearest, and most effective weapon she nudged the blonde sharply in the ribs.

"Ow Cristina."

"Shut up!"

Cristina hissed the second time, and Izzie shrugged backing down in the face of the fierce glare from the brown eyes.

"It was nothing… Not exciting at all… So no story sharing, Mark was the same, Mer has you guys well trained."

"Was she hurt?"

Derek demanded, not missing the helpless look Izzie sent Christina, and it was Meredith's best friend who answered.

"She was fine."

Though he believed her, and felt the immediate relief of knowing Meredith hadn't been hurt so far from home without any of them knowing Derek felt the unrest from minutes earlier settle over him again. His fathers words from just a day ago repeated over, and over in his head joining in with his own new insights.

Michael was right, though Derek had known every day that had passed he had never considered it in the sense of how much had changed for Meredith until he was here now. Meredith had had a whole life for two years that he barely knew anything of, and Derek had missed it all. In his absence there had been bridges built with her sister, new friends she classed as family who had stories he played no part in, and would only ever know second hand. He could now see exactly what his father had meant about not expecting everything to be the same as it always had been.

However, he wasn't jealous of her new friends, he was glad she had found them, because if it was one thing Meredith deserved, it was to know she belonged, and was loved. What he was envious of, was the time they had had with her, how they had been here to watch her grow, to be there when she needed someone. They had witnessed everything he had missed, and there was no one to blame but himself. It was him who had driven Meredith from New York, and it was his own stupidity that had let so much time pass before coming to his senses.

A tap to his shoulder brought his head up, only then did Derek realise he had missed the rest of the procedure, and Izzie was now stood nervously in front of him.

"Would you mind not mentioning to Mer about the bomb thing, I mean I know your technically my boss so I shouldn't really be asking you to lie, but if you could that would be great."

Derek nodded absently in response to Izzie, and saw the scrutinising look sent to him by Cristina as he rose to his feet. He wasn't sure of the question she was silently asking, but he nodded in reply anyway before he trailed after them.

With the help of a friendly red headed nurse he found his way to the scrub room where Meredith was still stood at the sink, and Derek waited till she was alone before entering. She turned instantly at the sound of the door opening, her face alight with the surgical high he had told her about, and she had never quite believed in.

"I'm glad you found me,"

What he wanted to do when she smiled at him like that was to surge forward, take her in to his arms, and kiss the smile from her lips. Today, more than ever he wanted to reassure himself of her presence, however remembering the rules she had laid down earlier he settled for taking hold of her still damp hand. He ran a thumb over her knuckles, when she returned the pressure.

"Me too..."

"Sorry about lunch."

"I will happily skip lunch any time to watch you, you were great."

"I barely did a thing."

Meredith laughed, and Derek tugged on her hand to pull her just an inch or two closer..

"Doesn't matter."

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked when he fell silent, there was something hidden beneath his smile, and raising a hand she touched his cheek, felt his weight as he leaned into the simple touch

"Still slightly hungover, I think last night with Mark is catching up with me."

"Why don't you go back to mine, I'm off at six so we will still have time to grab something to eat."

Meredith was sure he wasn't being completely honest with her, she just didn't know why. A horrible niggling thought that signing the contract might have brought forward the magnitude of what he had done started to rebound around her brain, killing her surgical high almost instantly.

"I'd like that. I'll go back to the hotel, then meet you at yours."

"Derek there is no need for a hotel. Mom, Dad, and Mark all stayed at mine, you can too till you find something more permanent."

Leaning in Derek brushed her cheek with a feather light kiss.

"I can't. If we are going to do this right, do it properly this time then I can't, but thank you."

His words should have been enough to quash her fear, but she only had to glance at the blue eyes to see the distraction there.

"Sure? My couch is very comfy?"

"Absolutely. I won't be there for long, I'll get on to a realtor tomorrow."

"Okay. So I'll see you later then?"

"You will."

Derek assured pressing a kiss to her forehead this time, and it was only when the door had closed behind him that Meredith realised they had broken the one rule she had set earlier in the elevator. The problem was touching him, being touched by him came all too naturally even after all this time apart, yet Meredith knew it couldn't continue inside the hospital walls especially not when Josh returned.

It was a lot closer to eight when she finally parked her car in the driveway of what had been the only house she had shared with both Ellis, and Thatcher. The fact Izzie had managed to leave on time had meant Meredith hadn't been too worried about Derek, until she found him sat out on the old porch swing.

"Hey is no one home? You should have rang, there's a spare key hidden about somewhere from when George lived here."

He looked at her for a moment as if she had woken him from a trance, before he shook it off, and gestured to the empty coffee mug that was by his feet.

"Izzie is."

"Then why didn't you wait inside, in the warm."

Meredith said pointedly as she pulled her jacket tighter around herself, only to be pulled down on to his lap, his arms coming around her surrounding her instead with his warmth.

"She talks a lot."

Derek said in to the back of her hair, nuzzling his face closer.

"She thinks your hot, and your her new boss so she's probably nervous… Plus non nervous Izzie talks a lot anyway, your going to have to get used to it."

"So why aren't you more nervous, I know you think I'm hot."

"Every time it threatens to overcome me I remember pre hair product Derek, and the whole band geek thing… I'm soon cured."

"Ouch! Well we can't all be the cool teenage rebel can we?"

Meredith turned on his lap so she was sat sideways, with a finger she traced the small scar on his forehead caused by the motorbike crash when he had first started Med School.

"You did try to play the rebel."

"Hmm, and that ended well."

Meredith's dainty fingers continued to trace his forehead as if she was trying to stroke away the tension she could see in his face despite the charming façade he was trying to cover it with.

"Are you sure about not staying here,"

"I am… I can't live with you, and not touch you Mer, or hide how I feel around your room mates. This way we'll always have somewhere to go, and just be us. We're taking it slow remember."

"So your not regretting this?"

"What? No!"

"It's just earlier you seemed a little off, and I … … I thought maybe after you signed the contract, it sunk in, and you might have wondered if this was worth it, cos this is a lot Derek."

"No Mer no. You are worth this, we are... It's just I missed you..."

"You'd only just seen me."

"No, I mean I missed you. I've missed knowing you, I want to know you..."

His head tilted, an almost shy smile spreading across his face, much like the one he had worn at their spot at the docks when he had told her he loved her.

"You do know me. There isn't anything you don't know about the whole dark, and twisty history of Meredith Grey, you know me better than just about anyone else,"

Meredith slid off his lap, but didn't move far away. She sat next to him on the swing, and took his hand, lacing their fingers together.

"Where has all this come from?"

"In New York I didn't see it because it was home, you were finally home, and you just slipped effortlessly right back into the family… I was so set on making you see how I felt, making this right that none of this crossed my mind,".

Derek turned so he was facing her, his hand automatically reaching across to brush the hair back from her face.

"Then watching you today, seeing you here I realised how much I have missed, your not the same Meredith who left New York…"

"What does that mean?"

"It means I want to know you again, I want to us to know each other. I want to be a part of this life you have with these people... I don't ever want to be someone you leave behind again."

"So you want to know Seattle Meredith? You really do want to start over…?"

"Yes…" Derek punctuated the word with a kiss, and just when he would have deepened it Meredith showing more self control than him pulled away.

"I can do that."

"Yeah?"

"Yes,"

"So can you start by telling me about the bomb?"

Derek asked, and before he had a chance to stop her she was on the move, grabbing for her keys from her bag.

"I will kill Izzie."

 _ **PLEASE REVIEW**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**As always a MASSIVE THANK YOU to all of you who took the time to review the last chapter!**_

 _ **I have lagged behind in getting this up again, I'm not loosing interest don't worry, it is just RL getting in the way. However, we should be back on track now for weekly posts rather than the 10 days I've hit.**_

 _ **Okay this chapter has been the biggest pain to update on to this site so I'm too scared to do a final read through in case it crashes on me with an error message again, so please if there are any mistakes or what not go easy on me.**_

 _ **So all I ask is you Read, Enjoy and PLEASE REVIEW.**_

 _ **Remedy**_

Derek was well aware he was attracting attention, and had been since he had first entered the hospital this morning. There had been glances, and whispered conversations in the elevator, and he was certain if Seattle Grace was in anyway like New York-Presbyterian then the gossip mill was already running at full speed, as it did for every prominent new arrival. His personal file no doubt held no secrets now, neither he guessed did his connection to Meredith, and he was sure there was probably at least a dozen rumours floating about to explain his sudden move across country.

However, Derek hadn't come into work for his first shift early, or made sure he was first through the door when the coffee shop across the street had opened ten minutes ago to be so easily put off. For as much as he hated being the centre of a gossip storm, what he hated more was that he hadn't seen, or spoken to Meredith in over twenty-four hours. It was why with coffee's in hand he had stationed himself outside the resident's lounge.

The mistake he had made yesterday had been allowing his frustration with his sisters persistent calls to get the better of him. In a fit of annoyance he had turned his cell off, chucking it without a second thought into the glove compartment of the rental car he had leased that morning. The loss of the near hourly calls had only aided him in getting completely engrossed with what he, and the realtor had stumbled across, with the rest of the world forgotten.

On a whim Derek had agreed to check out a property much further away from the hospital than he originally wanted, and it was on the drive over he had spotted a for sale sign on the side of the road. His interest piqued, he had pulled over, and the very second he had stepped further on to the land he had felt that same instinctual certainty he had the first time he had crossed the walk way of Seattle Grace. In that single moment he was done looking, he didn't care what the price was, all he known was this was where he was meant to be. The ground beneath his feet had felt like the first solid foundation of the life he wanted here in Seattle, the life he wanted to share with Meredith.

It was only when he had returned to the hotel later that evening with a head full of plans, he had remembered his cell phone, and the call he was expecting from Meredith when she was ready to leave. There had been missed texts from Meredith dotted throughout the day inquiring how the house hunt was going, but the most important message mixed amongst the easily ignorable voice-mail's from his sisters was the one that brought his evening down around his ears. It was simple, and to the point, and told him Josh was back, and had come to meet her to take her out to dinner. She hadn't said he shouldn't come over, but Derek hadn't been deaf to the tension in her voice to know his presence would only complicate matters further. So, instead of taking Meredith to show her exactly how he had spent his last day as a free man, he had checked out of the hotel, and spent his first night in an Air-stream trailer alone.

When the door to the lounge finally opened, Derek took an eager step forward only to step back again in disappointment when Izzie Stevens emerged instead. Izzie, the very same person who he had inadvertently dropped in it with Meredith on Monday night. The subsequent fallout had started out as amusing, Derek had always enjoyed being a spectator to one of Meredith's rants rather than the person on the receiving end, however the entertainment hadn't lasted long.

In the middle of Meredith berating Izzie for handing him a weapon of blackmail on a plate, Derek's gloating chuckle which had earned him glares from both women, seemed also to set Izzie off on a defensive attack. In the attempt to defend herself, and the slip up she had made in the O.R gallery she had revealed details of that day that had made his blood run cold. The chair falling back as he had jerked up from the kitchen table had brought Meredith's attention back to him, and before he had had chance to open his mouth she had ushered him upstairs away from prying ears.

Once there whilst he had paced the small space, and with only the minimal amount of prompting Meredith had given him the full story, and as he had demanded holding nothing back. When she had come to the end Derek hadn't known whether to kiss her to remind himself that she had in fact survived, or to release all the fear it had filled him with in a row about what could have possibly gone through her head to even put herself in that position in the first place.

However, before he could settle on which option to take, Meredith with one further confession had left him dumbstruck with one fatal swipe. To be told so calmly how the whole time her hand hand had been on that bomb she had been trying to remember the last time they had kissed, had made his legs weak beneath him, and he had lurched back as if she had physically punched him in the stomach. With shaky legs, and tears burning his eyes he had crossed the room and crushed her to him, unable for probably the first time in his life to find any words.

"Dr Stevens."

Derek shook of the chilling memory to greet Meredith's house-mate, but her only response was a glare. Cristina Yang who was following closely behind the blonde saw his look of confusion, and paused in the doorway.

"Barbie holds grudges, she's a bitter Barbie that way… Is one of them for me?"

It wasn't, but having already obviously pissed off one of Meredith's friends Derek thought it beneficial to at least make an effort, especially when Cristina was the only other person in the hospital who knew what was going on between him, and Meredith.

"Sure."

"Thank you."

Cristina took the cup with a smirk, a smirk that told him she had understood exactly what he had just been thinking, and enjoyed the power it gave her.

"Your welcome."

When the door opened once more a second later Derek felt his chest tighten as Meredith emerged, the urge to lean forward, and kiss her almost undeniable. He stopped himself in time, and instead settled for holding out the coffee to her.

"Good Morning."

Meredith wasn't surprised to find him waiting right outside the lounge for her, if she was honest she had been more amazed when she hadn't been accosted by him in the car park first thing this morning. She had no choice but to accept the coffee he pushed into her hands, and as she looked him over she found herself on the receiving end of one of his more charming smiles. It was one she knew well, it caused the skin around his eyes to wrinkle, and always made him look more a mischievous boy than a grown man of thirty-seven. This wasn't the Derek she had been expecting especially after the news she had left on his voice-mail last night.

"You're very cheerful."

"It's my first day, I'm allowed to be cheerful."

"Well thank you for the coffee." Meredith said noticing for the first time this wasn't something he had grabbed on his way through the hospital.

"Your welcome,"

Derek murmured falling into step with her, earning himself another smile when he bumped her shoulder.

"And see I remembered the rule."

"I'm impressed."

"Well I am impressive."

"So you like to think."

"I remember you always thought so too." Derek bent to whisper in her ear, laughing as she choked on the coffee, which earned him a sharp dig in the ribs.

"So where were you all day yesterday? I tried to call."

"I know, I'm sorry I turned my phone off,"

"Have you actually spoken to them?"

Meredith asked, not needing him to explain any further why he had done what he did. Since he had arrived Monday morning, just two days ago she had spoken to Nancy and Kate more times than she had in the whole month previously. So far they seemed to see her as an innocent bystander, but Meredith wasn't sure how long it would be before they decided she was a co-conspirator in their brothers quest to avoid them.

"I've spoken to Liz, and Amy."

"Liz, and Amy are not who I was on about."

"Does texts count?"

When Meredith shook her head he sighed.

"Then no. You?"

"Yes, because someone has too. Yesterday Nancy tore in to you for your irresponsibility, your lack of impulse control, and the obvious career suicide you have committed. Kate, on the other hand thinks this may be an early mid life crisis, like a delayed response to your divorce."

"Ah not much different to the voice-mail's they leave me then. You do know there is only one reason I came here don't you?"

"I do."

"Good, then nothing else matters."

"Derek that doesn't mean you can keep avoiding them. The longer this goes on, the worse it's going to get, they will want blood, your blood not mine. Just be a big boy, and tear the band aid off, and get it over with. Otherwise one of them will get it in their head to fly out here, and that is not what you want."

"Okay Mom,"

"Take that back."

"Make me."

"Such a child,"

Meredith shook her head with a laugh, more aware now of the people around them as they reached the nurses station where her Interns were waiting. With a wave of her hand she signalled for the four to follow behind, before turning back to Derek.

"So how did yesterday go?"

"Well as of last night I am no longer living in the hotel."

"You found somewhere in one day?"

"I did. The actual sale is obviously not finalised, but the current owner has no problem with me being there."

"That was quick!"

"I know what I want. I saw it, and knew I had to have it. It's very Seattle. So what did you do yesterday?"

"I was actually with Dr Nelson. He wanted to talk all about the cowboy from New York who the Chief has flown in to take the job he thought was his. Just like with Nancy when she ripped you to shreds, I found myself agreeing with him too."

Derek took her arm, moving her with him to the side so they were able to drop behind her four interns.

"You missed me."

"No."

"I missed you too. I just got caught up in wanting to get everything sorted, and then I got your message about Josh, and thought it was better I didn't come over..."

"Yeah it was awkward."

Though she had known Josh was due back yesterday, she had been trying so hard not to think about it, or what lay ahead that when he had turned up at the hospital last night, she had been genuinely shocked to see him. She had gathered her wits just about enough to remember to call Derek before she left, but not enough to find a credible excuse to avoid the dinner for two he had planned.

"I had to try and explain you were here, which wasn't easy when the last he had heard from Rob was that we were still fighting, and then..."

"Did you?"

"I couldn't … Everyone was there when I got home. I will, I want too, it just never seems the right time, and don't tell me there isn't a right time, I know that its just… its hard."

"Okay."

"Really, it's okay to not be you know, I don't expect you to be a completely different person here Derek, and the Derek I'm used to wouldn't be okay."

Derek stopped, and glanced around them to make sure there was no one close enough to overhear.

"Remember I have no moral high ground here Mer… I want to be with you, but I don't want to push this with us, or push you when your not ready. It may be hard to believe, but I have learnt from my mistakes."

"Just so you know I haven't … Not since we arrived in New York. I couldn't, I can't..."

For a moment she thought he hadn't understood what she was trying so hard to say without actually having to say it. This wasn't even something she had ever wanted to bring up within the four walls of the hospital, but she needed him to know especially now Josh was here in Seattle too.

"Oh…"

When the pleased smile began to replace the look of confusion he had worn Meredith knew he had understood, and in a very Derek way obviously saw it as some kind of compliment. For her all she knew was that it seemed like a betrayal almost to both men if she had slept with Josh after Derek had confessed his feelings for her. Last night she knew Josh had been expecting to stay over, she had seen no way to let him down gently until Cristina had arrived, and Meredith had latched on to her best friends presence. It had worked so well without rousing too much suspicion in him because of how common it was for Cristina to crash there, and more than once in that past Josh had found his place taken in her bed with Meredith unwilling to kick her friend out.

"Stop looking so smug!"

"Sorry,"

"Seriously stop!" Meredith repeated when the smile showed no sign of disappearing even when she slapped at the arm closest to her to drive the point home.

"I'm trying too."

"Why are you hitting him? Actually I don't care just keep away from the hands, I'm his intern today, and I need a good surgery after being stuck on scut for two days."

Neither of them had noticed Lexie's approach, and Derek used the distraction to move himself out of arms reach as Meredith continued to glare at him.

"Thanks for the concern Little Grey."

"Well Little Grey is certainly better than Three..." Lexie said with a smile, "So if you're doing the whole nickname thing, does that mean you've accepted being labelled Dr McDreamy?"

"McDreamy? Who on earth..."

Derek started only to come to as stop as he remembered what he had thought was just an insignificant comment in passing between two best friends. It only took one glance at Meredith to tell him he was correct, and he sighed in frustration.

"How could you?"

"I didn't do anything. It was Cristina."

"You agreed to it. Don't deny it, I heard you in the elevator."

"I'm sure it won't catch on."

"Well…."

Meredith shot her sister a look, but Lexie either chose to ignore the very clear meaning behind it, or saw this as some kind of payback for the teasing over Mark.

"All the nurses know, and apparently you've earned a little bit of a following already… Your very dreamy apparently."

"All the nurses know?"

"I'm sure Lexie is exaggerating."

"I'm not."

"Well just think of how proud Mark would be. It's your first day, and you have a fan club."

"Fix it."

"I cant…"

"Hand on a bomb."

"You wouldn't?"

"That would distract Nancy. She would forget me in a flash, and would be on the phone with Mom before you had chance to even think of anything that would come close to a justifiable excuse for landing me with that nickname."

"Derek Christopher Shepherd if you dare then I will..."

"Give it up Mer, you have nothing."

"I'll tell Mom it was you and Mark that teapeed the house that Halloween, stamping all over her roses in the process, because you were drunk off the scotch you stole from the Sloan's."

"Hand on a bomb."

"I'll call Nancy myself, and tell her it was you who smashed that crystal vase not Weiss, and that it happened when instead of house sitting you let Mark throw that party."

"Hand on a bomb..."

There gazes locked in a silent war before Meredith stepped forward, put her hand on his chest, and whispered into his ear.

"I will never do that trick with my tongue, ever again."

She stepped back with a smug smirk all of her own, and knowing the debate Derek was currently having with himself about how serious she was Meredith raised an eyebrow, daring him to test her.

"Fine. Will you at least try to talk to Cristina?"

"I will."

"What? What did she say?"

Lexie demanded, but before either of them could make up anything up Meredith felt an arm drop around her shoulders, and her whole body froze as Josh leaned in, and kissed her cheek before he turned his attention to Derek.

"Hey Derek good to see you. I couldn't believe it when Mer told me you had moved out here too, if you need any help settling in just let me know."

Derek had no choice but to shake the hand held out to him, nor did he have any control over the wave of pity he felt wash over him when he watched the younger man look at Meredith with his whole heart right there for everyone to see. If he knew one thing, it was what it felt like to love Meredith Grey, to have her, and feel that wholeness only to watch her slip through your fingers, and that was what unbeknown to Josh was in his future. All the same, no matter how much he sympathized with the man for what was to come, it didn't make watching him with Meredith any easier.

"Thanks. I should get going, Little Grey I'll page you once I've changed, and we can see what we can find to entertain you."

"Little Grey?"

Josh repeated with an obvious note of questioning in his voice, and Meredith had to tear her eyes from watching Derek disappear down the hallway to answer.

"It's what Mark calls Lexie, I think Derek has decided to use it here too, which does make sense when people constantly get confused."

"It's certainly better than 'Three' or 'Other Grey' or worse when you hear 'I wanted the good Grey'."

"Has anyone told him the nurses already have a nickname for him?"

"He does, and he hates it."

"Well it's not just the nurses that are singing his praises, ever since I came in this morning Tom, Matt, and David the Neuro fellows haven't talked about anything else. They went nuts when I said I'd already met him back East, I never knew he was such a big deal..."

"You didn't…? Derek, and Mark are like two of the top upcoming surgeons in the country. Derek is known for taking these impossible cases, and I mean Mark is already the go to guy for plastics on the East Coast."

"Mark again?"

Meredith teased her half-sister in payback for earlier when she had revealed Derek's nickname, something she had hoped when she had realised how far it had spread yesterday would just slip right past him.

"Oh I hate you."

"What's this?" Josh asked looking between the two women as Meredith continued to laugh.

"It's nothing, just a sister thing. So I have to go, my interns are waiting...Josh can we maybe go for a drink at Joe's tonight, or something?"

"Sure. I'll wait for you in the lobby. Does this mean you aren't free for lunch?"

"I'm with Hahn, so no probably not."

Lexie was just about to follow Meredith's example when Josh stopped her with a gentle touch to

the arm.

"Mer she seems okay right? I mean has she been okay since she got back?"

Josh had always thought of Lexie, as a lighter, more open version of Meredith, and along with Izzie she was always the most welcoming of the group to him. When they had first met a few months ago he had not long learnt about her existence until Meredith had pulled the car over to take a call from her. He had always assumed, and never been told differently that Meredith's family lived back East like his own. There had been no mention whatsoever that Seattle was actually home to a whole other side of Meredith's family, and he had only become more confused when Lexie rather than Meredith had tried to explain how the 'your dad isn't my dad' theory of Meredith's actually worked.

"Why wouldn't she be?"

"This is between us right?"

"Of course."

"New York, and meeting the Shepherd's it didn't go how I thought it would. I was worried I would come back, and she would be just as distant… Do you think it could it was just the family stuff like she said?"

"Probably Mer hadn't been home in a while, and she said so herself when I asked how it went how much she had missed everyone. And, you know, she's my sister, and even I don't know what's going on inside her head half the time. She hasn't said anything to me, and since Derek arrived she has seemed really happy."

"Yeah I haven't seen her smile like that in a while."

"Well there you go. Maybe it's what she needed, Derek being here is just like a piece of home!"

"So you think I've been worried about nothing?"

"I do." Lexie nodded, and she was pleased to see when Josh's much more familiar grin was back in place.

"Thanks Lexie. I'll catch you later."

Derek had barely had time to change into the new navy scrubs, before he was paged to the pit for an incoming trauma, and stepping on to the elevator to go meet Lexie he found one of the two people he had to blame for his new title. Sadly it wasn't the member of the guilty party he would most like to take a ride in an elevator with.

"So I'm told its you I have to thank for my new nickname."

"Do you hate it?"

"Yes."

"Good. I would think less of you if you didn't. It's the hair and the..."

Cristina tapered off waving a hand in his general direction.

"And unknown to everyone else its got a heavy hint of irony, what with the whole cheating on your wife thing, and driving Meredith to move across the country."

"Right. Well thanks for that. I suppose there is nothing I can say to make you put a stop to it, or at least come up with something less embarrassing?"

"Nope."

Silence reigned for a few seconds before he saw Cristina shift out of the corner of his eye, and with her arms crossed over her chest turned to look at him.

"Can I ask you something?"

"You can, though I'm surprised your asking for my permission."

"Are you sticking around? Or is this just some ploy to boost your ego, and prove she hasn't moved on from the great Derek Shepherd?"

Derek couldn't really be offended by her tone, or her question, not when he had a slightly less frank version of this conversion with his own Father only a few days ago. However, where as his Father had expected an answer Cristina obviously didn't as she continued to talk.

"I stayed with her last night, she used me as an excuse for Josh not to stay. Don't get me wrong I don't like Josh, he's boring, he's an ass kisser, a mediocre surgeon at best, and god knows what Mer sees in him, but he does love her, and he would never hurt her how we both know you did."

Derek was all too aware he had no right to tell her none of this was any of her business, he hadn't grown up in a house full of woman, and not learnt how female relationships worked. This was Cristina's business, because like he had realised Monday she was one of those people who had been here for Meredith when he hadn't, more so than any of the others as she was the only one Meredith had trusted to tell everything to.

"I love her, and I won't hurt her again. Look you don't have to believe me, but I only came here to be with her. I haven't pushed her to do anything she doesn't want too, I'm a lot of things, but I'm not that guy."

"You better not be. Since I met her, Mer she has lived at an eight you know, on any given day its an eight, and who can blame her with all the Thatcher issues, and the dead Mommy issues, and the mess you caused…"

"I know. You don't have to tell me that, I know okay?"

Derek interrupted, for a moment Cristina simply stared at him before giving him a sharp nod.

"Good."

"So we're okay? Your not going to be like Izzie, and glare every time you see me?"

"Do you care?"

"Me personally, no. But, you are her best friend, Mer doesn't let people close that easily, I don't want her to feel as if there is a choice to make. So when it comes to how it would effect Meredith, then yeah I care."

"You don't need to worry about Izzie, after a while you'll realise when she's like this is the only time she's semi normal."

With that she stepped off the elevator, and Derek decided that could only mean they were fine, or as fine as they would ever be. Cristina Yang wasn't someone he would pick for a friend, and he could see why Mark had described her as scary, but whilst she was a part of Meredith's life then he had no choice, but to learn how to get along with her. For the next few hours he kept an eye out for Meredith to no avail, and to his surprise it was her who came in search of him when he was waiting for the results of an MRI. She came with the offer of lunch, and ignoring her protests Derek led her to the walkway.

"We could have eaten in the cafeteria." Meredith joined him leaning back against the railing, accepting half of the sandwich he had grabbed from one of the machines.

"We could, but that would mean sharing your attention with everyone else, and I wanted to ask you something?"

"I'm listening..."

"Will you come, and see my new place tonight?"

There was a slight edge of nerves to his voice, and Meredith hated that she was about to disappoint him, but she had no other choice, this the way it was wasn't fair to any of them especially Josh.

"I would, but I have to talk to Josh…"

"Are you sure?"

"Don't you want me to?"

"Meredith you know what I want, I just don't want you to feel as if I have pushed you in to anything. If you want time, take it."

Meredith's eyes narrowed and Derek sighed,

"I don't like it okay. I hate even the idea of him touching you, but this is your life, I can't come here, and expect you to change everything."

"You sound so much like Dad when you talk like that...How about you come to mine, and wait for me, I may need a Tequila partner."

"Will it earn me another Seattle story?" Derek asked not wanting her to see how happy he was that she had asked him to be there for her.

"Maybe, but only if you can keep up with me."

She wasn't sure if she would be in the right mood to share a story from the past two years, but it was what they had agreed to when he had finally found the words to talk after she had told him everything about the day of the bomb. She had had no power to refuse him anything, after seeing the utter devastation on his face when she had told him about the one thing she had obsessed over when she thought she was going to die, but to give herself a little control she had issued two conditions. The first was for every Seattle story he had to share a New York one, and ultimately she had veto power.

"That's not fair I haven't done a Tequila binge since..."

Derek trailed off as green clashed with blue, and Meredith finished his sentence for him.

"Our first kiss."

"Mm hmm yep."

"Oh…"

Meredith flushed, it didn't matter how drunk she had been it still stood out in her memory in crystal clear clarity. It had been the night everything had changed between them, the turning point that had started them both on the course that had lead them to where they were today. Derek had arrived at her apartment unexpectedly, but in what had started to become a familiar routine of his after another row with Rebecca, with a bottle of Tequila in hand to replace the one they had drunk together only a few days previously. It had been when they reached nearly the half way point of the bottle when she had decided she needed to eat if they were to continue, and he had followed her into her tiny kitchen. She could still remember the exact moment Derek had suddenly stopped in his teasing of her cooking skills, and whilst she had still been laughing he had lent towards her, and kissed her before pulling away, a look of shock on his face as if he couldn't believe what he had just done. Just as she knew now, Meredith had known then that that was when she should have moved away, broke the moment somehow, and pretended it had never happened. Instead of doing what she knew was the right thing, she had acted on instinct alone, on the feelings that had been there for so many years, and grabbed hold of his sweater to pull him back to her.

Their mouths had crashed together hot, and hard, with none of the hesitancy from before. He had crowded her against the counter, his hands cupping her face holding her there so she had no option of pulling away even if she had wanted too. It was her who had initiated the deepening of the kiss, and he had moaned when she had thrust her tongue in to his mouth wanting to shut the voices in her head up with the pure pleasure of the experience of Derek. Instead of thinking how wrong this was she had concentrated on the feel of his hips grinding against hers, the touch of his hand slipping down her back to her ass, clutching at her, dragging her even closer to him before the need to breathe had beaten them both.

"Well there will not be a repeat of that."

Meredith tore her gaze from his, unable to ignore the darkening of the blue that told her he had been reliving every moment of that night just as she was.

"No? What about what we did after on that ratty old couch you got from Mark."

"Definitely not!"

"That's a pity."

Derek teased swiping his tongue across his bottom lip, and watching Meredith track the movement with hunger flaring in her eyes, before with a wink he changed the subject completely.

"So for my story tonight I want to know about you, and Cristina?"

"You mean how she became my person?"

"Your person?"

"Yeah, you know the person you would call to help you drag a dead body across the room…You would call Mark,"

"Or you…"

"Yeah, before I would have called you."

"Now?"

Meredith could see she had stung him with her choice of words, and quickly tried to explain what she had meant.

"Now I have Cristina. I couldn't call you because you would worry too much about me, you would be all about me, and not the actual task of getting the job done. Cristina she would get it done, she would shout at me to keep it together, and I would because she's my person. She would worry later, but only once everything else was taken care of."

"Ah I see. Yeah now I definitely want to know how you became friends."

"Okay, and you'll talk to your sisters before I get back. I have three missed calls already today."

"I'm actually thinking of getting a new number." Derek took a large bite of his sandwich, and Meredith sighed.

"Then you better get me one too whist your at it."

Derek nodded grinning, dropping his hand down to rest over hers on the barrier.

"That's the spirit… Just think of us as the modern day Bonnie, and Clyde."

"Weren't they killed…?"

"I doubt Nancy, and Kate will go that far, well Kate wouldn't, but you never can tell with Nancy."

Meredith finished the last of her sandwich before checking the time.

"I have to get back to Hahn the bloods she wanted will be back, but please for me talk to them!"

"For you I will seriously think about it."

Meredith could see Josh waiting for her in the lobby, his blonde head bent over what she assumed was a new journal, and hesitated in taking the final few stairs down towards him. Instead, she found her eyes returning back to him, and for a second she tried to imagine what the future would have looked like if their trip home had gone differently, or whether it really didn't matter if it was now, or five more years down the line they would have always come to this.

"What are you doing? Are you planning on throwing yourself down the steps? Has one day with McDreamy, and the Cardio hog in the same hospital drove you to this."

Meredith jumped at the sound of Cristina's voice, and clutched onto the bannister to stop herself tumbling down the stairs.

"I'm going to break up with Josh."

"Yeah you said that last night,"

"No I mean now, as in go to Joe's and do it."

"Your doing it at Joe's?"

"Is that not a good idea? Derek's sister always used to say if you break up with a guy in public it prevents them making too much of a scene, and Derek is no help."

"You asked him to help?"

"He's the only other person I've dumped. It's usually just consists of me saying I'm taking a shower, and you wont be here when I get back, and its over with."

"Your a surgeon Mer, think like one, it's one clean cut, and its done."

"I don't feel like a surgeon, I feel like I'm about to drown a puppy, I am putting him in a sack, and chucking him in the river."

"Josh is the runt of the litter, it's like natural selection, or survival of the fittest. It's being cruel to be kind. I'll do it for you if you want, I bet he's a crier."

"Don't I feel bad enough…"

"Opps too late to run, he's spotted you. And look he's all happy, I bet he's thinking tonight is his lucky night, when really he's about to get his heart ripped out, and dropped on to the floor with the peanut shells. Isn't love grand!"

Ignoring her Meredith took a deep breath, and finally took the last few stairs. For a moment she felt affection for him rock through her as he looked up, and his face broke into a wide smile at the sight of her. Her courage once again began to falter until she thought of Derek waiting back at home for her, and reminded herself Josh did deserve better than this.

"Hey you okay you look a little pale?"

"Yeah yeah I'm fine. Ready to go?"

His hand took hold of hers, and Meredith tried to respond in the right places as they crossed the road, and headed into Joe's. He left her to find a booth whilst he got the drinks from the bar, and Meredith had to fight the urge to bolt as she sat rigid in her seat. The instant her drink touched the table she grabbed at it, and took a long gulp.

"Josh I wanted to talk… I mean we, we need to talk,"

"That sounds ominous..."

Josh watched panic flare in the Meredith's green eyes, and he suddenly realised what he had avoided in New York was happening to him right now. The noise of Joe's, all the other patrons seemed to disappear leaving just the two of them, as it began to sink in she was ending it, or rather she was trying to build up the will too.

"Mer are you ending this? Is this why we're here, you want to break up?"

"I have too. I should never had let it get so far. I'm so sorry…" Meredith got out in a rush, but Josh only shook his head.

"I don't want you to be sorry I just want to know why?"

"You deserve more, you deserve better. I wanted to, I really wanted to. But..."

"Wanted to what Mer? Love me…?"

There was anger seeping in to his voice now, and Meredith hated herself for being the cause of the hurt she could see dimming the usually laughing brown eyes.

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry Josh."

"Stop saying fucking sorry,"

Meredith reached out for his hand only for him to snatch it away as if her fingers had burnt him.

"I am such a fucking idiot. I need to go."

"Josh wait..."

"For what? Do you want to tell me we could be friends? That its you, and not me cos by the sound of it is all me. I cant, I can't even look at you, I have to go."

Meredith stood, and watched him barge through the crowd trying to keep track of him until he became swallowed up in the mass of bodies by the bar. Her first instinct was to find a stool at the bar, but she knew she couldn't stay here not when she was pretty sure half the hospital had just figured out what she had done.

Meredith remembered little of the drive home, but when she stopped in to the hall way, and saw Derek sat on the couch, a bottle of Tequila and two glasses sat on the coffee table in front of him she let out a heavy sigh.

"You okay?"

"No."

"Drink?"

"Please..."

Meredith dropped her coat, and bag onto the floor in a heap before she sunk down onto the cushion beside him. Her head dropped on to his shoulder, feeling his free arm going around her as he filled the two glasses. It was a scene so familiar, and one she had longed for over the last two years, and needed more than ever tonight. She had had Cristina to drink with, to dance it out with, but nothing had been the same as having this, as knowing Derek was there to hold her, to catch her when life just seemed too hard as he had done for so many years before.

"Thank you."

Derek understood she wasn't talking about the drink he had just handed her as he turned, and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Most people he knew would find it a little strange to comfort the woman you loved because she had just broken up with her boyfriend, but this, being here for her felt more natural than anything else he could think of.

"You don't ever have to thank me Mer."

 ** _PLEASE REVIEW_**


	8. Chapter 8

_**As always I start this with a HUGE THANK YOU for the reviews, when real life gets in the way as it has again this week, it's the reviews that encourage me to find the time to write, and push on.**_

 _ **So all I ask is you Read, Enjoy, and PLEASE Review**_

 _ **Take Me Home**_

The slam of a door somewhere above her woke Meredith with a start, and for a few confused seconds she had no idea why she was on the couch, or how she had become trapped in what felt like a straight jacket made up completely of Derek's limbs. Unable to move she had little choice, but to stare bleary-eyed around the living room trying to push through the fog of sleep, and the headache beginning to kick into life behind her eyes to make some sense of it all. The biggest clue to how she had gotten in her current state came in the shape of an empty Tequila bottle on its side under the coffee table, and with sudden urgency Meredith checked both her, and Derek were in fact fully dressed, and they hadn't taken the same road a whole bottle of Tequila had lead them down the last time. The relief of finding herself still clothed only lasted until the actual events of last night started to come back. Slowly, and with increasing clarity Meredith relived the horror of the short time with Josh, and it was enough for her to close her eyes with a groan of protest.

If being awake would have to mean facing it all, then in spite of the aching of her cramped limbs, and the need to pee, Meredith decided she would much rather be asleep. She didn't want to think about Josh, or the fact that in a few hours she would have to face not only him, but the gossips at work too. Instead, she wanted to stay here, to be lulled back to sleep by the comfort Derek's nearness offered, and pretend for a little while longer that nothing outside of the two of them existed. However, other people did exist, and it was only when her body began to relax again into Derek's hold, Meredith remembered the noise that had awoken her in the first place, and the existence of the houses two other occupants.

"Derek… Derek! I need to get up."

After minutes of futile struggling, and Derek still showing no signs of waking despite the jostling, Meredith remembered his less than gentle waking Christmas morning. With an effort that left her breathless Meredith managed to twist her body around so they were facing, and pinched his nose. She watched in a mixture of amusement, and satisfaction as his blue eyes snapped open, his whole body lurching up in response, all whilst he seemed to struggle to find his bearings much the same as she had on waking.

"What… Mer! What the fuck was that..?"

He demanded, holding her offending hand a safe distance away from his face, as he stared at her as if she had gone crazy.

"I was trying to wake you up. I was inspired by your technique on Christmas morning."

Meredith informed him, all whilst taking advantage of his loosened grip to make a final bid for freedom.

"I didn't lay a finger on you, and that is definitely not how you wake someone after they spent the night on the most uncomfortable couch they have ever slept on, all because you got them too drunk to move."

"I didn't hear any complaints from you at the time,"

Derek made a grab for her, ignoring Meredith's protests as he dragged her back down on top of him, ruining any progress she had made in de-tangling their bodies.

"And, your not now!"

Derek said leaning up to brush her lips with his.

"I want to be the one you chose to drink with, and the _only_ person you sleep with. I just wish that having a spring digging in to my hip all night, hadn't come as part of the deal. What time is it anyway?"

"Half five." Meredith managed to free an arm to show him her watch "And, I have to get ready for work."

"Stay. Just five more minutes?"

"We can't … Room-mates, remember?"

"You know what I like best about my new place...? _I_ don't have room-mates."

"Is that your attempt at a subtle hint?"

"I'm too tired to be subtle. Come, and stay tonight Mer? Just us, I'll even make dinner."

"You'll cook, with no expectations of me helping?"

"Meredith I want my kitchen to still be functional, so no I won't ask you to help."

"So you have a kitchen, but do you have a spare bedroom?"

"No…"

"I am not sharing your bed."

"You say that now."

"Derek."

"Meredith." He imitated, ruining his teasing grin with a huge yawn. "I'm asking nicely, please will you come tonight?"

Just like yesterday there was the same almost vulnerable nervousness in his voice when he had asked the first time. Not only did it work to pique her curiosity once more about what could have enthralled him to actually buy somewhere on one viewing, but it also made him near impossible to say no to for the second time.

"Okay, but this better be good Shepherd."

"I'm always good, or have you forgotten?"

"What I had forgotten is how full of it you can be. If it's possible I think you've even managed to get worse."

"You haven't been around to keep me in line, you left me to be corrupted by Mark."

"Were you?"

Derek knew full well what Meredith was asking, and how loaded those two simple words were. He waited to make sure she was looking at him before he shook his head.

"No."

"I wouldn't have minded. You said yesterday that you have no moral high ground, but you're forgetting neither do I."

"Mer no, you deserved better! You had every right to try, and move on, and to be happy. I didn't. I made the mess, I treated both you, and Rebecca badly, and I deserved to live with the consequences of my actions… I was a selfish coward."

"God I bet you were an ass to be around."

She hadn't meant to say it out loud, but Derek's tired eyes lit with humour, and he surprised them both with a shout of laughter.

"Mark did admit to wanting to kick my ass a few times."

"It would have probably done you some good. I bet you lashed out at everyone, withdrew into your work, and sulked like a bear with a sore head."

"Did no one come telling tales then?"

"Mom, and Dad never. The girls tried, Mark did too, but…"

Meredith trailed off, and Derek nodded in understanding.

"You wanted to forget me, not have to think about how I was feeling."

Derek finished for her, and with a nod from her he sighed.

"I think now, it's what I needed. You doing what you did made me realise all that I had lost, to truly appreciate what we had had, and what you really meant to me. As miserable as I have been, it got me here didn't it?"

"On a crappy couch with springs that dig into your hip?"

"And with you."

He stole a kiss from her lips before he brought them both up, swinging his legs round to the floor, leaving Meredith perched on his lap.

"Now, if you expect me to be up please tell me you can at least offer me a hot shower, and some pain killers?"

"Bathroom cabinet, second shelf down. A hot shower is more hit, and miss especially if Izzie has gotten in there first."

"In that case we should share. We can keep each other warm, and save water?"

"Not happening."

"Your no fun Grey."

"Now who has the short memory!"

"Let's be clear I remember every moment."

Standing up with a groan as he stretched out the kinks in his neck, and back Derek reached out a hand, and pulled her to her feet.

"I need to get my bag from the car."

"You packed an overnight bag?"

"I knew how last night would end."

"You were always such a good Boy Scout,"

"Hmm, maybe that's why I keep condoms in my wallet,"

"No that's because you have spent way too much time with Mark."

Meredith threw back behind her, but before she could get far Derek stopped her exit with a touch of his hand to her elbow

"Mer you're okay aren't you?"

Meredith knew he wasn't asking about their respective hangovers, or the protests her lower back was making every time she moved.

"I think so."

"No regrets?"

"Many, but not about ending it."

"I wish I could make it better,"

"You are,"

Leaning up she pressed a kiss to the corner of his lips, then taking hold of his hand she pulled him to the hall way with a push in the direction of the front door. She stood still in place, watching him as he unlocked the door, and made a dash to his car.

"You're up then… I was just going to give you a shout."

Meredith looked up with a start to see Alex at the top of the stairs stood watching her, and forcing her lips in to what she hoped was a natural smile she headed towards him.

"No need, we're alive."

"You okay? You're not going to hurl are you cos you don't look too alive..."

"No, no I'm good… I just need a shower, and as much caffeine as possible."

"Sure?"

He asked again when she reached the landing, and Meredith stopped the ' _I'm fine_ ' that was about to fall off her tongue.

"I broke up with Josh."

"Yeah I heard. Some of the Nurses were there at Joe's, saw him walk out, and put two, and two together. But you're okay? Well not okay seen as you, and Shepherd seemed on a mission to drink the house dry last night, but you're Grey okay?"

"Yeah."

"Well you can't force yourself to love someone, right?"

There was no malice, or judgement in his voice, and it only reminded Meredith that Alex had always seemed to understand her in a way not even Cristina could. He had always reminded her of herself, or what she, or even Mark would have become if the Shepherd's hadn't been there to take them in. It had only taken one conversation over a year ago, away from everyone else to kick start the friendship, and seemingly innate understanding of each other into life.

On her first Thanksgiving here, Alex had seemed to understand her when she wasn't sure she had even understood herself. She hadn't meant to confide in Alex, or anyone that day, but she had felt like he had been the one person to understand what it felt like to be so utterly miserable, that you thought you might infect the normal happy people. Although, they had both been hiding from Izzie, and her huge Thanksgiving dinner, they had been doing so for very different reasons. Where as Alex was avoiding Izzie because he didn't want to tell her he had failed his boards, Meredith's reasons had been much simpler.

The arrival of the Holiday Season had seemed to bring with it a fresh wave of homesickness, and a longing for Derek that had left her feeling too raw to be able to hide it with any hope of success. Izzie who had been on a mission to push her towards Josh had ignored Meredith's pleas not to, and had invited an eager Josh to share their dinner. It had had meant her original plan to sleep, and then drink the day away was out the window, and Meredith had seen no other way out than to volunteer to work. However, work hadn't been the sanctuary she had expected when she had become involved in a Neuro case with a PVS patient. The following arguments with the Neuro attending on call had done nothing, but remind her of Derek, and long for his presence. Even though in the end she had won the battle it had left her much more open to Alex than she would have usually been. Although she hadn't told him about Derek, she had told him enough for him to never fully buy in to her relationship with Josh.

"Alex…?"

"Look at it this way, least you tried right, and you didn't screw it up like I did. You broke it off before any real damage was done."

"I hope so, and thank you for not telling the others."

"It's cool Mer, I told you I wouldn't say anything. You can go get ready, I'll tell Shepherd the bathroom is free so he can jump in before Iz, then she won't know who to be pissed at."

Thankfully the shower had not only worked in making Meredith feel more alive, but also eased the stiffness that her left her feeling decades older than her thirty-two years. However, stood leaning against the counter waiting for the much needed coffee to brew, and the pain killers to kick in Meredith couldn't help but wish she did a normal job where it was much more acceptable to call in sick.

"So Derek ended up staying then?"

Meredith looked up as Izzie strolled in to the kitchen all ready for work. There was a faint memory of her returning at some point last night possibly before Alex, but already far past the point where her, and Derek were capable of making any sense to anyone, but each other.

"Yeah."

There was a sudden urge to defend the decision that she hadn't felt with Alex, with talk of too drunk to call taxis, and what was the point in Derek leaving when he had work in a matter of hours anyway. Meredith fought it with determination knowing it was her own feelings of guilt that was the problem, and Izzie was making nothing more than a passing remark. She had to remind herself more than once that they had done nothing wrong, and Derek had been sleeping over after nights like last night back East long before he had started sharing her bed. It was just the same as when Mark had done the so only a few months ago, and no-one, not even Josh had raised an eyebrow at that.

"You should have joined us,"

Meredith said instead, and with her head bent over her bag Izzie laughed.

"And suffer along with you this morning, no thank you. So was there a reason for the party for two last night, or was this just a belated welcome to Seattle?"

"Iz it's not that unusual for me to get drunk."

"No it wasn't when we first moved in, but you haven't done it in a long time, not since before you got serious with Josh anyway. I thought you were past all that..?"

"You know what Derek's good at? He's good at being there. If you have a crappy day, and you just want to drink it away Derek he's that guy that will drink with you just to stop you drinking alone, you don't have to talk, there is no judgement, you just drink… And, last night I needed to drink."

"Oh Mer what have you done?"

"I broke up with Josh."

"Why?"

"It just… It was the best thing to do."

"No Mer he's perfect for you, and we worked so hard on getting you ready for a relationship, and now you just dump him?"

"There was no getting me ready, I was right to be hesitant, it just didn't work."

"Why what changed…? It was working fine before you left for New York."

"Nothing changed Iz that was the problem. I tried, and I tried, because believe me I know what a great guy Josh is, but it was just never there."

"You didn't tell him that did you.."

Izzie started, but the only answer she needed was written all over Meredith's face.

"Oh Mer you didn't."

"I didn't need to. He figured it out… Look can we not do this, I don't need to dissect this to death, it's done, and I know you think I'm a crappy person who is making the biggest mistake of her life, but just can we not go there, at least whilst I am still hungover?"

"Sure."

"What's going on?"

Alex appeared pulling on his jacket, and Izzie nodded towards Meredith.

"Mer dumped Josh."

"Yeah she said. Good for her I say." Alex said, and seeming to forget what they had just agreed upon, Izzie started again.

"No, Josh was perfect, I mean how many guys do we meet who get the job we do, the ridiculous hours we work, and he never minded any of Mer's quirks."

" _Quirks_?" Meredith, and Alex both repeated together, and Izzie shrugged

"You know..."

"No Iz do tell?" Meredith encouraged half in amusement as she watched Izzie squirm.

"What do you want Izzie to tell?"

Derek appeared in the kitchen, pulling his jumper over his head.

"Izzie here is about to tell us about my quirks?" Meredith replied fetching him the bowls, and cereal she knew he would want, and placing them on the table before returning to the coffee that was finally ready.

"Your quirks? It's a bit early for us to delve in to dark, and twisty Meredith isn't it?"

Derek took the mug of coffee she held out to him, and smiled.

"Thank you."

"Dark, and Twisty? Seriously! Oh my god that is perfect."

"And how twisty are you Mer?"

Alex teased, and ignoring the both of them Meredith clicked the lid onto her travel mug.

"We have to go."

Alex, and Izzie left the kitchen, but before she could follow Derek stopped her, pushing the kitchen door shut with his foot he pulled her in to the circle of his arms.

"I personally love dark, and twisty, especially the twisty."

"There will be no twisting of your sort in the near future, so whatever ideas you have in your dirty brain about tonight, forget them."

"Not forgotten, put on the back burner. I'm not sure I am in a fit state to do anything acrobatic in the near future anyway, my back is killing me."

Leaning up on tip toes, resting her free hand on his chest Meredith kissed him, it was soft, unhurried, and just when she could feel it changing in to something more she pulled away.

"What did I do to deserve that?"

"Slept on a crappy couch for me. Thank you."

"Your welcome. You better go, I'll see you later?"

"You will. Oh, and make sure the door locks behind you."

An argument that had started about Alex hogging the bathroom in the car, lasted all the way to the hospital, and unwilling to play referee Meredith crossed the lobby ahead of them, and concentrated instead on willing the caffeine to kick in. So successful was she at tuning her two room-mates out Meredith didn't hear Cristina's approach or her greeting. A touch of her hand on her arm caused her to jump, and nearly spill the coffee all down her front.

"Someone is jumpy…. And obviously hungover. Last night went well then?"

"He stormed out."

"Was he crying?"

"Was who crying?" Izzie had caught up with them by the time they reached the bank of elevators.

"McMopey."

"McMopey? I thought Derek was McDreamy?"

"Why would we be talking about McDreamy?"

"Him, and Mer got drunk together last night."

"They did huh?"

"She was on about Josh, and she is not going to repeat that name again. Its bad enough I have to listen to Derek moan because you have half the hospital calling him McDreamy."

"I'm sorry Mer it just can't be helped. Where I go, the masses follow."

There was nothing apologetic in her tone, or her grin before she turned to Izzie.

"So if you're calling Derek McDreamy does that mean all is forgiven, and your back to being annoying?"

"Derek has nothing to be forgiven for, Iz was in the wrong."

"Mer's right she should have kept her gob shut."

"Thank you Alex."

"No-one was asking Alex. And, just because I think Derek is an ass it doesn't mean I can't appreciate..."

"The ass." Cristina finished with a gleam of humour in her eyes as she looked at her best friend who had slunk to the back of the elevator.

"Shepherd will learn in no time just like everyone else has that its better to just appreciate the peace they get when you give them the silent treatment."

"That's what I told him."

"Funny. So Mer I think you should talk to Josh."

"I should?"

"No you shouldn't. If you talk to him, he's just going to say crap he doesn't mean,"

"Mer ignore Alex, go talk to him…"

"Look he got dumped by a hot chick who he was in love with, he's gonna be an ass."

"Especially when he got dumped in Joe's of all places."

"Seriously?"

"She can't help it she's a novice, she's only done it once before."

"And what did you do then?"

"She moved out here." Cristina answered for her, and when the other two laughed Meredith only scowled.

"You know Mer maybe you could explain you were just confused, and that now you have had time to think you..."

"No. Iz look I know you like him, I like him too which is why I ended it."

"But he..."

"If your about to go on again about how perfect he is then I will be the one to hurl. Do us all a favour, if you think he's so perfect then stop nagging Mer, and you date him, because it is too early for all this girl talk crap. So, she doesn't love him, that's life. He needs to move on, and get over it cos I am fed up already of hearing about it."

Meredith looked on in horror when she realised the elevator doors had opened long before Alex had finished his rant, and they weren't the only ones to appreciate it in it's entirety. Josh amongst a small group of hospital staff were stood waiting to get on the elevator, and the others turning to look back at Mer brought his attention along with everyone else's, as they fell silent. He met her gaze for a moment, and Meredith saw the same hurt she had seen last night shining there, surrounded by an anger she wasn't used too.

"Actually, I think I'll take the stairs."

"Sorry Mer,"

Alex muttered as they all moved back, but Cristina only nudged her with her elbow.

"So not so McMopey, he's more McBitter, the resentment is brewing behind that pretty face I can feel it! How wrong is it if I prefer him like this?"

"I'm glad you can find enjoyment in my misery."

"What can I say. Your a gift that just keeps giving,"

"Well if your really my best friend, you'll swap with me, and be on Cardio."

Considering the fact Cristina had been trying, and failing to get on, and stay on Hahn's service over the last few months Meredith knew it was a done deal with no persuasion needed to sweeten the pot.

"Done.. I shall enjoying working with McBitter, at least he won't be sucking up any more, and you can hide out in the E.R."

"Your a good friend."

"I am aren't I."

At this point of his shift Derek knew at any other time, or for any other person he would be regretting the sacrifice of not only a proper nights sleep, but of also spending the few short hours he did have not in an actual bed. The ache in his lower back, and stiffness in his neck that he couldn't seem to stretch out, made an afternoon of back to back surgeries that was his schedule today seem daunting, and the last thing he wanted to do. However, when the sacrifices had been made for Meredith, when it had meant he had been able to hold her, be there for her, then they seemed minimal in comparison to the lengths he would go to if she needed him too.

There had been far too many long lonely nights in New York for him to ever take for granted time spent with her again. It didn't matter to him that they were moving solely at her pace, he was understanding more with each passing day just how right his Father had been when he had said Meredith would have to turn her whole life upside down to accommodate him here. There was also enjoyment to be found in getting to know her again, reminding himself of all the little things he had always loved about her.

But, today, he was getting a sharp reminder in one of her skills he had always dreaded being on the receiving end of, and that was her mastery at avoiding people. However, he couldn't blame her, not when his arrival had been usurped from the number one gossip spot by her break up with Josh, and whatever Alex had accidentally shared this morning about her reasons for doing so. So far she had ignored all his pages, and had the cheek when he had resorted to paging her 911 to send an Intern in her place. The Intern either knew nothing of what his resident was up too, or had decided playing dumb was the safest bet, but either way had been no help.

Stood now in front of the O.R board his arm bent behind him trying again to ease the cramp in his muscles Derek was using his first break of the day to work through the list of names trying to garner some idea to where she could be hiding.

"I hope your not planning to mess with my board…?"

Derek hadn't even heard Richard approach, and turning he shared a smile of welcome with his old mentor, and new boss. This was the first time he had seen him since he signed the contracts, apart from the brief appearance Richard had made in a gallery above his O.R yesterday.

"I wasn't. I am admiring it though."

"It is a nice board isn't it. You settling in okay?"

"I am. From what I have seen so far Seattle does not disappoint."

"And the nickname?"

"I'm stuck with it apparently, and from what I know of the person who christened me with it, I am actually thankful I didn't get lumbered with something worse. I had an intern introduce themselves to me this morning with a number."

This earned a rich chuckle from Richard.

"I like the scrub cap by the way, bit different to what you usually go far."

"It was a Christmas present. It's getting it's first run out this afternoon. By the way you haven't seen Meredith have you? She's not on here, and I can't find her anywhere."

"Why, do you want to show her your new cap?"

"No, I wanted to have lunch with her."

Derek turned to find himself being scrutinised.

"What is that look for?"

"Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I did say something to you about not turning my hospital upside down didn't I?"

"I haven't done anything, I've been in surgery all morning. You can ask Mr Coleman who's frontal lobe I was in."

"Derek, you know everyone is talking, it won't be long before people make a connection between your arrival, and what's happened."

"I don't know what your talking about… And, why are you so interested anyway?"

"Ellis was a friend, and I..."

Richard started, but trailed off the moment he realised he no longer had Derek's attention. It was focused instead on the blonde woman walking towards them, and all of his own suspicions about the pair were confirmed with one look at Derek's face. It was a smile he had never seen before, and with a quick glance at Meredith he saw it was reciprocated, but not so overtly. It was a softening of the eyes, a curl of the lips that may have gone unnoticed if he hadn't once been the recipient of a similar look from her mother.

"There you are. You are a hard women to track down today. Does this mean we can grab lunch now?"

"That's what I came to tell you, I can't because I'm supervising the clinic for Bailey."

"I thought you were with Hahn?"

"I swapped with Cristina, and then…"

Meredith came to a stop as she realised the Chief was following along with their conversation.

"Hey Chief."

"Hello Meredith. Don't mind me I was just admiring Derek's scrub cap."

"Oh well they sell them in the gift shop downstairs Sir,"

Meredith said with a puzzled expression, but Derek only smirked

"I brought it from there for Christmas, Derek has had a thing for Ferry Boat's, he has done ever since we were kid's."

Richard turned to look at Derek.

"I thought that was a euphemism for something else..."

"Like what?"

Derek demanded laughter edging his voice, as the older man flushed with embarrassment.

"Never mind."

The older man said strolling off, and with the laughter fading Derek looked at Meredith, moving a fraction closer so they were within touching distance.

"So, I heard about this morning."

"About the elevator…? Yeah, I couldn't have embarrassed him any more."

"It wasn't your fault."

Derek wanted to comfort her, but he knew any overt sign of affection would be rejected, so instead he reached out, and squeezed her shoulder.

"It was why I swapped with Cristina… Plus she's been dying without Cardio."

"So that wasn't you trying to piss Josh off then."

"Oh god I didn't even think of that."

"I'm joking Mer. Look I'm clipping an aneurysm after lunch, do you fancy joining me…? We haven't had the chance to be in the O.R together yet."

"I can't, if it was anyone else I would, but it's Bailey. I'll see you later though."

"We're still on?"

"Why wouldn't we be?"

"You sent an Intern to answer your page… I thought maybe you would want to cancel?"

"I was busy, and I wanted Steve from under my feet,"

"Steve right, you know he introduced himself as Two?"

"What do you expect, he's one of Cristina's, or have you forgotten Dr McDreamy? I have to go, before they kill anyone, I'll wait at the car for you?"

"Okay. Mer…?"

"Yeah?"

Derek walked towards her, and just when she thought he was going to pass he bent his head.

"I love you."

"I know you do."

Meredith nodded with a fleeting smile before heading off back towards the bank of elevators to head back to the clinic. When one arrived just as she was approaching she hopped on, and it was too late to change her mind when she realised the only other occupant was Josh. For a few agonisingly awkward seconds no-one spoke, until with a deep breath Meredith forced herself to turn around, and face him. All morning she had been avoiding this meeting, but deep down she knew she owed him this, she owed him an apology, not just for this morning, but last night too.

"I know you don't want to hear this, but I am sorry, I'm sorry about the way I handled all of this, and I'm sorry, about earlier with Alex."

"You're right, I don't want to hear it."

Meredith turned back to look at the door, willing them to open, and to make it possible for her to escape from the man who was looking at her as if she was something who was leaving a bad taste in his mouth.

"But you can tell me if this is what Amelia meant, is this you going all dark, and damaged?"

"Dark, and twisty…"

Meredith corrected automatically, shocked that he had spoken again.

"Right. Dark, and Twisty… So is this it Mer? I've been thinking about it all night, and it feels like I have been here before. Every time I get close, or touch on something you don't want to talk about, like I did in New York, you run in the opposite direction...Is this just another line of defence, or did you mean it?"

I'm..."

"Do not say sorry. Just talk to me… If you don't love me just say it. I need to hear you say the words. I am that far in this, that even after this morning I keep hoping it's just you slamming on the brakes. Even now, when I want to hate you I am still here wanting you to love me, do you know how embarrassing that is?"

And, Meredith did know because she had once felt that very same way about Derek.

"On paper you're perfect for me, I know that. You are a great guy, and..."

"Stop! I don't want to hear what a great guy I am. I don't need you to try, and make me feel better, just tell me Meredith..."

"Josh..."

Meredith could feel the tears finally falling when she raised her eyes to meet his, and she flinched inwardly at the pain she had caused him which was so clear to see.

"I don't . I wanted too, but it's just not enough. You deserve more, you deserve to be the one, someone's one…."

"Just not yours… You know what's the worst thing? Since the day I met you, I was done, and I kept thinking you just needed a little more time, that one day I would be enough, but I never had a chance did I?"

Meredith wanted to say sorry, she wanted him to believe how sorry she was, and how much she did care for him, but she knew nothing she could say now would make a difference. The one thing Josh wanted from her, was the one thing she couldn't give him.

"Well thanks Mer, your silence says it all really doesn't it?."

He was gone the moment the door's opened, and moving to the back of the elevator Meredith tried to hide her tears from the people filing on. She froze when a hand touched her arm, but relaxed immediately when she realised it was George.

"You okay? You need me to get Cristina?"

"No I'm fine."

Those three words she knew would have set off every alarm bell in Derek's head, but thankfully George took them at face value, and settled alongside her.

"He'll come around,"

"No I don't think he will George, sometimes even without meaning, or wanting to, you do too much damage to forgive."

From the very instant he had seen Meredith waiting at his car Derek had known something had drastically changed since she had approached him at the O.R board a few hours previously. She barely spoke more than a few words, completely closed in on herself, and knowing the fact she had turned up meant though she may not want to talk right now, she did want to be there, he simply stretched a hand out, and took hold of hers. Her first show of interest came when he parked the car a few minutes walk from the clearing where he had stationed the trailer, and ran around to open the passenger door for her.

"Where are we?"

"Wait, and see."

Still holding on to her hand, Derek knew she must be able to feel the clamminess of his palm, as he fought the nerves that had turned his stomach into a massive knot by concentrating on her face, watching for that first reaction when she saw his new home. By the time they stepped into the clearing his heart was pounding so hard in his chest, he was sure she must be able to hear it as she came to a sudden stop.

Derek waited in anticipation as she stared open mouthed at the trailer, then back at him as if she wasn't sure any of this was real.

"All this is mine. It's forty acres, I own forty acres of Seattle, and though I have no idea what we are going to do with it, the one thing I do know is, I want to share it with you."

"With me?"

"Not yet, I know your not ready. So, for now it can just be where we come to get away from everyone else, to be us."

"I think we need that…"

"We do. And, in the future, whenever your ready I want this to be our home. To be our fresh start."

"I can't believe you brought a trailer? You do know what your sister's will say?"

"I do, that this is my version of a flashy sports car."

"Yep. You know you were right, this is very Seattle."

Meredith reminded him of his quote from a few days ago, as she dropped his hand to walk further on ahead, staring around her as if she was still trying to drink it all in. She came to a stop, and turning back round with a wide smile she held out her hand. Derek laughed jogging to catch up with her, his heart light with joy, and excitement when she pulled him closer, and pressed a hard urgent kiss to his lips before dragging him towards the steps.

"So I remember something about you promising to feed me."

"I did say that didn't I. Come on, I'll give you a tour."

Her shift in mood lasted all through the preparation, and eating of the dinner he had promised her, but once he had cleared away the plates Derek could feel her mood crack, as she kicked off her shoes, and laid back on the double bed.

"I did tell you you would be sharing my bed."

"Yes, you did. There still won't be any sex though."

"This has never been about sex Mer…Right now it's enough to just be with you, I meant everything I have said about wanting us to know each other again, to start over, you must know that by now?"

"Derek Christopher Shepherd doesn't want sex? Whatever club you are in with Mark, I think you just renounced your membership."

"He already kicked me out when he realised I wasn't going to compete with him in bedding the female population of New York."

Derek threw back as he joined her on the bed, he didn't reach for her right away, instead he waited for her to move closer, and when her head settled above his heart he wrapped an arm around her.

"And I do know. This, all of this, what you have done, if I didn't before, I would by now. You moved across the country to be here Derek, you brought land, actual land… I don't need words with actions like that."

"Good."

Derek bent his head forward, and pressed a kiss into her hair.

"And, I know something happened today, and if you don't want to tell me about it that's fine. But, from someone who has been where he is I know whatever he has said he didn't mean it, and he's probably regretting it right about now too. It's a cliché, but just give him time."

Meredith led there listening to his heart beating away beneath her ear as she thought over what he had said, her mind repeatedly going back to the nine words which stuck out so clearly as wrong. She was tempted to just let it go, to close her eyes, and let sleep claim her so she could have just a few hours of peace. However, what he had done tonight, for her, for the future he saw for them meant it was impossible to let it go.

"You were never in the same position he was, I have never not loved you. I've never picked someone else over you Derek. It's you. I always choose you, over everyone. Even when I knew it was wrong, and would blow up in my face, I still chose you."

As she spoke Meredith had raised on to her elbow, and when he opened his mouth to speak she shook her head.

"I am terrified. I am still so scared this won't work, that I will have to somehow find the strength to leave you again, and that is why you have never been where he is, because despite that I am still here with you. He never had that, he never had me to lose, not really."

Derek nodded, there was so much he wanted to say, but Meredith laid her head back down as if she had used the last bit of energy she had, so Derek tangled his fingers into her hair, and held her to him.

"I love you."

He thought she had fallen asleep, until she spoke in a faint whisper he had to strain to her.

"I love you too."

 _ **PLEASE REVIEW**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**As always a massive Thank You to all who took the time to leave a review, I'm just glad this story is being enjoyed. I had pushed so hard to get this out earlier, but it just didn't work, and so I apologise for the wait. Its my goal to get this back to weekly, so fingers crossed RL quietens down enough to make that possible..**_

 _ **This is a filler Chapter, and I hate writing fillers, but the story needs to move on so I had no choice, it means I also apologise if this isn't the most exciting… I am still not 100% happy, but I can't hold this back any longer.**_

 _ **I'm editing this as I watch the Brexit vote results, so apology's for any glaring mistakes.**_

 _ **Anyway all I ask is you Read, Enjoy, and PLEASE REVIEW!**_

 _ **I Run To You**_

Normally, after any shift as emotionally draining as this one had been Derek would be fit for little more than to either find the nearest on-call room, or an open bar. Tonight, however was different. He needed something more than the nearest place to lay his head, or the oblivion which could be found at the bottom of a bottle of Scotch, he needed Meredith. This particular case had hit just a little too close to home, popping the bubble of happiness he had been living in for the past two days, and bringing the cruel unpredictability of the world back into sharp focus.

It had had the perfect combination of timing, similarities in ages between his patient, and Meredith, and a fear in Mr Scott's eyes Derek could all to easily understand whenever they had rested on his wife. It was a fear he had experienced himself when he had had to face the true horror of the day of the bomb. The only difference was, where as he had lived it after the actual event, Mr Scott was experiencing it all right in front of him, and Derek could only observe as his horror grew second by second. Right before they had wheeled his wife off for an emergency craniotomy when her condition had rapidly deteriorated, he had stopped Derek, and begged him to make sure she lived.

Those pleas had stuck with him all through the scrubbing in process, and when Nicola Scott's heart had stopped mid procedure Derek had barely been able to get the time of death out past his numb lips. But, that nauseating feeling of failure which had flooded his whole body had been nothing compared to witnessing the devastation when he had broken the news to her husband. Outwardly Derek had tried to stay professional, calling into practise everything he had learnt over the years, yet internally it hadn't been possible. The whole time he had sat there trying to offer some small comfort to the distraught man, Derek had found himself haunted by an insistent voice in the back of his mind repeating over, and over how easily it once could have been him who faced a tomorrow without the love of his life.

All it would have taken was just one unlucky twist of fate the day Meredith had placed her hand on the bomb, and she would have died that day unable to remember their last kiss. It didn't seem to matter how many times he told himself she had survived, or that they had already gone over every step of that day there was no distancing, or distracting himself. He couldn't move past the idea of how easily that day could have ended differently, and changed his whole future. Instead of being here to hear Meredith tell him she loved him, there would be nothing for him, but a life time of regrets about chances he had never took. How just like he felt he had failed his patient today, he would have done the same to Meredith, because unlike Mr Scott who had been there for his wife, when Meredith had needed him the most, he would have been on the other side of the country.

It was all of those emotions which drove the need to see her to an undeniable level, and caused him to forgo his usual practises to set his exhausted body one final goal. However, it was only now when he was stood in-front of Meredith's front door that Derek realised he hadn't actually thought any further ahead than getting here. Her house much like every other one in the street was in complete darkness, and a quick check of his watch told him it was a little before four, far past the time that anyone would be up to hear his knock. On impulse Derek reached out to test the handle, and with a combined mixture of surprise, relief, and dismay the door swung open for him. With no idea where the nearest light switch was located, Derek's whole focus was on reaching the staircase without bumping in to anything. It was why he nearly missed the small shaft of light showing from under the kitchen door, but with a quick change of direction Derek walked straight into a scene of what he hoped was organised chaos, with Izzie Stevens right at the centre.

"Do you guys always leave your front door unlocked at night?"

"Shit!"

Derek watched as a battered covered spoon clattered to the floor, and only Izzie's surprisingly quick reflexes saved the glass mixing bowl from the same fate. His tired chuckle quickly turned her state of shock, into one of annoyance as she glared across the room at him.

"God you scared the life out of me. What are you even doing here?"

"I had a late surgery, I couldn't manage the drive back to my place."

"Yeah, that's why the hospital has on-call rooms. Why didn't you just use one of them? You're an attending, and unlike us lowly residents you get your pick of them."

With a shrug of his shoulders Derek dropped his bag on the floor, and crossed the room to pull a bottle of water from the refrigerator. Too weary to think of an excuse that would satisfy her, and unwilling to share what had drove him here with someone he barely knew, Derek ignored the question altogether.

"You didn't say why the front door was unlocked?"

"I didn't know it was. I thought Alex had done it, he was the last one in. Is Meredith even expecting you?"

"No."

"So you have just turned up in the middle of the night looking for somewhere to sleep?"

Right up until this very instant the thought of what Meredith's room-mates might think of him turning up here hadn't crossed his mind, and for a brief second Derek floundered under the increased scrutiny. Back home no one had ever questioned the amount of time he, and Meredith had spent together, either before, or during the affair. This, having what even before the affair would have felt like natural behaviour being questioned was still new to him, and despite how annoying he found it, it was just another reminder of how long he had been out of her life. Without wanting to say something that would leave Meredith answering awkward questions in the morning, or a lie that could be thrown in his face later, Derek settled for the simple truth.

"Yes."

"Oh, right..."

If he thought his blunt honesty would have any effect on Meredith's friend, he was proved wrong when Izzie continued to stare at him.

"So then this is normal behaviour for you?"

"Do you have a problem with me being here?"

Derek countered, and looking less than convinced Izzie shook her head in denial.

"No… Anyway even if I did, this is Mer's house so it wouldn't matter."

"Right. Well then, like you said Stevens it's the middle of the night, so I'm going to go let Mer know I'm here then crash on the couch."

"Take a muffin if you want, they're delicious."

"No I'm good, thanks."

With a nod of farewell Derek collected his bag, and slowly made his way up the stairs to Meredith's bedroom. Once the door was closed behind him, as quietly as possible he removed his sweater, untucked his shirt, and kicked off his shoes, before climbing onto the bed. This was why he had sought her out, all he had wanted was a few quiet minutes away from everything that had happened tonight to reassure himself she was okay. To remember the past was just that, and they were okay, because Meredith was here, and she loved him, just as he did her.

Contrary to what he had told Izzie, Derek had no intention of waking Meredith, instead he propped himself up on his elbow, and used the light coming through the gap in the blinds to watch her. His first real smile in hours graced his lips at the emergence of a loud rumbling snore, and he was unable to resist from reaching out a hand to brush a strand of hair back from her face. Still despite what he had intended the moment his fingers touched her skin, Meredith's eyes fluttered open, her head jerking away from his hand as she blinked confusedly up at him.

"Shh, it's just me."

Derek reassured leaning over to touch her forehead with his lips.

"What time is it?"

"Just after four."

"Have you just finished?"

"Yeah. It's okay me coming over like this isn't it?"

"Yeah of course."

Meredith murmured trying to fight away the call of sleep, but she could feel herself being dragged back down as he continued to stroke her forehead.

"I would have said to before I left, but you were busy."

"So how common is it for Izzie to be up baking?"

"Whenever she can't sleep."

"Well I have to admit it's reassuring to know starvation was never an option if she's mass producing muffins out like that on a regular basis. But, please tell me the front door being unlocked was a one off?"

"I have no idea what you're on about, are you okay?"

Meredith's voice had started to slur, and Derek watched as she battled to keep up with the conversation.

"Yeah, just tired. Go back to sleep, I never meant to wake you… I'll go down onto the couch in a while,"

"No, just stay here."

"Sure?"

"Derek go to sleep,"

Meredith turned back on to her side, and felt him mould his body around her, his hand coming round to capture her own.

"Mer?"

Derek wasn't sure if she had fallen back to sleep, but a few seconds later she grunted in response

"Hmm..."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For not dying."

He whispered into the darkness, and suddenly Meredith was wide awake. All thoughts of sleep vanishing, as she rolled away from him enough to reach the bedside lamp.

"What? Where is all this coming from? Because I distinctly remember us having this converstaion last week..?"

"We did,"

"So what's changed, what happened tonight? Am I missing something here?"

"It doesn't matter, go back to sleep."

"No you can't say something like that, then tell me to go back to sleep. I'm trying, and you have to try too. If something is wrong just say it. You have to talk, because otherwise what is different to before?"

"Well the lack of sex is different..."

He tried for humour, but it failed to raise a smile, and with a shift in positions he rolled closer so there faces were nearly touching. He raised a hand to her cheek in a silent apology, before letting out a deep breath

"My patient tonight, who I was monitoring before you left, she died. Nicola Scott, about your age, and all she did was cross the street to meet her husband. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and tonight I had a front row seat as her husbands whole world fall out from beneath him. He asked me to save her, and I couldn't. I failed them, and I was trying to comfort him, but all I could think about was you, and that bomb…"

"What are you saying that she was just crossing the street, but I put my hand on a bomb?"

Meredith demanded pulling back from his touch.

"If you are then you go down onto the couch right now. That man would have died if I hadn't, and I know you well enough to know you would be the last person to leave a patient on the table to die."

"No. I understand why you did that, but don't you see he was there for her. From the moment he realised what was going on, up until she was wheeled away to the OR. He was there for her, but I wasn't, and what would I have done if you had died..."

"But I didn't die, and you cannot feel guilty for something that happened last year. It happened, it wasn't fun, but I got over it."

"You nearly died that day, and because I was such a selfish bastard I wasn't there."

"Derek … God if it will stop this guilt trip you seem hell bent on, then just know you were there. Okay?"

"What?"

"I didn't tell you this because frankly it's almost pathetic… I have told no one else this, not even Cristina. But, I was scared, desperate for a pee, and I was convinced we were all going to die..."

"Meredith."

"Right. Dylan the bomb guy who died, he was kind of an ass, and we didn't like each other all that much so he told me to pretend he was someone I liked. So I did, I pretended he was you, I was able to move my hand, to remove the bomb because I convinced myself you were there telling me it was okay, and I could do it."

"Oh god Mer…"

Derek rolled onto his back, his hands grasping at his hair as he stared up at the ceiling. He wasn't alone for long before she turned over too, her hand finding his, and their fingers locking together to rest on his chest. They laid in silence as Derek tried to process what she had told him, adding it to what he already knew of that day, and trying to make sense of it all.

"Is there anything else about that day you haven't told me? If so, then now is the time?"

"I'm guessing you don't mean things like that was the day when Izzie, and Alex started having sex?"

"Now whose trying to be funny,"

"Sorry,"

"No more bombs Mer."

"No more bombs."

Meredith agreed, inching closer to him as she kept her eyes on his face, watching his expressions change as he continued to work through what she had told him.

"It wasn't your fault the patient died tonight. You didn't fail them."

"It feels like it."

"I know…"

"This helps,"

"Yeah…?"

"Yes, I do love you Meredith. You don't know how much."

"I do know."

"I'm glad you didn't die Mer."

It was the biggest understatement he thought he had ever uttered in the whole of his life, but he was so drained he wasn't sure he could say much else that would truly convey what he felt. Never the less Meredith seemed to understand as he felt her lips twitch against the skin of his neck where her face was pressed.

"Me too. There are ear plugs in the bathroom cabinet."

"Ah look she loves me,"

"Derek..."

"Yeah?"

"Go to sleep."

For what felt like the millionth time since she had offered George's empty room to Alex, Meredith was awoken by a shouting match between her two room-mates, going on right outside her bedroom door. She groaned loudly in protest, but it was only when she tried to bury her face in the pillow that she realised her late night visitor hadn't been a dream, and the dead weight stopping her movement was Derek's arm, and leg slung across her. When the noise outside still continued Meredith gave up trying to ignore it, and rolled out of the bed to see what had started the latest round. She had just reached the door when it swung open, and narrowly missed smacking her in the face.

"Mer we need a lock that works on the bathroom door, if Alex walks in on me one more time then I will not be held responsible for my actions."

"I've seen it all before Iz, and I'm still not interested." Alex called from behind the closed bathroom door.

"Apparently the bathroom isn't the only room that needs a lock." Meredith started only to realise Izzie wasn't listening, her attention was on the bed, or rather the man sprawled out on top of it.

"So that's why he never came back downstairs, he just climbed into your bed instead… Anything you want to tell me?"

Meredith gestured to her top, and yoga pants then over to where Derek was still in his jeans, and shirt.

"Both fully dressed Iz,"

"So did he tell you why he came over? He was all weird last night."

Meredith pushed Izzie into the hallway

"To sleep. He had a rough night,"

"So Derek has a rough night, and instead of crashing in an on-call room he just climbs in to bed with you? I don't care what he said last night, that's not normal."

Meredith tried her best to look nonchalant as she leaned back against her door. She didn't want to lie to her friends, she didn't enjoy doing it, but this was all so new still, and so soon after Josh that she hated the idea of it being judged for less than it was. She wanted to feel comfortable with them being together, just the two of them, to truly believe it could work, before it was shared with everyone they knew.

"George, and Cristina sleep over all the time."

"Yeah, but they don't just turn up in the middle of the night. Nor do they scare me half to death by just walking in to the kitchen, and asking why the front door was unlocked."

"Cristina does… Well not the scaring you part, but she does just turn up."

"So he's your new Cristina."

"No...I don't know why this is such a big deal?"

"It's just strange that's all… I mean you barely mentioned him before he got here, and now it's like you two are glued to each others side. You hadn't even been home in two nights except to grab clothes, and now its sleepovers here too?"

"Iz he lived in New York there was no need to talk about him, and since when am I expected to list every person I know? This is my house, and he knows that means he can treat it as his own, even if that's turning up at odd hours."

"You were never like that with Josh that's all..."

"Izzie come on, I've known Derek since I was six, and Josh…"

Meredith sighed, Izzie was waiting expectantly, and there was nothing to really say. How could she explain the whole reason she had kept Josh at arms length, had never fully invested herself in the relationship was because of the man on the other side of the door.

"It was never going to work...And, if you can't understand that, then you know you can just add it up as one more of my _quirks_... Now have you finished? Can I go back to bed, and use my day off for what it was intended for?"

"What about the lock for the bathroom door?"

"You, and Alex have the problem, so one of you can buy it,"

"Mer it's your day off, it would take two minutes to pop to the store, and…." Izzie was cut off by the bedroom door slamming shut, and with a sigh Meredith crossed back to her bed.

"Your room-mates are loud."

"You're meant to be wearing earplugs..."

"I was too tired to get up."

Derek grumbled as he pulled her in to his body, closing his eyes as he nuzzled his face into the spot where her neck met her shoulder.

"I could pick up a lock today if you wanted?"

"No they can, I am not their mother,"

"I meant for your bedroom," Derek mumbled, and Meredith sighed

"It's obvious you don't know Izzie if you think that would stop her..."

When Derek turned his cell phone alarm off ninety minutes later, and freshly showered proceeded to pad barefoot downstairs he experienced what he was sure was some kind of karma for scaring Izzie last night. He had just reached the bottom step when he turned to find a middle aged women stood there looking at him, and though he managed not to shriek he felt his heart stop, then start again.

"Oh hello, you're a new one. I'm Susan Grey, Meredith's Step-mother."

After overcoming the initial shock of her unexpected presence, Derek had correctly guessed her identity before she had finished introducing herself. The past seventeen years had been kind to Susan, and she had barely changed since he had first been introduced to her. However, it was obvious she had no such recognition so he stepped forward with a smile.

"Derek Shepherd,"

"Shepherd? Then you must be one of Carolyn, and Michael's children?"

"I am. We've actually met before, but it was a long time ago."

"After Ellis died, I remember, or I remember meeting a lot of young people. Now I come to think of it you look a lot like Michael. How are your parents, are they well?"

"They are, thank you. Retirement suits them both. Here let me help." Derek said, and moving forward took the two bags from her arms, then lead the way into the kitchen.

"Oh thank you."

"Would you like me to go wake Meredith?"

"She's here? Izzie didn't say. She was leaving as I pulled up, and she opened the door for me. I just came to drop some leftovers off, but when I realised how little there was in, I popped to the store, and got some more things…."

Susan raised her hands up in a helpless gesture, and Derek smiled to put the woman at ease.

"My Mom does the same, she cleans too. My younger sister Liz once came home from work to find all her kitchen cupboards reorganised."

"I think Meredith would find it a lot more acceptable if it was your Mom doing this."

Derek purposefully took his time in answering as he placed the bags down on the counter top, he was well aware of the minefield he was being invited into, and didn't want to make the wrong step. After a few beats of silence Susan seemed to sense his hesitancy, and sighed.

"I'm sorry, that was rude of me."

"Forget it."

"I know Meredith doesn't get this, and she thinks I am interfering, but I'm just trying to reach her. I'm a Mom, its what I know how to do, and I don't know any other way to do it, than to help out like this. Is it too much?"

"Groceries, and leftovers are fine."

Derek said, still unwilling to be dragged in to a conversation about Meredith he knew she wouldn't want even taking place. Ever since Thatcher, and Susan had come into her life after Ellis had died, and the access arrangement had been put into place Meredith had kept those two different worlds very separate. It was a line she had drawn between her life in New York, and the short time she would spend in Seattle. Lexie in later years, had been the only one who had successfully moved between the two worlds Meredith had created, and Derek had always assumed Meredith had done so to protect herself from any more hurt.

"I'm never too sure what's too much, or not enough. I get a little jealous sometimes, even of Lexie because you all know her so well, and even after all these years I'm still an outsider."

When Derek made no immediate reply as he purposefully busied himself getting together the makings for his breakfast Susan spoke again.

"I'm sorry I'm doing it again. Don't worry I wouldn't say any of this in front of her friends, but from what Lexie tells me you are all really close still."

"It's okay."

"Lets try again shall we? Are you here visiting from New York?"

"No I've recently moved out here." Derek said taking a seat at the table, watching as Susan began to empty the groceries she had brought on to the counter ready to be put away.

"Oh… So you're living here too?"

"No I have my own place, but I finished late last night, and this is a lot closer to the hospital."

"Yes I remember Lexie telling me you were all doctors. Your parents must be very proud."

"They are, though I think they would be happier if we worked a little less,"

"I can understand that, I don't know how Meredith, and Lexie manage. Your family must miss you being so far away, I was so glad when Lexie followed Meredith, and came home."

"They do, Mer too. Thankfully they have my sisters, and all their grandchildren to keep them busy."

"You know whenever Meredith visited she would talk about you all, to the girls. I would hear her listing off all these names, and then she would have to explain who was who again. I think Lexie wished we had had more children because of the stories Meredith told."

"We had a lot of fun together, when we weren't coming up with ways to torture one another,"

"Isn't that half of the fun of a big family?"

They had only been chatting a few minutes when Derek heard footsteps on the stairs, and Meredith's voice soon followed.

"Derek?"

"In the kitchen. You have a visitor, Izzie let them in."

"Oh god… Why can't you just have answered your phone."

Meredith pushed open the kitchen door expecting to see at least one of the Shepherd sisters sat at her table, but instead she found her Step-Mother, and wasn't sure whether to be relieved, or to dread this visit just as much.

"Oh Susan… I thought you were someone else."

"She thought you were one of my sisters."

"Well I wouldn't think that if you would just talk to them."

"Too easy."

Derek threw back feeling her hand brush over his shoulder in a silent good morning, as she headed for the coffee jug. He watched the moment she noticed the shopping bags on the counter top, and the effort she made in keeping her expression neutral.

"Susan I told you, you didn't have to keep doing that,"

"And I promise I didn't plan on it. I just came over because I had made too much food yesterday, and then I realised you had nothing in, and thought it would help you out."

There was a look of longing on Susan's face as her eyes swept over Meredith that Derek couldn't help, but feel sorry for her.

"Mer not everyone lives by the theory you only go shopping for groceries once the cupboards are bare like you do. Now my girl, show some of those good manners I brought you up with, and say thank you."

Derek imitated perfectly Michael's speech he always gave when Carolyn had done the exact same thing to her during her years at Dartmouth, and even more recently when they had visited here, that Meredith couldn't help, but laugh.

"Yes Dad." Meredith teased, before turning to a now confused Susan "I am grateful Susan, so thank you."

"It's no trouble Meredith. We worry about you, and you all work so much it's the least I can do…"

There was no missing the emphasis Susan placed on the we, and who exactly she meant by that. What Meredith found funny was no matter how many times Susan spoke as if it was both her, and Thatcher doing these things, it was only ever Susan. Unwilling to hash out the same old discussion about Thatcher's place in her life, Meredith gave a small nod in acknowledgement before joining Derek at the table. Without asking he got up, and fetched her a bowl, and with Susan's back to them he brushed a kiss to her head as he placed it down in front of her.

"Thanks."

"Oh Meredith I have just had the most wonderful idea. Why don't you two come for dinner? Then we can give Derek a proper welcome to Seattle home cooked meal, and we can all catch up. What do you think Derek?"

Meredith's heart had sunk the moment Susan had started talking, knowing exactly what was coming. What was different this time was that instead of her trying to come up with an excuse on the spot, it was Derek floundering as he looked to her for guidance. Before Meredith could give him any sign Susan was there with that same hopeful expression that always made her feel just that little bit guilty.

"Please Meredith? It would mean so much to us, Molly will be there, and I'll make sure Lexie is free. How about tomorrow night?"

"I can't I'm working, sorry."

"Okay the next night, Tuesday?"

"I'm working."

Derek jumped in, and then Susan stalled them both with a motherly voice that brooked no arguments. One Carolyn would have been proud of, and a tone of voice they had both learnt to obey from an early age.

"Fine. Wednesday it is then. Is sevenish okay?"

Both nodded, and Susan's expression transformed into a smile of satisfaction.

"Great. Meredith your father will be so happy, to have his girls all together."

There was no disguising Meredith's wince at the term father, and Derek hated himself when a glance at his watch told him he would be leaving Meredith to do this on her own,

"I'm sorry I have to go, or I'll be late,"

"I'll see you out,"

Meredith putting off being alone with Susan waited in the hallway whilst he said his farewell to her, and stayed in the same spot until he was ready to leave. He took her hand when he opened the front door, and pulled her outside behind him.

"I don't know whether to feel guilty for leaving you, or be slightly scared of what you might do now I'm not there?"

"Oh Susan is safe. I'm just plotting how to kill Izzie, and how to figure out a credible excuse in the next thirty-six hours,"

"Well being arrested for murder will solve your second problem… And as Cristina replaced me as your designated body removal expert, it will just be me attending. I will be sure to make your apologies."

This earned him a smile, and Derek nodded.

"That's better. You'll see it will be fine. I'm there, and I'll be your wingman."

"You will?"

"Absolutely."

"And if I need to leave you will back up my fake page?"

"No need too, you can tell Cristina to page me."

"Promise?"

"I am on your side Mer."

Stepping closer to him, Meredith twined her arms around his neck, bringing his lips down to hers. It was a slow kiss, packed full of the emotions she still found difficult to convey to him in words. When she released him still very aware of how on show they were, there was a flush to his cheeks, and his blue eyes had darkened considerably.

"And, you're not still guilt ridden like last night?"

"I'm trying not to be."

Derek murmured his eyes still locked on her face as she smiled, and it was the truth. When she looked at him like this, her eyes shining up at him with a love he was aware he hadn't always deserved from her, Derek could feel they were okay, that he was okay, and most importantly that she was too.

"Good,"

"Do you want to do something tonight?"

"I can't. I'm meeting the others at Joe's after their shift. You could come, practise your wingman skills?"

"I can do that. Izzie may not like me, but Cristina tolerates me, and Karev, and O'Malley seem okay."

"Lexie likes you."

"Grey women are very susceptible to my charm."

"My mother wasn't..."

"Well she liked me better than Mark,"

"She liked everyone better than Mark." Meredith laughed, before sighing "Maybe I could just come to the hospital with you?"

"Barefoot, and still in your pyjamas, yeah that will not make people stare, or help the gossip die down. Just go in there, and play nicely. I know it makes you uncomfortable, but I don't think she's a bad person Mer, and she does care. You deserve people who care."

"I have people who care,"

"You do, but that doesn't mean you can't have more. I'll see you later."

With a last kiss Derek took a step back, and Meredith watched him till the car turned off the street, then took a deep breath before walking back in to the kitchen where Susan was finishing putting away the groceries.

"Derek seems like a good man."

"He is."

"It must be nice for you to have him here..."

"It is."

Meredith felt another stab of the same guilt, and sighed.

"Sorry…"

She liked Susan, she really did, but sometimes it was hard to remember when everything Susan was, was so closely in her mind entwined with everything Thatcher wasn't. Using the act of clearing away Derek's bowl from the table as a distraction Meredith tried again.

"Derek being here it's good, I still get homesick, and going home for Christmas only reminded me of how far away I was. But, Derek being here makes Seattle really feel like home. I mean New York will always be home, but he makes me think Seattle could be too."

"I didn't realise you were home sick, you never said… I thought you had settled in."

"I have, it's just I'm not sure I've ever really gotten used to not having the family close by. I speak to Carolyn, and Michael most days, but it's not the same as seeing them. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to that."

Meredith saw the hurt flash in Susan's eyes, and cringed. She knew she should apologise, but she couldn't find the words, so she fell back on what she did know and pointed towards the door.

"I'm going to take a shower,"

Meredith found herself starting to repeat lines she had used countless times in the past to escape the awkward morning after a one night stand, as she could see Susan readying herself to speak.

"If your not around when I get back, I'll see you Wednesday."

Meredith had hidden upstairs until she had heard Susan's car leave, and almost as a punishment she had set herself to clearing the mountain of laundry that had built up since her return, and sorting out what items of Josh's he had managed to leave around the house. She was on her third load of laundry, and two boxes were sat against the kitchen wall when she heard the front door open, and close before familiar footsteps made their way towards her.

"What are you doing here?"

"Eating lunch with you."

Derek announced dropping a paper bag onto the counter, and kissing her cheek.

"I didn't fancy the cafeteria on my own,"

"You need to make friends,"

"I'm a surgeon, we don't have friends"

Derek said passing her a sandwich from the bag when she perched on the stool beside him.

"Anyway, I have you."

"I have friends, and so do you back..."

Meredith let out a sigh as she turned, and looked at him.

"Back home. All your friends are back home."

"Except you. I had those friends, and was miserable without you, so what does that tell you? Plus, I haven't been here a week yet Mer, I'm still the new guy, or a cowboy as Nelson keeps calling me."

"I suppose, and the nurses love you, that's something."

"Mark would be proud,"

"No, he would be disappointed you hadn't taken advantage of that popularity yet."

"Again, I have you, and when your ready I plan to do a lot of taking advantage, and if my memory serves correct you were handful enough as it is, let alone anyone wanting else."

Derek bumped shoulders with her, before nodding to the two boxes.

"What's that?"

"Josh's stuff. It was my punishment, but now I don't know what to do with it. I can't take it in to the hospital, and he's not talking to me, so I thought on my way to Joe's I would leave it outside his apartment. Your pulling a face, is that to cold?"

"A little. Look hang on to it, just give him a few more days to cool down, and then give him the choice. Does he have much of yours?"

"No… I didn't stay over much. So anything good today?"

"I have a beautiful Oligodendroglioma scheduled for later. Shame I don't have my favourite resident on my service."

"I hate you. I have nothing but more laundry in my future,"

Meredith scowled in reply to his smug grin before biting into her sandwich. Before she had swallowed her mouthful her cell phone rang. Pulling it from her pants pocket she glanced at the screen before doing her best to keep her face straight, stepping into the gap between Derek's legs, she claimed a kiss as she brought it up to her ear.

"Hey Mom,"

"Mom? Mom? Seriously Meredith, are you trying to piss me off right now?"

"No, I'm not. You have just rang at the perfect time. Derek has stopped by for lunch. Do you want to talk to him?"

"Meredith Grey I have taught you so well. All is forgiven, and remind me that I owe you one."

"Oh I will."

Meredith said then handed the phone to Derek distracting him from the screen with a hand running through his hair using it to tip his head back. He grinned at her, and Meredith kept her eyes on his face watching for the moment he realised just what she had done.

"Hey Ma,"

"So this is what it takes… God Derek, how childish can you get! It's been a week, and you haven't answered your phone once. You pack up, move across the country, and nothing. What you throw your family away along with your career too?"

"Nancy…."

Derek choked on his remaining mouthful of food, as Meredith openly laughed. Derek recovered quickly enough to successfully cover his moment of panic.

"Have I missed your calls. You know what, you should have left a message."

"I don't know how you can even find any humour in this Derek? Not when you have just chucked away everything you have spent years working for. I mean did you even consider….?"

Derek pulled the phone away from his ear as his sister continued, reaching out quickly to loop an arm around Meredith's waist as she tried to make an escape.

"Nance I really don't have the time right now, I am due back in to work,"

Derek spoke in to the phone just as she came to the end of her rant of the apparent career suicide he was committing, before immediately removing it from his ear as it set off another rant about how he hadn't even bothered to break the news himself, instead leaving it to their parents. Derek waited for her to fall quiet, before trying again.

"Nance look I am sorry if I hurt you, but Mer is here, there was a reason behind this move, it wasn't just on a whim. God you have all done nothing, but nag me for the past two years to fix this, and…."

"Of course I am glad that you, and Mer are okay again. But, did you really need to move to Seattle to do it?"

"Yes, and you know despite what you might think there is a world outside the Tri-State Area."

Derek groaned regretting his words the moment they were out of his mouth as they only worked to infuriate Nancy more. There was no way this phone call was coming to an end any time soon, and this wasn't how he had planned to spend his lunch hour.

"Nancy... are you cutting out, Nance…. I can't hear … "

Derek started to make a buzzing noise, and he had to reach to cover Meredith's mouth as she snorted erupting in to giggles.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd I swear to god if you end this call then I will..."

Nancy's shriek was crystal clear to even Meredith's ears, but she never got to hear what punishment awaited Derek as with a last buzz he pressed the end call button, then turned the phone off before placing it on the counter.

"You're a funny girl."

"I can't believe you fell for it."

"Well I didn't think you could be that cruel…."

"You can't avoid them forever.,"

"And this is coming from the Queen of Avoidance?"

"Even I don't avoid your sisters. I know better, because I know eventually they will turn up on my doorstep. I don't want them on my doorstep Derek, not yet anyway."

"I'll call her back."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Derek murmured against her skin as he held her close,

"You know to make it up to me we could skip tonight, and go hang out at the trailer instead."

"No we can't. But, if you want to skip it you can. I can meet you at the trailer later."

Derek stopped her with a kiss.

"No, its wingman practise…And I want to know your friends."

The sound of the front door opening had them separating, and for a moment Derek looked frightened.

"How many times have we joked about Nancy being a witch?"

"She rang from her office. God I wish I had a camera."

Meredith laughed as her half-sister rather than Nancy joined them.

"What's funny?"

"You just scared Derek. What are you doing here?"

"Eighty hour limit, and I had a message from my Mom that I have to get off work Wednesday night because we are having a family dinner? I had to find out what on earth made you cave in."

Lexie took the stool next to Meredith, and smiled gratefully when she was handed the other half of Meredith's sandwich.

"It's Derek's welcome to Seattle dinner. Your Mom wouldn't take no for an answer, and Derek is playing wing man."

"Do you know how awkward these things get? Are you sure you are ready for this? I have had years of them, and they still make me nervous."

Derek looked between the two sisters, and smiled

"I like family dinners. I'm sure it will be fun or, fine."

Derek emended as he scrunched his sandwich wrapper into a ball.

"Well some of us don't have the luxury of time off, so I will now return to my tumour."

"He has a huge Oligodendroglioma."

"You don't?"

"I do. Have fun, with your laundry, and your enforced time off, because I will have a great afternoon."

With a wide smile he backed out of the room, and Lexie shot a glance at Meredith.

"It is okay if I hate him a little, right?"

"Well I do, and I was practically raised with him, so you're fine."

"And your okay with dinner? Mer I could talk to Mom if you wanted, I told her she had to stop pushing you, I just don't think she can help herself."

Lexie's expression had changed rapidly from one of humour, to one of anxiety as she studied her sisters face. She was shocked to find for the first time after Meredith had been coerced into sharing a table with her father to not find her glowering with an invisible weight seeming to sit on her shoulders.

"Lex it's fine."

"You think Derek being there will make that much of a difference? Does it at least mean you won't be getting any emergency pages?"

"I won't... Derek, Derek however might,"

"Oh god so you'll leave me there. I had to swap a my Saturday night off to get Wednesday night off, and then I'll be left there with Dad disappearing in to his study, and Mom fussing about him, and then badgering me to why you two just can't sit, and talk the past out."

"I could page you once we leave."

"You would do that for me? Do you swear?"

"Yes,"

"Have I told you lately you're a good big sister."

"You would be a great little sister if you stuck around for a little while, and helped me fold all this."

It didn't matter how little time had passed since she had seen him Meredith couldn't help, but look up every time the door to Joe's opened, only to be disappointed when it wasn't Derek that came through the door. She tried to follow the conversation at the table, but thankfully apart from Cristina who kept her mocking to nothing more than facial expressions none of the other three seemed to notice her distraction. When it finally was him Meredith watched his eyes scan the room before landing on her, his face splitting into a wide smile before he nodded towards the bar.

"You didn't say you'd invited Shepherd?"

It was Izzie who had noticed Derek's entrance at the same time as she had, but before Meredith had a chance to answer George spoke.

"You don't like Shepherd? I do. I scrubbed in with him this afternoon, he was pretty great. Better than Nelson, did you know they have started to call him Shadow Shepherd?"

"Look at that, O'Malley has joined the nurses in the McDreamy fan club."

"Yeah, but your the one who just called him McDreamy."

George pointed out, but Alex only ignored him.

"Her problem is Mer, and Shepherd had a sleepover last night… I think Izzie is jealous no one is climbing into her bed in the middle of the night."

"I'am not jealous."

"I am."

Of seeing their collective shocked glances Cristina laughed

"Oh not of Dr McDreamy, just I wouldn't mind a hot guy climbing into my bed in the middle of the night."

"I just found it strange that's all… He's always around, and how would this look to Josh?"

"It would look like none of his business as they aren't together. Anyway, McBitter is to be busy being an ass to care. He is seriously acting like he was left at the alter."

All three of them shared a glance remembering Cristina's wedding that hadn't happened at the end of last year.

"Too soon?"

She enquired, and the table broke into laughter as Meredith pushed her chair back, and picked her empty glass up.

"Well you guys carry on, I'm going to help Derek with the drinks."

With a grin Derek watched Meredith make her way through the crowd until she was stood beside him at the end of the bar furthest away from her friends.

"Hey." She greeted him, squeezing into the spot beside him, placing her glass down on the bar.

"Hey. So is this a good place to hang out?"

"What?"

"Is this a good place to hang out?"

Derek repeated his eyes shining with laughter, as she stared confusedly at him, before she broke into a laugh.

"Derek Shepherd are you hitting on me?"

"Trying to. Is it working?"

"I'm not sure..."

"So you need some added incentive? I can do that, come with me a sec."

Grabbing hold of her hand Derek pulled her into the crowd and out of the bar, waiting till they were clear of the entrance of Joe's before guiding her against the wall, his body following until he was pressed against her.

"What are you doing?"

"Giving you some incentive."

Derek murmured as his lips took possession of hers, and Meredith reciprocated immediately. She moaned in pleasure when his fingers framed her face, his tongue demanding a response from hers as he deepened the kiss.

"How was that?"

Derek panted coming up for air, and Meredith let out a giggle,

"Above average… But, you know all the incentive in the world wont get you where you want to be."

"I don't know what your talking about"

Derek groaned against the skin of neck, her head tilting to give him more access as he made his way up to her ear with short nips of his teeth.

"Really?"

"Yes. This is all part of the fun of getting to know each other. We make out, a lot..."

Between his words Derek kissed her, and just when Meredith was about to close her eyes, and demand more she spotted a movement to her side. Derek felt her tense and pulled back enough to see guilt flood her face as she stared over his shoulder.

"So if he's got his tongue half way down your throat, and your practically dry humping against a wall, does this mean we don't hate him any more? Or is this what makes him such a good wing man?"

 _ **PLEASE REVIEW!**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**As always I begin with a HUGE Thank You to all who reviewed, from the readers who have been here right from the start, whose names I look for when the emails come in, and the new ones that get me excited that someone new has found this story.**_

 _ **Now I feel guilty because I don't feel like this update isn't up to scratch, but the last week or two has been so rubbish, and busy I haven't had the chance to go through, and twist it to what I want. I doubt anyone reads these, but I will tell you why for once, and if anyone has any experience let me know. Our dog Seth, has been having seizures for the past month, and we have gone from being told it was most likely a parasitic infection causing them, to epilepsy which he is now on medication every twelve hours for, however now they are starting to consider it could be a tumour. He's only 4, and my son worships him, so its all a bit crappy right now.**_

 _ **Anyway all I ask is you Read, Enjoy, and PLEASE REVIEW **_

_**In The Middle**_

With her lunch tray in hand Meredith bypassed the table George was beckoning her to, and with a determined air crossed the cafeteria to a much more rowdy one occupied by her half-sister, and some of the other fellow Interns. Unwilling to put on a show for an audience, the need to clear the table was paramount, so Meredith summoned up her best Ellis Grey impersonation, and dropped her tray on to the table top with a bang. She waited until all six pairs of eyes were on her, and she had their full attention before staring pointedly at each occupant one by one until hasty excuses, and apologies were made, and Lexie was left alone.

"Now that was just mean Juliet."

Lexie scowled up at her from her seat, a juice box half way to her lips, and Meredith sighed. For the past three days this had pretty much been the sum total of their relationship. Meredith would try to talk about what Lexie had seen Sunday night, only for Lexie to shut her down with a quip much like that one, and a feat of avoidance that Meredith would have been proud to pull off. It was almost as if Lexie had somehow regressed a decade, and taken on a muted version of Meredith's own stroppy teenage persona.

Such uncharacteristic behaviour for Lexie, hat Meredith might have been amused if it wasn't for the nagging feeling that all the progress they had made since Lexie had returned, was slowly sliding away. It was why she was indulging in some uncharacteristic behaviour of her own, all in a bid to prevent damage to their relationship they wouldn't be able to repair. It had lead her to pursue Lexie for the past few days even in the face of such blatant rejection, going against every instinct calling her to just let her half-sister be in the hope she would come around on her own.

There was no time for the softly softly approach, not when the clock was ticking down to the dinner with Thatcher, and if anything could push them past the point of no return, it was that particular ordeal. So she was not being a Grey about this, she was going against everything she knew, and was being a Shepherd. Or, rather she was using the Shepherd method of never being able to let something go, much like a dog with a bone, with just a touch of Ellis Grey to get the point home.

"Okay first off Juliet was an idiot."

Meredith started unable to resist answering the dig, before refocusing on the conversation she had been building herself up to, and practising all morning to have.

"I get that you are mad at me, but we are due to have dinner with your parents in six hours, so this has to stop. We are going to sit here, talk like adults, and not like the spoilt little brat you are currently acting like. Okay? It's time to grow up Lexie!"

The whole time she was speaking Meredith was inwardly wincing at just how much Ellis she was channelling, and how easily it came. With another flashback to her own teenage meal time play book she anticipated Lexie's next move, and with a smile of satisfaction took the seat closest to her half-sister looping her leg around the chair leg to stop her from moving.

"No, no-one moves until we talk."

"Fine." Lexie grunted in frustration, giving up on the struggle to free her chair. "How was Juliet an idiot?"

"Lexie."

"You never specified what the conversation had to be about."

"Fine. Well for starters Juliet falls for the enemy, the one guy she knows she can't have, and..."

Meredith trailed off seeing the slight irony of that statement, but decided to continue on with her theme nevertheless. This was the longest conversation either her, or Derek had had with Lexie in days, and she wasn't going to waste the opportunity.

"And, then she blames everything that happens all on fate, like she had nothing to do with it. When if she had actually thought it through she would have realised maybe that was all the time her, and Romeo got. They had it, and it passed so it was time to try to move on, and find another happy ending. But no, instead what does she do? She drinks the bottle of poison, and falls asleep in the mausoleum. How stupid was that?"

"Are you saying you don't believe in fate, and true love?"

"No what I'm saying is maybe you can't help who you love, but you can decide what you do with it! I believe love, like life for the most part is about making choices. It works both ways, you can chose to be with someone even when you know its wrong like Juliet did, but you also have to chose to save yourself, and walk away."

For a moment Lexie looked stunned before she shook her head as if trying to clear it, and brought them quickly back round to the original bone of contention.

"Anyway that's not the point, the point is she had a secret boyfriend, which is something you both have in common."

"It's not that simple. I wish it was as simple as that."

Meredith tried, but Lexie only shook her head giving more of the reaction Meredith had expected would come her way at some point.

"Well to me, it is. You two are together, and I only found out because I caught you dry humping against a wall like a pair of horny teenagers. Were you ever even going to tell me? I mean, I thought we were finally becoming proper sisters, and then I find out this whole time you were living a secret life."

"Seriously? A secret life...? Well I'm glad someone took their daily dose of drama pills today."

"It's not funny Meredith."

This time it was Lexie channelling her inner parent, and she sounded so much like Susan that if it wasn't for the thin ice she already knew she was standing on, Meredith would have laughingly pointed the fact out.

"Your right it's not, and I am sorry you found out that way. However, if you had stuck around Sunday, or any other day either of us have tried to talk to you then maybe you would understand this a little better."

"Understand what? You, and Derek are together, what else is there to understand…? Just tell me am I the last to find out?"

"Apart from Christina I haven't told anyone, and I had no plans too either."

Meredith said lowering her voice a touch, though it had never crossed her mind that Lexie would actually tell anyone about what she had saw, she was all too aware of the interest her other friends had in Lexie's very public cold shoulder, and the attention they were paying now.

"Why? What is so wrong that this has to be some big secret? Did you cheat on Josh?"

"No I didn't cheat on Josh!"

"Then why? I just don't get this Mer."

"This thing with Derek, and me it's more complicated than you know. We have nearly a lifetime of history together, his family are my family, and we have proven we can hurt each other how no one else can. None of this is simple."

"You still could have told me."

"No I couldn't."

"Why not? Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you… This isn't about you, or us Lexie. Honestly two weeks ago I thought it was over, okay? We were done, we had been since I got on the plane to Seattle, and I was trying my best to move on."

Meredith stopped to open her water, holding up a hand to stop Lexie from talking.

"More importantly you like Derek, and he likes you too so despite whatever problems he, and I were having then, I wanted you to still like him, because one day I had hoped we would go back to being friends."

"Hang on, I'm confused..."

Lexie pushed her plate of half eaten food she had been picking at while they spoke away, and for the first time really looked at Meredith. Meredith watched as she put together all the pieces of information, and her look of confusion disappeared, and she leaned forward towards her.

"You were together before, when he was still married?"

"It shouldn't have happened, I'm not proud of it, and nor is he… For two months, it wasn't a long term thing, it wasn't planned it just happened."

"And that ended when you left, which means you didn't just leave New York to work here, you were leaving Derek too?"

"Yes."

"So what does that mean for Josh, is he what you meant about trying to move on?"

"Something else I am not proud of."

"But, you didn't cheat, and, you didn't speak to Derek the whole time you've been in Seattle...Right?"

"Right."

"So what changed?"

"Christmas."

"Which is why you were so weird when you got back, and he turned up here out of the blue like that."

"I wasn't weird."

"You were weird. God I told Josh you were fine, that you two were fine all because Derek was here, and then you dumped him..."

"It's not your fault."

"No I know it's not. God Mer you made such a mess of it all."

"Now do you understand why I haven't been shouting it from the rooftops?"

"I guess... Do you love him? I suppose that's a stupid question, but you do right? This is serious?"

"We're taking it slow, he asked for a chance, and that's what I am giving us."

"Okay…But, you're happy? Cos since he got here you haven't been so youish so you must be, I mean you even agreed to this dinner without Mom using me to beg you."

"Yes I'm happy. Can this be done now? Do you have any more questions, or are we good?"

"We're good, but no more secrets Mer."

"Fine. This means you have to be okay with Derek too, no more refusing to be on his service."

"Oh thank god because it was really hard to be mad at him, with you it was easy, but he kept throwing these really great cases in my face, and I really wanted to be his Intern again."

Meredith laughed mostly in relief, before shaking her head at her sister,

"So does this mean you will be riding with us tonight?"

"I can't. Cristina said my sulking face annoyed her so she put me on discharge, which means I'm going to be a little late, but I promise I will be there before you eat."

"Molly has already seen sense, if you desert me I swear I will have Cristina put you on enemas for a fortnight, and doing Scut will seem like a dream."

"I don't see why I have to go anyway, like you said Sunday you have a wing man now."

"Yeah, and Derek is great with people, he's a Shepherd which means he's naturally chatty, and charming, and annoyingly good in all social situations. I need a socially awkward Grey in my corner."

"Talk of the devil,"

Lexie said as Derek came up behind Meredith, his smile wide, and for half a moment she expected him to kiss her, before he swerved placing down his own lunch tray as he nudged her shoulder, his smile changing, softening as he looked, and waited for Meredith's returning smile.

Ever since Sunday night she had been going over the time Derek had been in Seattle, and as always with hindsight everything seemed so different. Meredith harder to read the only major change she had noticed was she seemed happier, and though her, and Derek had been consistently spending time together it had been the same as what she had seen over the years. Today, with her eyes open to what was actually going on there was no mistaking how far gone Derek was especially with how he was looking at her sister.

"Little Grey your smiling at me, and not scowling, this is progress."

"We've talked."

"Good, I'm glad." Derek smiled at her before his full attention once again returned to Meredith "Which explains what happened to our lunch plans."

"No I told you this morning you needed to try, and make friends."

"I am making friends, that doesn't mean we can't eat lunch together. If you had been in my O.R with me earlier, you would have seen me at my most friendliest. Ask any of my scrub nurses, I was positively charming."

"I have told you blame the Chief it's his new policy, no specialising for second year residents."

"Richard doesn't set the schedules, Miranda Bailey she's the Chief Resident right, so she does the schedules? Maybe that's who I need to make friends with."

Both sisters laughed.

"What?"

"Nothing. You do that, go make friends with Bailey."

"Your acting like she wouldn't want to be friends with me. I'm a great friend to have."

"Of course you are."

"I am. So are we all carpooling tonight like a proper little family?"

"Lexie will be late."

"So just me, and you then?"

"See how excited he is? This is why I need you!"

"Do you not realise you are being used by my mother just to get Meredith there? There is a real reason Molly has chickened out tonight, and it is called Grey sickness."

"She's more dramatic than you with a hangover,"

"She likened me to Juliet earlier."

"Ouch," Derek pulled a face "Did you get the Juliet is an idiot rant?"

"Mm Hmm,"

"She has been repeating that since the eighth grade. Her teacher ended up giving her a lecture about fate, and love which disgusted her even more, and it all ended with her writing a letter home to Ellis about Meredith's attitude, and unwillingness to participate in class activities."

"Did you get in trouble?"

"No, Ellis told poor Ms Synder she was a frivolous simpleton, and she had more plans for her daughter than to end up a simpering lovesick fool."

"Oh wow..." Lexie exclaimed before looking at Derek "Well Valentines day will be fun for you then."

"Mer doesn't celebrate."

"She doesn't? Mer..."

"Its commercial rubbish." Meredith said taking a huge bite of her sandwich that had largely been forgotten till now, before nodding towards Derek.

"It's not as if he can pretend he doesn't know these things."

"I do, and I still love her,"

"Aww Mer maybe he is your Romeo, but without the crappy ending."

"Rules." Meredith said looking at Derek, then turning to Lexie. "And, you can go back to not speaking to me for that."

She had barely begun eating again when her pager bleeped, and with regret pushed away her still mostly full tray as she got to her feet, and looked pointedly at Derek.

"I have to go, but later if an urgent case comes in don't hesitate to take it, or steal one."

"That wouldn't help me make these friends you are so insistent upon."

"I was wrong, you don't need friends."

"Dr Grey you will be in the lobby at seven pm, and so will I."

"I hate you."

"I know you do, and because I know how much you hate me I am going to escort you to your patient, and listen to all the ways you do."

Derek laughed grabbing his salad, and fork to go before glancing back at Lexie.

"Back with me tomorrow?"

"Please."

Lexie bent back over her meal, but she had barely swallowed another mouthful when the chair Meredith had abandoned was taken again.

"She looks happy?"

"Josh, hey…?"

"Oh are we not meant to speak any more?"

"No. No of course we can, Mer isn't like that."

"No I know she isn't, sorry… I just wanted to ask if she has said anything?"

"Mer doesn't really do that either…"

"I know, I didn't mean about me. I just meant she seems happy, or happier. I see her smiling, and I don't know I keep going back over everything, and..."

"She's my sister. Look we can be friends, but she's my sister, I can't talk about her with you now it wouldn't be fair,"

Lexie cut him off, and sent a desperate look over to where she had spotted Cristina watching them, but the other woman's smile only grew as she shook her head denying any help.

"I get it. We ended, so the wagons were circled…" Josh had followed her gaze to the other table where the four were sat watching them. "I just wanted to ask if you knew why her, and Derek fell out? They weren't speaking when we were in New York, it was a big thing the whole family were talking about it, and now it's like it never happened. He's here, and he's everywhere with her."

"Josh I didn't even know they had till recently." Lexie hated lying, and hoped the fact it was at least a half truth would help her now.

"Oh… So the not talking thing wasn't just me then, that's good to know."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I shouldn't even care she has made it clear where we stand, but it's feels as if I am missing something that is staring me right in the face, and yet I cant see it." He shook his head "Forget it Lexie,"

"Josh, Mer never meant to hurt you, and I do know she cared a lot about you."

By the time she had stopped speaking he was stood ready to go back to his own table, and she couldn't help, but worry about what would happen if Josh stumbled across Meredith, and Derek like she had.

"You think?"

"Yeah I do."

"It just wasn't enough."

Derek had made sure he was in the lobby on time, however there was no surprise to the fact Meredith arrived ten minutes late, and looking as if she walking to her own execution. Throughout the drive he tried to start numerous conversations, only to garner little response if any, and instead he had no choice, but to watch her grow more withdrawn. When the navigation system finally had him pull in front of what he assumed was the Grey home Derek turned off the engine, and waited.

"Mer…?" Reaching out a hand he touched her cheek, turning her face so she was looking at him, and not staring blindly out the window.

"I'm fine."

"No your not. Look I know what I said earlier, but its not too late shall I turn the car around, and take us home? Call Cristina, or Lexie? Take us to the nearest bar? Just tell me what I can do to make this better?"

"Can you make me not love Lexie?"

"What?"

"Every time I come here I sit out here in my car like this, and wish that I didn't love Lexie, or could be happy without her as my sister. If I could then I could walk away from all of them without looking back, and I wouldn't have to know that I am about to walk in to that house, and feel like I was never a good enough reason for him to stick around… But, I do love her, and I love having her as a sister, so there's nothing you, or I can do except sit here just for a minute."

Without saying a word in reply Derek unclipped their belts, and pulled her into his arms. He anticipated her initial resistance of his offer of comfort, but when he didn't relent she clutched at him, and he held her tightly the same way he had all those years ago at the docks.

"Thatcher Grey is not my father. I don't want him to be, I wouldn't change what I had for the world, but no matter what I still feel like that fifteen year old. No matter how much time passes, how many of these I come to I still step in to a room with him, and it's like we are there again, right after Ellis died, and I get so angry at him you know for making me feel like that…"

"Hey do you remember what I told you that day when I found you?"

When she nodded, he smiled in the way that never seemed to fail in reminding her just how far she had fallen for him.

"It still fits in every way, if anything we have only managed to love you more."

"You kissed me."

"What?"

"You kissed my forehead right after you said all that."

Meredith smiled for a moment, a blush staining her cheeks, and Derek looked confused at the sudden change of expression. She hadn't meant to say anything more, but sat here with Derek, with him looking at her in that way of his seemed to have disconnected her mouth from her brain.

"I had such a crush on you after that day."

"I had discovered hair products by then." Derek laughed "I would love to tell you the same, but that would have been slightly weird."

"And illegal."

"There is that. If its any consolation I had noticed you by your nineteenth birthday."

Meredith's only answer was a look of disbelief.

"It marked the beginning of me convincing myself everything I was feeling was simply the big brother instinct kicking in. You may have made a pact with Liz about Mark, but we had one too."

"A pact?" Meredith laughed in disbelief.

"Yes."

"So you, and Mark?"

"And Weiss, Sam, Martin and ugh…"

"Oh my god… Sam had that huge party after I got back from Europe that me, and Liz crashed. I was dancing with Martin, and you punched him."

"He was all over you, and I know what you are doing?"

"I don't know what your talking about."

"Your avoiding going in there, so instead we are sat out here doing this. I don't mind, I like talking to you, I want us to know these things but, you can do this Mer. We'll just go in, eat, make polite conversation, then thank them for the meal, and leave. I will be there the whole time,"

"You think it's that simple?"

"We can try… You're not on your own this time. Ready?"

"No."

She admitted, and Derek cupped her face pressing a kiss to her lips.

"You can do this, it will be over before we know it, and I promise the next time Susan suggests one of these I will have excuses ready for every night for a year."

"Promise?"

"I swear."

With one last kiss Derek came round to her side, and opened the door for her to step on to the side walk, his hand finding hers, their fingers knotting together. They stayed that way until they reached the front door, and Derek raised a hand, and knocked the door. Susan answered almost immediately, her face breaking into a wide smile at the sight of the two of them.

"Meredith, Derek it's lovely to have you here, come on in."

Derek placed his hand discreetly in the middle of Meredith's back, as he followed just a step behind in to the house. As soon as he stepped into the hallway he found his eyes drawn to the framed photos lining the walls, a smile forming when he spotted Meredith.

"Thatcher, Meredith, and Derek are here."

Susan called before noticing what had captured Derek's attention. It was a photo of all three Grey girls sat eating a picnic. Lexie was sat closest to Meredith, and the adoration in her eyes was almost tangible.

"It's a lovely photo isn't it. I think Meredith you must have been..."

"Seventeen," Derek cut her off, raising his hand up to touch Meredith's hair. "The green hair only came about because her, and Liz my sister got the bleaching process wrong. You were worried about getting Liz in trouble so you decided to go with it… You made out it was deliberate, and went to that shop..."

"The little one Downtown, I was their best customer, they used to give me discounts on hair dye."

"The old guy was a creep,"

Derek laughed, and Meredith nodded

"He was, but his wife was lovely. Do you remember Mom's face?"

"She tried so hard to not beg you to go back to that weird red colour, even though she had hated it."

"Then Mark told Grandma Malony I was paying homage to her Irish background, she was still so bitter about Sophie's wedding that..."

"She called you Carman for weeks."

"Carman?"

Susan asked butting into the conversation, and Meredith nodded with a smile, feeling more relaxed with this trip down memory lane than she had all day.

"She's a Celtic witch, or something."

"Oh…" Susan said looking suddenly doubtful, but Derek smiled in reassurance.

"My Grandmother cried when Mer got accepted to Dartmouth, despite all the evidence we could give you otherwise she did love her."

"Derek she told everyone she was crying in relief."

This time Susan did laugh as she lead them through to the living room.

"She seems like quite the character."

"She was."

"Do you remember Mer when you did the tour of Europe you went to Ireland, and kissed the Blarney Stone because it's meant to grant you the gift of the gab. Grandma Maloney always moaned about you rambling, so you got the photo put on a t-shirt for her, she said she would use it as a duster, but got it out to show off whenever anyone came around."

Derek had noticed the effect of the trip down memory lane, and tried to keep the conversation going with his hand still a reassuring presence on her back. However his attempts were ruined when he felt her tense, and they came face to face with Thatcher Grey.

"Meredith, hello its good to see you."

Thatcher nodded before reaching a hand to shake Derek's as Susan made a brief introduction, but though Derek made the polite replies necessary his whole focus was on the father, and daughter dynamic going on around him. He had never seen them together, and though he knew how strained the relationship was, he found he was still somehow shocked.

For the last twenty odd years he had watched a relationship flourish between Meredith, and his own father into something so filled with love, and affection that even with what he knew he had not been expecting something so cold. Even during the most strained times in the years after Ellis had died when Meredith had been in full rebellious mode, and seemingly on a mission to push everyone away, it had never come close to being like this.

There was no connection between them, Meredith held herself back, and Thatcher was making no attempt to reach out to her. Susan was the sole driving force here, and as they settled on to the couch with Susan, and Thatcher opposite Derek had to fight the urge to whisk Meredith back to the car. He could see the hand he had been holding up until Susan had opened the door between them gripping the edge of the cushion in a death lock, and all he wanted was to reach for it, and hold it. Any progress he had made was fading away, and he could see her slowly retreating back into her shell, and there was nothing he could do. The long silences that continuously fell Susan filled with countless attempts to draw Thatcher, and Meredith into conversation, but when Susan got up to check on the food it was only seconds later that Thatcher scurried from the room with a promise of drinks.

"See. Why do you think Lexie is late, and Molly didn't come."

"It's not that bad…" Derek tried when in reality even he was finding this hard. "You know what though, he kind of reminds me of you,"

"No he doesn't."

"He does. The whole rambling, nervous twitching thing you both do. On you it's endearing, I love it, but to see it on a grown man, it's slightly odd…"

"Yeah well when you frown you look just like Uncle Sal."

"I do not."

"You do."

"Your only saying that, because I said …."

Derek stopped mid sentence as he realised Meredith was smiling, not a forced polite line her lips had been set in for the past twenty minutes, but a real one.

"Thank you."

"Your welcome."

Taking a risk he lent over to kiss her softly, a mere brush of his lips, but when he pulled back Meredith's head dropped onto his shoulder for moment, just resting there, and he allowed himself to breathe a little easier. He had started to worry if by pushing her into this, he was running the risk of dealing with a Meredith he hadn't had much practice with in a while, and who had been a staple in the years after Thatcher had made an appearance in New York.

"Where has your father gone?"

Susan had reappeared her arms containing three photograph albums, and it brought Meredith's head up in rapid speed.

"Oh Susan, no. Derek has seen every imaginable embarrassing photo of me in existence, in fact he lived through them, he doesn't need to see your collection."

"But he's never gotten to see these. And, he seems a lot better at ageing you than I am, and a much more willing helper than any of you have ever been, so he may be able to help with some dates I never marked."

Meredith dutifully made room for Susan as she planted herself between them, and spread the first album out over her knee's, giving Derek another glimpse into a world he had never been privy too. The first few pages were easily identifiable it was the summer after Ellis had passed, and there was such an aura of a lost little girl around Meredith they were almost hard to look at.

"You all look so young here, I think this is the one, and only set we have with your natural hair colour Meredith,"

Meredith glanced over, and though she nodded she didn't voice an opinion, but it was apparent Susan wouldn't be satisfied .

"Lexie was so jealous of your lovely blonde hair. Do you remember?"

"I do."

Meredith agreed when she really she could remember little of that first trip except for how much she had missed home. She had spent hours watching Thatcher with a curious fascination as he had been seemingly haunted by her presence, as if she was a ghost from his past come to life. He had avoided all attempts Susan had made to leave them alone together, and everyday he had come home from work as if surprised to find here there.

"I was so homesick," Meredith murmured quietly, bringing Derek's attention away from the photo set, and to her.

"I remember Liz, and Amy were lost without you, it was as if Mom, and Dad had set it all up as a punishment for them. They whined, and made everyone's life a complete misery until Dad collected you from the airport."

"Your sisters?"

"My two younger ones. I think until Meredith took the trip here they had never actually spent more than a night apart since you were what eight, and Ellis agreed to let you come away with us?"

"I think so, yeah."

Meredith could still remember how it had been all the three of them had discussed up until the night before she left. Both Liz, and Amy had actively backed her in the weeks leading up to the trip when she had flatly refused to even consider the idea of spending three weeks in the same house as Thatcher Grey. It was Michael who finally two nights before she was due to leave had sat them down at the kitchen table to explain how everything so far had been handled pleasantly, it could still easily be different. He had told them how Susan, and Thatcher could go to court, and gain full custody of Meredith if they forfeited the agreement drawn up by the lawyers, and there would be little either he, or Carolyn could do to prevent it.

Three pairs of eyes had met his with equal levels of horror at the possibility of Meredith being taken from the only home she had ever known, and Amy had started to softly cry as she had clutched on to Meredith's hand. She hadn't cried, but she could still remember the hopeless despair that had rose in her chest, threatening to suffocate her until Michael had calmly produced an extra plane ticket. When he had explained he had spoken with the Grey's, and they had agreed Michael could fly out with her, and spend the first few days there until Meredith had settled in she had for the first time in weeks thrown herself into his arms, and nearly knocked him off of his seat in her urgency.

"Well you do look like your father don't you."

Susan said drawing Meredith's attention back to a photo of her, and Michael stood in front of the Space Needle from that very first trip. His arm was wrapped around her shoulders, and she was clinging to him as if he was the only solid part in the unknown world she had been thrown in to.

"See no Uncle Sal resemblance here."

Derek pointed out wanting to erase the haunted look in Meredith's green eyes, but whatever he may have won was lost when Thatcher rejoined them.

"Oh Susan you didn't."

"I did. Unlike the rest of this family, Derek has a memory for dates, and my albums are sadly disorganised."

"I'm sorry."

Thatcher said, but Derek shook his head.

"My mother has a whole bureau full of these, it's no trouble."

"And your mother she's well?"

Thatcher asked suddenly, and Derek nodded watching the way his eyes would suddenly twitch towards Meredith then back again, and Derek realised something he was sure Meredith hadn't. One of, if not the biggest problems with Thatcher Grey, and holding him back from his daughter was guilt. It was as clear as day once you knew what you were looking for, and it made the man a slightly more redeemable heartless coward in his eyes, even if Derek would never be able to understand how he had did what he had done.

"She is. I actually spoke to her whilst I..."

Derek lost his track of thought as he noticed Meredith hastily try to flip a page, and instantly spotted what it was she was so keen for him not to see.

"Why you little thief,"

Derek reached out a hand and stopped the movement, his finger tapping on a photo with what he thought was Molly on her lap, but it was her t-shirt that was holding his full attention.

"You stole it… I can't believe it"

Derek gasped his finger stuck on the white The Clash t-shirt he had found in a thrift store while at college. There was no mistaking the sight of The Statue of Liberty wrapped in rope on the front despite Molly being in the way. He had loved that t-shirt, had mourned it's loss for weeks, and there it was sliding of the shoulders of a sixteen year old Meredith with a reddy purple mess of hair.

"Borrowed, not stole!"

"Borrowing means giving it back, or even asking permission first. I never saw that again."

"It never made it home, I spilt juice all over it…"

Meredith admitted, and if they had been anywhere else Derek would have been unable to resist kissing her, as she stared at him looking more contrite than he had ever known her. She seemed to read his intention as her eyes narrowed, and then darkened with an answering desire, but the moment was interrupted when Lexie strolled in, her expression changing to one of horror at what was spread open over their laps. With a death glare that Derek had become accustomed to over the past few days she snatched the pile up.

"Mom I have told you before about this. No one wants to see these."

"Derek does,"

"Derek is being polite." Lexie muttered "And the only person your embarrassing is me, I know he's Mer's friend, but he's my boss too."

"There are photos of Meredith, and Molly in there not just you."

"Molly isn't here, and he has known Mer practically her whole life… Just today he told me a story about her in the eighth grade, this is nothing he hasn't seen."

"Well actually..." Derek started only to shut up when Lexie swung around. "Right, sorry."

"I'm sorry Derek my daughter has obviously left her manners at the front door, maybe she should go back out, and come in again."

"Mom again he grew up with Meredith."

"I have manners,"

Meredith protested only for Derek to snort, and Lexie to laugh openly as Susan now smiling looked between the three of them, before giving Lexie a pointed look.

"Now everyone is here, I can serve dinner. Lexie why don't you, and Meredith help your father with some of those."

The moment Susan left, the room fell silent, and Derek watched Lexie cross to sit next to Thatcher, and work to try, and bring Thatcher into conversation. It was hard going until he started to speak of Laura, Molly's daughter. It was when Derek was listening to Thatcher's comparison of Laura, and a photo of Molly taken when she was younger he began to notice the reaction of the two women in the room. Meredith had frozen, whilst Lexie was suddenly trying to interrupt her father with panicked eyes darting back to her sister.

"Dad, I don't think that..."

"No Lexie I know what I am talking about. I'm not senile yet, its a picture of Molly in front of that big fur tree."

"Dad it's not..."

"It's me," Meredith said softly "In the picture its me, not Molly. It was taken the winter before you left. Ellis had the day off, it was one of the last days we were all together."

"Oh… I'm..." Thatcher stuttered, but Meredith shook her head.

"Don't say sorry. It doesn't matter."

"No, no I should have known."

When the apology Derek had still expected despite Meredith's words didn't come he felt for Meredith's hand between them, and covered it with his own. She made no move to reciprocate his grasp, but he felt rather than saw her body shift closer to his as Lexie stared across at them both helplessly.

"Lexie has Mer told you I am now the owner of forty acres of Seattle?"

Derek said, and Lexie's expression turned into one of gratitude as she jumped at the conversation change. They both managed to carry it between them until they were seated round the dinner table, and Susan wanted to know the details about his new acquisition.

"So you really live in a trailer? Have you seen it Meredith."

"I stay there sometimes."

Meredith murmured her fork pushing the food round the plate, and Derek knew there was no thought behind her words, or she would have been more guarded with her answer.

"You do?"

"It's like camping, but comfier. The land is beautiful,"

"Thatcher could never persuade me, or the girls to go camping. We liked our home comforts a little too much."

"Mer used to love it as a child. She's a demon with a fishing rod too, except she gets bored too quickly, and talks too much."

"You fish?" Susan, and Thatcher seemed to ask together bringing Meredith's eyes up from the plate for the first time.

"Derek taught me when I was eight. Dad used to take us all the time, we all went together, and then the boys would have their weekend trips away."

"Hardly, you and Amy used to crash them all the time."

This raised a smile from her which seemed the only thing he was able to do tonight to lighten her mood.

"You liked it best when we came, don't try to change history now."

"Only because I enjoyed watching Mark suffer, then Dad would get all proud, and tell the other guys at the lake how good you were." Derek wanted to remind her she had them, that even though the man on the other side of this table was incapable of being who she had needed, they had been there, and she was valued, and most of all loved.

"How did I not know this? You really are full of secrets." There was no rancour in Lexie's words, and Derek nodded towards Meredith.

"I have Meredith Grey tales that would make your hair stand on end."

"And I have too much on you for you to ever repeat them."

"Your no fun."

"You know I don't know how your parent's managed Derek. Our hand's were full with our two, and they had how many?"

Meredith stilled at Thatchers words, and Derek half expected her to say something until it looked like she was forcing herself to control whatever emotions were running through her.

"There was seven of us. My parent's loved having a full house, they still do, and our very vocal when they feel they aren't seeing enough of us all."

For the rest of the meal there was no dragging Meredith from wherever she had retreated to, and when Susan began to clear away the dishes Meredith was the first to jump up, and offer help accepting no refusal from Susan. They had just began to load the dishwasher when Susan finally started another version, of the same conversation they had been having for years. Meredith had expected it, but she had seen is as a necessary evil in escaping Thatcher's presence.

"Sometimes I think the biggest mistake we made was leaving you in New York after your mother died."

"Susan you should stop there, before we both end up saying things we will only regret."

Meredith's arm had paused in mid-air, the plate she was holding half way to the dishwasher when Susan had started speaking, and now she placed it into the rack harder than she had meant. The clatter of the china broke the silence that had fallen, and Susan pushed her point further.

"Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying we aren't grateful to the Shepherd's. We knew before how well cared for you were, but hearing Derek talk I see what a wonderful life the Shepherd's gave you, how loved you were. I just think if we had brought you back to Seattle it wouldn't be like this."

"I don't mean to be rude Susan, I am fond of you, and you are a lovely women, and a great mother, but you're not my Mom, and I would have never been happy here. I belonged in New York."

"No Meredith you belonged here with us. He is your father, and if you would just talk to him you would see he is so sorry for what has happened. He wants to know you, and you won't let him. You won't let him, and he feels so much guilt over the past he is too scared to push this."

"He shouldn't feel guilty. I get it, Ellis had an affair, that was the end of the marriage, and therefore I was left too. And for the last time he is not my father, he is the man that used to pour my cereal, and I'm sorry, but that won't change."

"Oh Meredith you don't understand what it was like back then."

"I do, I was there, but I don't think you understand. Do you have any idea what it is like to have a mother who didn't want you? I do. To know her career was more important to her than you? I do. Thatcher knew who she was, he knew exactly what he was leaving me with, and he still went."

"Why can't you forgive him? You have carried this for so long, it would be so much healthier to let it go. You don't hate me, and I knew about you, but I never pushed him to find you, to make contact because it was easier just to push it to the back of my mind, and concentrate on our two girls. But, you don't blame me?"

"Because you didn't know me, or Ellis." Meredith said with a shrug of her shoulders. "I can't blame you for something you played no part in."

"And your mother? You don't blame her."

"Ellis was, and wasn't a lot of things, but for all her faults she didn't walk away. Carolyn always told me Ellis loved me the best she could, and I think maybe she was right. However, none of that matters I had Michael, Carolyn, Derek, Mark, the girls, and their whole extended family. They took me in, and loved me. No one questioned it, they take in strays, and love them, give them a family, and that is what they did to me."

"We could have been your family Meredith."

"But your not. I am grateful to you though don't ever think I am not."

"Grateful for what?"

"For Lexie… I love being her sister, can't that be enough?"

"I don't understand you Meredith. I try too, but it's as if you refuse to see this from any other point of view than your own. I told you about your mothers affair hoping you would maybe start to understand your father more. Your mother would never have let him know you, can't you just see that?"

"Is there a drawer of unopened cards?"

"What?"

"A drawer of unopened cards from the ten years he didn't see me? Because the man I grew up with, the one who was my father, if it was him in that position then there would be. Thatcher wasn't there, Michael was. He didn't miss one birthday, recital, sports event, graduation, anything even the most trivial occasion, if he thought it mattered to me he was there, that's what a father does."

"We could do that now, we could be there now. Your here in Seattle for the foreseeable future, this is our chance Meredith."

"I can't, there's too much water under the bridge, or whatever."

"So your just going to keep holding this grudge?"

"Susan can we not do this? You asked me to come, I came. I don't know what else you can want from me? Nothing is different, nothing is ever going to be different. I like you, but I can't..."

Though the actual words being spoken were incomprehensible, the sound of raised voices had easily penetrated into the dining room, and it was Lexie who got to her feet first.

"I should go… help them." She scurried from the room, and though tempted to follow Derek instead watched Thatcher trying to decide whether to follow or not.

"You have a choice to make."

"Pardon?"

"Everything Mer is she has done on her own. Don't get me wrong we all love her, and would do anything for her, but we will all tell you the same thing. She got herself here on her own, and you can't keep pushing her back to where she has fought so hard to escape from. So you have two options now…"

He had held his tongue all night, but he couldn't do so any more. Thatcher was hiding behind Susan, just as he had hid behind Ellis, and the divorce as an excuse to have left his child.

"If you are not going to make any attempt to fight for more from her, or to make amends for the past then let her go. Stop putting her through this whole charade, it's not fair. Every time Susan gets her to come to one of these things it is just rehashing the past, reminding her of every bad experience she had, but she comes because she loves Lexie, and that's it. So make up your mind what you want from her."

"You think it's that easy? That all this can be so simply fixed?"

"No I don't. It will be hard, she will make it hard for you, and she will push you away time, and time again, but Mer's worth it. She is worth that fight, I don't understand how you can't see that,"

"I do see that, I also see every mistake I have ever made, and every time I let her down right there in her eyes. She is a living reminder of every failure in my life, and I don't know how to fix that."

"You start with an apology."

"It's as simple as that?"

"Yes. If you can't then I mean it tell Susan to back off, and let her go. If you aren't man enough to repair the damage you made, then at least stop causing more…."

A visibly paler Thatcher opened his mouth, only to close it again when the door opened, and Meredith entered shortly followed by Lexie.

"We have to go."

"Okay."

"Mer?"

"I'll see you tomorrow Lexie. Thank you for having us, the meal was lovely.

Derek watched Thatcher's eyes track his two daughters as they left the room, his tone softening slightly from what it had been moments ago

"You let her stay with us. You could have gone for custody, but you didn't. That is the one way you didn't fail her. That was the one time you were what a father should be, you should try being that man again."

 _ **So I am wondering if you would prefer shorter chapters, which would mean getting them out quicker, or sticking with this format?**_

 _ **PLEASE REVIEW**_


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